Spurious George (Closed)

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

2006-08-14T21:59:00.000-04:00

Spurious George v. 2.0 Launches!

Spurious George©, a subsidiary of Kramerica World Enterprises©, a division of the US Department of Homeland Security©, today announced the successful launch of the next generation in internet-based America-loving, Spurious George v. 2.0. While no one could have predicted how devastatingly hard it would be to create a more patriotic version of SG, project manager and former FEMA director Michael Brown believes the final result was worth the long delays and billions in federal subsidies. “The new SG home is a heckuva site,” gushed Brown, who nevertheless lamented the thousands of purebred Arabian horses who lost their lives making SG II possible.

Sadly, the birth of Spurious George, Part Deux also marks the death of the original site, as there will be no further updates at this site. SG icon Rex Kramer, while admitting a touch of nostalgia for his old haunts, rationalized that it was time to move on. “The fact is, I trashed the old place like an English death-metal band at an airport Ramada. I seriously doubt I’ll even get my deposit back.” Based in his past actions and many, many insurance clauses, Rex’s new digs were designed to be both hippie, groupie, and fire-proof. “Spurious George, the Sequel, much like President Bush’s focus on the War on Terror, is indestructible. I suspect we’ll be there for an eternity…or maybe even until the Democrats take back the White House.”

SG’s new pad, a Dude of The Blue Republic-designed original, is now open for business. If you are not immediately re-directed to that site, well, it’s probably because we lack the technological know-how necessary to pull something like that off!

P.S. In case you missed it, the new site is HERE.

Patience, Patriots!

2006-08-14T10:37:00.000-04:00

SG's New Site Almost Complete

(Orlando) Thanks to a generous grant from FEMA and the technical expertise of Dude of The Blue Republic fame, the new-and-improved Spurious George portal into the world of freedom-loving is almost complete. While we here at SG believe that setting deadlines only serves to bring aid and/or comfort to the Islamo-fascists, we anticipate announcing the new site's whereabouts by the end of this week (sooner, if the Democrats don't get in the way.)

PARDON OUR PATRIOTIC DUST

2006-08-09T22:22:00.000-04:00

Spurious George's long-overdue renovation has been, like Operation Enduring Freedom, a resounding success...but one with a few, overblown bumps in the road to sweet, sweet freedom. Like the President, however, we will stay the course. Unlike John Murtha, we will not cut and run.

In other words, we'll fix this thing if it takes a few hundred billion tax dollars and a couple hundred thousand soldiers.

Stay tuned, America!

P.S. This internet stuff is HARD!

RUMSFELD DENIES ARTISTIC ABILITY

2006-08-03T21:49:00.000-04:00

“I’m a Doer, Not Some Hippie Dreamer” DefSec Admits

(Washington) Even among men with a lifetime of sterling achievement, some dreams die hard. So it is with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who today tearfully admitted before a Senate subcommittee his failure to become the artist his father wanted him to be. “I never painted a rosy picture,*” lamented the usually-stoic secretary, who later explained that he suffered from a rare form of color-blindness that rendered him unable to see any of the colors in the red family. So shocking was this revelation that many of the more liberal Senators on the panel erroneously believed he had been referring to his pre-war prognosis for Iraq.

Especially and predictably confused was Senator Clinton (D-Lesbos,) who inexplicably harped upon the few minor glitches that had occurred along the Iraqis’ path toward sweet freedom…most of which are blamed on her own party’s defeatist agenda. "Under your leadership, there have been numerous errors in judgment that have led us to where we are in Iraq and Afghanistan,*" shrieked Clinton, obviously oblivious to the well-known fact that “where we are” in Iraq and Afghanistan is “all up in al Qaeda’s ass!” Once a female aide/possible lover explained to the future losing presidential candidate that Rumsfeld was merely venting his failure in the arts, Clinton resorted to schadenfreude-esque taunts. “I can draw better than you can,” sing-songed New York’s junior Senator, who then scribbled a female stick-figure with disproportionately large breasts.

An obviously-unburdened Rumsfeld later admitted to the Pentagon press corps that his confession had a cathartic effect on him, and that he was comfortable with his lack of artistic ability. “I mean,” sighed the history-enthusiast, “how many failed artists have ever started a world war, tortured prisoners, and imprisoned people based solely on their religion?”

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

GIBSON ON DUI: “JEWS MADE ME DO IT!”

2006-07-30T13:53:00.000-04:00

Mourning Messiah’s Murder, Mel Met Manishevitz

(Los Angeles) While much of liberal and very-Jewish Hollywood has been damning patriotic and Christ-loving actor/director Mel Gibson for the anti-Semitic slurs he made during his recent DUI arrest, those close to the “Passion of the Christ” director have come forward to testify that his remarks were in fact a cry for help. “The more Mr. Gibson learned about how deceitfully the Lord had been betrayed, the more depressed he became. Even his $100 million dollar bank account couldn’t console him,” offered longtime Jewish friend, attorney Alan Dershowitz. “Sadly, he turned the water of his tears into wine for his liver. Ironically, it was Manishevitz wine that became his drink of choice.”

Dershowitz explained that when Gibson asked the arresting officer, “Are you a Jew?” he did so not with the intent of insulting the officer or the Jewish faith, but rather in the hope that the cop might have some of Gibson’s favorite drink readily available. “One wouldn’t ask, for example, an Irish flatfoot for a glass of Jewish wine. Whiskey? Absolutely! Beer? Without a doubt! I mean, everyone knows the ‘Micks’ are an alcoholic bunch!”

Gibson’s attorney further addressed other racist remarks the hero of three “Lethal Weapon” movies allegedly made, the most damning of which was, “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” According to Dershowitz, this accusation was aimed more at Gibson’s own faith than at the descendants of David. “As everyone knows, Christianity is merely the sequel to Judaism. Thus, by ‘blaming’ the Jews, he was merely pointing out that Christians bear some responsibility for man’s inhumanity toward man.” Dershowitz also pointed out that his client intended to say that it was actually the Islamic rejection of the Jews that created world-wide strife. “Clearly, this is the Muslims’ fault. Everyone knows they’re a peace-hating people.”

Gibson himself made no official comment, citing the Judeo-Christian right against self-incrimination, but through Dershowitz offered an apology for his misconstrued remarks. “I have nothing but brotherly love for my Jewish brothers, despite the fact that they killed Jesus Christ. I humbly ask for their prayers….if Jews pray, that is...for my recovery from my addiction to their delicious, Jesus-hating wine.”

Note to Loyal SG Readers: The SG staff will endeavor over the next week or so to post when possible (our goal is three times per week) until the new site is up and running. We thank you for your patience and continued patronage in the interim.

COMING SOON: THE NEW SG!!!

2006-07-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Sabbatical Accomplished, Rex Returns!

(Orlando) In a completely-spontaneous press conference attended exclusively by America’s brightest and bravest warriors in the War on Terror (i.e. Republican Congressional staffers,) new Spurious George spokesman Ari Fleischer today announced the news of every Christian-conservative’s second most-favorite promised return; that of Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker!) “Contrary to Howard Dean’s deepest, twisted desire, Rex Kramer is not dead,” dead-panned Fleischer, who gave up his promising stand-up career to be the face of a revamped Spurious George. “He has returned, and I should point out, is more America-loving than ever!”

Quieting chants of “Rex! Rex! Rex!” Fleischer went on to announce that coinciding with Kramer’s imminent return will be a new, improved SG site more befitting a pundit of his stature (approximately 6’2.) “The new site will be redder, bluer, but not necessarily whiter.” Fleischer explained that in keeping with the GOP’s compassionate conservative outreach to people of color, Spurious George would attempt to speak to a wider, yet still freedom-loving, audience. “I can assure you that Rex is ‘down with the brothers and sisters,’ so to speak, and the new site will reflect that.” The über-hip spokesman/playah the broke into an impromptu rap, the lyrics of which were mostly unintelligible.

A “Camp Casey”-wearing party crasher who asked the reason for Kramer’s Dave Chappelle-like disappearance was quickly escorted from the room and into a waiting armored Hummer, but Fleischer cheerfully responded. “Rex has been busy fighting the good, conservative fight…helping Rush Limbaugh with his addiction issues, Katherine Harris with her campaign issues, and Scooter Libby with his legal issues. I should also point out that for his efforts, Rex was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom…his seventeenth such award.”

While no firm date has been set for Kramer’s and Spurious George’s return, Fleischer assured all that the glorious event would be sooner rather than later. “Rex’s absence is in its last throes; I suspect it’ll be days rather than weeks.”

BRIGHTHOUSE CABLE CENSORS SG

2006-06-28T07:43:00.000-04:00

Incompetence or Conspiracy? You Decide!

(Orlando) The Spurious George staff has occupied its new Kramerica headquarters for all of seven days now, has made 6 calls for service to the local cable company (Brighthouse Networks,) and has enjoyed approximately 1.5 days of cable service; on Monday the incompetent bastards even mistakenly turned the service off intentionally, although they later explained that this action was, like the Clinton era, a "mistake." As SG's internet access is through its cable line (dial-up is for hippies,) there was, as millions of you no doubt noticed, no patriotic post yesterday; in fact, I (Rex Kramer, Seeker of Danger) have been reduced to using the internet access of my government-owned computer just to bring you this message.

Fear not, RexHeads, for the obviously Democrat-owned cable company assures me that SG HQ will be wired by this afternoon. Of course, they said the same thing yesterday. Folks, if you want an idea of how socialized medicine would work in this country if the Howard Deans of the world had their way, look no futher than the efficiency of your local cable provider.

NYT HATES AMERICA…AGAIN!!!

2006-06-26T12:39:00.000-04:00

“Tokyo Rose” of Newspapers Addicted to Treason?

(New York) For the second time in less than a year the elitist liberal New York Times has not only given aid and comfort to the enemy, but also fluffed their pillows and tucked them into bed with an awkward kiss on the forehead. Hillary Clinton’s favorite newspaper, not content with letting terrorists know that their phone calls may be monitored, recently revealed to those who would do us harm that their financial transaction records are of interest to the forces of freedom. “We’re at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous,*” patriotically accused Rep. Peter King (R-NY,) chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee. So righteously incensed was the always hyperbole-free King that he contacted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and conveyed to the only Mexican he knows that the newspaper publisher, editor, reporter, and delivery boy should also be investigated, prosecuted, and ultimately hanged from the tallest tree in Brooklyn.

Congressman King’s call for blood was lauded by patriotic pundit Ann Coulter, who has long called for the New York Times headquarters in Manhattan to be napalmed, and who has volunteered to do the staffing herself. “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is that he did not go to the New York Times Building,*” remarked Coulter, expressing the viewpoint of all right-thinking Americans. “Give me a U-Haul truck, three tons of fertilizer and a fully-occupied Times Building, and I’ll make America infinitely safer!”

Despite the Teutonic talking head’s passion, King’s views weren’t shared by all of his Republican Capitol Hill comrades. Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-PA,) attempted to douse the flames of popular sentiment with his usual Democrat-leaning mealy-mouthiness. “On the basis of the newspaper article, I think it’s premature to call for a prosecution of the New York Times,*” commented Specter and who sounds remarkably like Howard Dean. The senior senator (for now) from Pennsylvania also advocated withholding judgment on Osama bin Laden and Adolph Hitler “until all the facts are in.”

Rep. King was not swayed in his search for righteous vengeance by the treasonous Specter, or by the fact that the same story was reported by others in the print media, including the usually-patriotic Wall Street Journal. The Times, King correctly pointed out, should be held accountable for its actions as it has always been “more concerned about a left-wing elitist agenda than it is about the security of the American people.*” King also pointed out that the Sunday edition is ungainly, and the crossword puzzles are “awful hard.”

While Attorney General Gonzales has not yet ruled out a long-overdue investigation of al Qaeda’s favorite daily, others in the Bush administration strongly believe that the time for niceties has passed. “I’m not saying we’re going to drop a MOAB on them or anything, but I’m not saying we’re not,” giggled a giddy Donald Rumsfeld. “All options are on the table.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

A HEARTY HOORAY FOR HIPPIES!

2006-06-25T09:06:00.000-04:00

Rex Returns, Door Hits Hippie Ass on the Way Out

(Orlando) Having completed the arduous journey of about 10 miles to the new Spurious George HQ, intrepid SG reporter Rex Kramer (danger seeker extraordinaire) breathed deep the freedom-scented air of the new digs and found it only slightly befouled by the stench of patchouli. For this, he was thankful.

He was also thankful for the efforts made by the hippie horde that, in his absence, did their best to hide their anti-America coffee house philosophies. In gratitude, he’d love to invite them all to the HQ-warming party…but as Spurious George has relocated to Seminole County, the reddest county in patriotic-red state Florida, he doubts the sheriff would allow them to cross the county line. In fact, upon meeting his neighbors, Rex had (fleeting) doubts that his own level of patriotism was up to local code; just to be safe, be bought out the inventory of the local flag store and decorated SG HQ II accordingly.

In any event, although the move is complete there remains much work to be done (opening the boxes marked “Bush bumper stickers” will take weeks; having the interns apply them all to the HQ exterior will take even longer.) During this transitional period, patriotic posting may, like Ted Kennedy’s liver, be spotty. We here at Spurious George appreciate your patience and your continued PAC contributions during this time.

Once again, a manly expression of thanks to those of you who made “Convert a Hippie Week” a beacon of light for those poor souls who believe that America-loving is beyond their reach. You have done your country a great service, and should be duly proud of your efforts.

Now, get out before Rex releases the hounds.

Pride In An American Dynasty

2006-06-23T01:39:00.000-04:00

When Rex asked me to contribute a post to his "Convert a Hippie Week," I had to ask myself what it is that makes me proud to be an American, and at first I was at a loss, but then it came to me...

No not that Dynasty (well, OK that one too), but good old fashioned American political dynasties handed down from father to son (brother, daughter, whomever...you get what I mean). And not just any dynasties mind you. We're talking Republican dynasties here. Because the Grand Old Party doesn't go in for all that scientific deviltry--in-vitro, fertility treatments, cloning! No sir! They create their dynasties the old-fashioned way through procreation in the sanctity of a marriage of one man to one woman.

Democrats? Bah! Couldn't create a decent dynasty if their political future depended on it. I mean just look at the Clintons. One crummy kid, and she's not even interested in politics. Where as with the Bush's it's kids to the left 'o me and kids to the right 'o me. And I shouldn't need to remind you that dynasties aren't made in places like Kennebu--I mean Nantucket! Nope. Real dynasties, big dynasties come from great states like Texas and Florida. Why the three greatest Presidents in US history, Reagan, Bush, and Bush came from Texas. (Ok, ok. I know the Gipper was really from Hippieville, but he had a heart as big as Texas and might as well have been a Bush.)

The United States may have a "special bond" with England, but that doesn't mean that we have to repeat their mistakes by messing around with this whole voting thing, and that's why I'm also proud of our Electoral College, or as I like to call it the "Bush Dynasty Preservation Department". Because let's face it, we're all way too busy managing our Halliburton Financial Personal Social Security Accounts to worry about who should be the next President. We already know who the best person for the job is. A Bush!

In honor of Rex Kramer's own freedom-loving state of Florida and our next President,
John Ellis Jebediah Xavier Bush.

American Music

2006-06-22T01:47:00.000-04:00

What makes me proud to be an American?

Music. The music we have produced as a country. From Lead Belly to Miles Davis to Ralph Stanley to KRS-ONE to Kurt Cobain, some of the best self-expression in the last hundred years has been done by American musicians.

You can argue that it was the atmosphere that created many of America's premiere indigenous art forms, and you would be partially correct. The other half of it is the people. We come from all walks of life, from all corners of the earth. It might be a slave singing about the dire circumstances they have been unwillingly shoved into, or a middle class kid from a metropolitan area reacting to the confusing feelings of growing up. Americans have helped people from all over the world cope with situations through the universal language of music.

I dare say the labor movement would have never gained near as much support without the Almanac singers, Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger. Picture people struggling for civil rights without Billie Holiday singing "Strange Fruit." Nina Simone pulled no punches singing "Mississippi Goddamn." Public Enemy gave me chills down my spine when I first heard "Fight the Power."

It doesn't have to be about politics. I remember the first time I heard the laid-back sounds of Pavement or the how far ahead of their time the Pixies were. I swear after I heard the Velvet Underground for the first time, I thought I was the coolest motherf**ker in town, even though their albums had been out for decades. I walked different.

Anyway, when it comes to what I like about America, it has not as much to do with the country as it does with certain people's reactions to their situations. That makes sense though. A country is nothing but lines on a map, it is the people that make it work.

Everytime I think that my country is in control of liars and murders and I have no voice at all, I find great solace in music. Music is the average person's weapon. I picture an FBI agent at a John Lennon concert scribbling down on a page of paper the words to "John Sinclair." I picture him jotting down "gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta........... set him free!!" I laugh thinking of how silly he must feel. Or at least how silly he should feel.

We, the people of America, will always have music. They, the oligarchy, haven't ever had it. Seriously, have you heard John Ashcroft sing?

America Rocks, Man!

2006-06-21T09:01:00.000-04:00

There are so many ways that America kicks ass that I hardly know where to begin!

(Fortunately, I was able to quickly eliminate infant mortality rates, life expectancy, health, education, technological innovation, trade, exports,and a variety of other things.Always helps to narrow the field in the wealthiest of all super powers)

Still, we kick ass! Didn't you hear the Iraqis begging to be like us?

Its a tough subject because, well, we simply kick TOO MUCH ass. But after long and careful thought, it seems that an area where we surpass most everyone on the planet is consumption. So I am here to express my pride at the fact that America uses 25% of the resources of the entire world. Hands down, we win! (crowd cheering) Who knew the enemy was not Communism or terrorism, but Planetarism.

It is not an easy accomplishment, you know. The speed with which we erected these suburbs and shopping malls took a true commitment to the ideals of the American Dream: the ability to own a half acre plot, kill everything, plant displaced shrubs around the perimeter of this monolithic vinyl box of 2.5 bathrooms we love to call home.

Where else but America can you buy dinner through a drive through, but in the sad event that you DO have to get out of a car, there are five spots in America for every registered motor vehicle to make sure that your odds are greatly in favor of walking the shortest distance possible?

Where else but America can you buy muffins for a bake sale being held by a PTA to buy textbooks for children in a school where the Superintendent is paid nine times the salary of a teacher? But there aren't enough books to go around and kids must share them?

Where else but America can people pay as much for their car as 3/4 of their annual salary and think that this is a wise purchase? Where else can a person making minimum wage buy a $400 Coach bag and think this is a good idea?

Where else but America does it cost more to operate the system of tax collection (IRS) than the actual taxes collected for twenty counties worth of people?

YOU must keep the American way going! Go drive somewhere today and get off the computer. Dammit, go to WalMart. Stop being unappreciative whining liberals and go spend money!
There are many things that make America unique, and there are things that EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Are you hippies doing your damn parts? Are you shopping enough, redecorating enough? Eating enough?

Throwing enough away? Changing your mind enough? Hating your clothing enough? Your bodies enough? Your children enough? Are you avoiding them enough? Do you have enough television? ARE YOU SURE?

If not, you just might not be American enough. Go kick someone's ass!

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2006-06-20T01:55:00.000-04:00

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Pride (in the name of Dissent)

2006-06-20T01:25:00.000-04:00

Note: For some reason, I'm unable to upload pictures to the post, so bear with me. It must be my marijuana-soaked brain, and certainly no fault of Blogger.

When Rex Kramer asked me to write a post for Spurious George, I was shocked, to say the least. Anyone who has ever glanced at my blog may notice that it consists mainly of pictures and regurgitated crap that I glean from the internet mixed with the occasional snide remark from yours truly. Hardly the prerequisite for guest-writing on a blog as prestigious and fancifully decorated as this one.

And to top it all off, the gun-toting, Jesus-loving bastard expects me to crank out a piece about what makes me proud to be an American! Talk about pressure. So, over the last couple of weeks, between nail-biting sessions, I’ve been hemming and hawing about what to write. At one point I thought about backing out and telling him I was going on vacation this week. The only problem with that plan was that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on my blog for a week, either. I think he purposely concocted this house-moving stunt to put me through hell. OK, enough of the whining. Ready or not, here it comes.

At first, I thought, “That’s easy. The most obvious thing that makes me proud to be an American is my ability to post anti-Bush signs on the freeway (this is where the whole picture thing would've come in really handy) without fear of being hauled off in the middle of the night, thrown into the back of a truck and then taken to a remote location to be shot in the back of the head.” And while that reason for pride in my nation is a great one, I thought there was still something lacking. And then it hit me. The big picture. It’s not just my ability to promote free speech but the ability of all of us to do it, and the fact that we are all doing it in our own way.
Most of the people reading this blog right now are bloggers themselves and the majority of them are folks who advocate and promote free thinking and expression through their own blogs. It’s people like Kvatch with his little green army of patriots. Or The Poetryman, who has the ability to pluck a mundane story from the headlines and turn it into beautiful and inspiring prose. It’s ladies like Kathleen Callon from the California desert posting new and interesting stories that you just won‘t find in the typical media sources, Glenda the Good Witch of Blogdom spreading progressive information throughout the land and always there to give a word of encouragement to a frazzled freewayblogger, Elizabeth Branford with her sharp tongue and even sharper wit, and of course Pissed off Patricia, who has a way of expressing precisely and eloquently the anger I feel at all that is wrong with the world. It’s people like Graeme Anfinson who lives so close to Canada, he can smell the back-bacon wafting throught the rear window of his house and yet still finds the time to write about this country, and of course Rex Kramer himself on whose behalf I have started the Rex Kramer Fund. The fund is a non-profit organization dedicated to raising cash to pay for the expensive surgery that will be required to extricate Kramer’s tongue from the inside of his cheek. I apologize for any of you that I have left out but, as you can guess, all the pot smoking and protest rallies have taken a toll on the old PTCruiser brain cell factory. One person I must mention is Enigma4Ever, patron of the Enigma Café. It was through E4E’s blog that I met all of you and I thank her for that. Just as I thank all of you for doing what you do every day. It’s often frustrating and rarely easy to go about tilting at windmills as we do, but together I believe we all, through our own patriotic efforts, make a tremendous contribution to this country that I love….America.

As a parting shot, there’s a video located in the post below that my underground sources absconded from the Rex Kramer mansion while he was in the process of moving out. It’s a short film of the Danger Seeker himself, prancing around his bedroom during a night of drunken right-wing debauchery. What a tool. Enjoy.

PTCruiser
(Thanks for letting me play in your sandbox, Rex. Oh, and um, watch out for the steaming pile of crap I left underneath the slide.)

2006-06-20T00:46:00.000-04:00

Patriotic Dancing

Lefty Love

2006-06-19T02:02:00.000-04:00

People on the left love America and always have. We just love it differently.

Conservative Republicans think about America like they would their invalid mother. Their country (right or wrong) is never to be criticized - Just as sainted Mom is always above reproach even while it’s now known that she spent your formative years making extra cash as a hooker.

People on the right fly into a rage if you question anything about American - just like they would if you happened to mention that that their Mom dresses like a slut. They guard the illusion that their country is faultless in its policies like they guard the secret that Mom tried three times to abort them (permanently leaving a coat hanger scar on their withered left bicep).

Conservatives Republicans will vow that they would die for their Mother, and their county – they’ll just do it on their own schedule; because many conservatives have “other priorities than military service.”

No one doubts that the folks on the right love their country and their mothers. But you’re not doing Mom any good by not mentioning her three DUIs and her arrest for meth possession. It’s not helping Mom to look the other way when she shoplifts sirloin steaks from the local Safeway twice a week. And Mom is never going to reconcile with their father until she stops sleeping with Uncle Chester.

The love that lefties have for America is just a strong as the folks on the right, just not quite so blind. Lefties love America like they do their hot friend who’s always playing head games with them, and wearing slutty clothes and expecting us not to get the “wrong” signals. Oh she know exactly what’s she doing…shaking that fine ass in front of us.

People on the left take their country to task for it’s mistakes, just as our friendship compels us to mention that throwing-up in our car is not something a friend does without some just compensation (if you know what I mean). Just try to get that smell out of there! Although, I must say, Febreze helped quite a bit.

Everybody should love their country, but it needs to be a tough love. If your country steps out of line or promises something and doesn’t deliver, then it needs to be held to task. If your country constantly insists on dressing real provocatively and keeps telling you she likes how you look with your shirt off – well that’s a country that’s just asking for it!

Dude - The Blue Republic

My right movement (it’s still floating)

2006-06-18T06:53:00.000-04:00

I worked real hard at finding things that would help make me more right-wingish, more conservative in the mold of what is currently the standard for conservatives, and hit upon this video. It is a black guy singing it, that I will admit, but he is singing “America the Beautiful” so that should count. Don’t you just love the old negro spiritual songs, and you have to admit, black people are well hung, right? They sure do make some great fried chicken too. Well I digress, here you go:

Thanks sincerely Rex, I have tried my best to think like a right-wingnut.

Reverend Gisher

GIVE PEACE-NIKS A CHANCE

2006-06-17T11:43:00.000-04:00

Rex Takes a Vacation, Hippies Fill the Void

(Orlando) First came “the Day the Earth Stood Still.” Then, “The Day the Music Died.” Decades later we all bore witness to 9/11, “the Day That Changed Everything©.”

Today, sadly, is “the Day Patriotism Was Silenced”…if only for a week.

Spurious George, the recognized standard-bearer for all that is good and decent in America, has, due to its much-deserved rise in popularity among the masses, outgrown its current home, and tomorrow begins the arduous task of moving into its new digs, SG HQ II. The week-long journey, spearheaded by SG’s founding father Rex Kramer, unfortunately means that Rex will not be educating the unwashed hippies during that time. Although this news is expected to result in a sharp drop in the stock market, a marked increase in oil prices, and an obvious lull in America-loving levels, one must remember that when God closes a door He also opens a window…which is a good thing, because, frankly, this place is going to be smelling like hippies for the next week.

As has been advertised in this space, beginning Sunday this site someplace it has never dared tread…hippieville! Each day for the next week, one of the liberal blogosphere’s most incorrigible freedom-haters will have his or her way with this site like a Kennedy at a co-ed mixer. Under normal circumstances, we here at SG would no sooner turn over the keys of the clubhouse to a pack of hippies than we would let them date our daughters, but we have received assurances from each that they will attempt to write about something that makes them proud to be an American (other than the welfare checks, of course.) As the Danger-Seeker-in-Chief will be unable to monitor their efforts, he asks you, his loyal RexHeads©, to keep an eye on the place in his absence.

That said, he also asks that you encourage his guests, as the true spirit of “Convert a Hippie Week” is just that; a chance for the unreformed leftist to see what’s so right about the Right. Take them under your broad Right Wing, and make them feel like part of the winning team. Barring, that, at least encourage them to shower more often!

PRESIDENT KARL ROVE?

2006-06-15T23:09:00.000-04:00

Don’t Laugh: Turd Blossom “the Perfect Candidate”

(Salem, NH) While officially just enjoying a much-deserved vacation, Karl Rove’s appearance in the state that traditionally holds the nation’s first presidential primary has only fueled rumors that the mastermind behind so many successful campaigns will himself seek the highest office in 2008. Loyal to a fault, the cuddly bear of a man known as “Turd Blossom” to his legions of fans has thus far to make any announcement that would steal any thunder from his boss; however, taking a break from his prayer retreat Rove addressed a gathering of local John Birch Society members and engaged in the type of rhetoric that has served GOP candidates well in the past.

“They may be with you for the first few bullets but they won't be there for the last tough battles*," Rove said of infamous cutters-and-runners Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) and Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) and their “I was for the war before I was against it” flip-flop on the Iraqi War.” The accusation was classic Rove: while technically questioning the liberals’ commitment to bringing freedom to the Middle East, Kerry and Murtha’s service records were also challenged. Such tactics, effective as they have been in recent elections, clearly mark “the Architect” as a political comer.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself; by that I mean ol’ Turd Blossom speaked it right,” articulately summarized Rove’s good friend and possible predecessor, President Bush. The President cited Rove’s willingness to do anything (“and I mean anything”) to win as a sure sign of future political prosperity. “If you ask me, and he does, Karl is the perfect candidate.”

Rove’s attack on others’ military histories was even more impressive given his own lack of service. For example, while John Kerry was “earning” the Purple Hearts he would later toss treasonously onto the White House lawn, Rove was supporting the troops by remaining stateside and spearheading the campaigns of pro-America Republican candidates. “Let me tell you something: it took balls to avoid Vietnam service in 1968. You have to remember, back then it was a very popular war,” reminisced Vice President Cheney, who also heroically refused the “popular thing” and make himself available for the draft. “It takes even larger balls I question, no matter how legitimately, the service records of those who caved into peer pressure and went over there. The man who’s willing to do that is a man I’d follow anywhere…or maybe even serve as Vice President.”

* - Actual Quote

MEN AGREE: THEY WANT CONDI!

2006-06-13T22:06:00.000-04:00

Seductive Sec of State Voted “Super Sexiest”

(New York) So much for the adage that “politics is show business for ugly people!”

Today Esquire magazine announced that a poll of its male readers revealed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as the woman with whom they would most like to escort to a dinner party (and by that, of course, they mean “have sex with.”) In the final rankings the scintillating Secretary smoked silver screen sirens such as Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Jessica Simpson and Angelina Jolie…an encouraging sign that men are beginning to value conservative substance over Hollywood-elite superficiality. “Condi has it all,” commented California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man well-known to be extremely appreciative of the female attributes. “Brains, power, and the one thing that any politician, whether they be an Austrian-born action hero or an Alabama-born professor, needs: a massive tooth-gap.”

While Condi’s dental soup-strainer is a major turn-on for many, others cited her more intangible qualities as her main draw. “Frankly, I find her loyalty the most attractive thing about her,” admitted a clearly-smitten Dick Cheney. “If those around me were as loyal as Condi, Scooter wouldn’t have acted alone, that lawyer wouldn’t have stepped in front on that quail, and my daughter would be straight.

Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan also admitted an inner-circle crush on the Sexy Secretary. “Her ability to lie through her gapped teeth, I have to admit, gets me randy.” McClellan revealed that there were times during interviews that Rice was so effectively spinning the talking points that, “I wanted to take her right then and there, and have her sneer dirty, dirty lies into my ear!”

Despite her new sex-symbol status, Rice says she still has no plans to capitalize on her movie-star looks. “I’ve turned down Playboy many times, of course. As a woman of principle and accomplishment, I will never reduce myself to exposing flesh for the enjoyment of others…unless the National Review calls, of course.”

PATRIOTISM IS POOPED

2006-06-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

Rex Kramer Sleep-Walks Through His Daily Post

Ed. Note: SG’s freedom-loving reporter Rex Kramer, as some of you know, Seeks Danger© not only among the liberally-misinformed, but also on the mean streets of Central Florida. Like Batman (but without the homo-erotic body armor) he is always on-duty, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365.25 days a year. Sometimes, his eternal vigilance against the forces of evil takes its toll on his seemingly-endless supply of energy, and today is one of those days (the skies above Orlando were illuminated with the “Rex Light” this morning at 2 a.m. and again at 7 a.m. Evil, it seems, never sleeps in.) With that in mind, please excuse his abbreviated post.

“Convert a Hippie Week” Update

(Orlando) Showing that maybe, just maybe, not all liberals are inclined to cut and run, a number of the blogosphere’s most notorious America-haters have accepted the challenge of writing as a friend of democracy (if only for a day) during Spurious George’s “Convert a Hippie Week” (June 18th-24th.)

Among those who regularly bad-mouth their country but who will try to find something…anything…that makes them proud to be an American are the Reverend Billy Bob Gisher (Less People Less Idiots,) Dude (The Blue Republic,) PTCruiser (PTCruiser,) Elizabeth Branford (Lose the Noose,) Graeme (Holding N. Dakota’s Breath,) and Kvatch (Blognonymous.) While these people would normally be candidates for smiting, one can’t but help admire their willingness to step outside of their hippie skins for a chance at a better (and more America-loving) future. We here at Spurious George request that all of our dedicated RexHeads© support their rehabilitative efforts by visiting this site during Convert a Hippie Week and encouraging their pseudo-patriotic efforts.

JOHN MURTHA COUNTS CHICKENS

2006-06-11T22:09:00.000-04:00

Cutter-and-Runner Wants House Leadership Role

(Washington) It is now clear to most right-thinking Americans that not only is Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) a chicken, but he also counts them before they hatch. Murtha, who many will recall led the cowardly movement to have our brave men and women in uniform withdrawn from Iraq before the mission there is truly accomplished, this week announced he’ll seek the House Majority Leader post in the unlikely event the Democrats take control of the House in November. “Our goal is to win the House back and if there's an open seat, I'm the candidate,” Murtha wrote in a letter sent, at the overburden taxpayers’ expense, to each of the few remaining Democrats in Congress.

Republicans who inadvertently received a copy of the letter were stunned, as most assumed the only goal of the Democratic Party was to have everyone hate America as much as they do. “I think it’s great that the other party has goals,” completely-innocent former House Leader Tom DeLay observed. “This is what America’s all about, after all: overreaching and falling humiliatingly short.” DeLay also added that the Democrats are so incompetent that he doubts they could find K Street with both hands in Jack Abramoff’s pockets.

Also questioning the abilities of the minority party was current (and future) Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH.) “Everybody wants the trappings of power, but when you get there you find out how hard the job is. Just ask my good friend, President Bush.” Boehner revealed that he and Bush often chat late into the night about how few comprehend the burden that comes with their positions. “The Democrats say they want the power? They want the power? They can’t HANDLE the power!!!”

As for Murtha, few believe that he’d have the support of his own pathetic party if (and that’s a mighty big ‘if’) the Democrats brainwash enough voters this mid-term election. “Congressman Murtha’s military record makes him unacceptably patriotic for the liberal faction that controls that party,” accurately assessed Karl Rove. “That same service, as we proved with John Kerry, also makes him unelectable. Frankly, I’d be surprised if he were elected dog catcher.”

AL GORE’S NAZI LEANINGS EXPOSED!

2006-06-10T22:41:00.000-04:00

“An Inconvenient Truth” Goebbels-esque Propaganda

(Nashville) Quick! Can you name the former megalomaniac Vice President who was intolerant of other religious faiths, believed that white people alone deserved to live, and who was bent on world domination? Technically, the correct answer would be “Richard Nixon,” but the far more shocking and thus more news-worthy answer is Al Gore! Gore, who it now seems invented the internet as a means of disseminating his twisted theories of hate, had his true character revealed this week by world-famous Nazi hunter Glenn Beck. Beck made the discovery while watching Gore’s latest piece of fiction schlock, An Inconvenient Truth, a propaganda piece that would’ve made Josef Goebbels proud. “It’s like Hitler. Hitler said a little bit of truth, and then he mixed in ‘and it’s the Jews’ fault.’ That’s where things get a little troublesome, and that’s exactly what’s happening* (in An Inconvenient Truth.)”

Although Gore’s film is doing about as well as the Dixie Chicks’ tour of the Bible Belt, patriots such as Beck fear that the film’s message could have a profound effect on the weak-minded, which, as only liberals would even consider paying to hear Al Gore drone on, would constitute 100% of the audience. “If Adolph Hitler had been born the son of a US Senator, attended exclusive private schools, and narrowly won the Presidency, he’d be Al Gore,” reasonably accused Beck. “As a persecuted white German-American male, this terrifies me.”

Shortly after Beck’s exposure of Gore as a Jew-hating fascist, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the former Vice President had been the subject of a five year-long investigation aimed at uncovering the source of his anti-Americanism. “Through necessary and completely legal wiretapping of Mr. Gore’s phones, we have learned that he is a card-carrying member of the ACLU, which we believe is the notorious Aryan Concerned about Lesser Under-classes.” Gonzales expressed his regret that, unlike Germany, the United States has no law against denying the Holocaust. “However, it is against the law to claim that you invented the Holocaust, which we’re sure Herr Gore will do eventually.”

When informed of the news, even long-time associates of Gore’s expressed little shock. “Sure, he brought me onto the ticket 2000, but it was clear to me right from the start that he was an anti-Semite,” reminisced Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT,) who despite being a Democrat, only slightly hates America. “I mean, when he asked me to be his running mate, he said that together we’d be the ‘final solution’ for America.” Lieberman also stated that during the campaign Gore once disappeared for weeks; only later did he learn that the Vice President had invaded Poland.

*-Actual Quote

VERMONT: WELCOME TO HELL!

2006-06-09T00:13:00.000-04:00

Gate to Satan’s Lair Opens in Howard Dean’s Backyard

(Wells River, VT) In hindsight, it now seems obvious that Howard Dean’s 2004 infamous scream was not the cry for psychiatric help once thought, but rather the result of a Satanic curse that compelled America’s pre-eminent freedom-hater to speak in tongues.

A gateway to hell that recently opened its hellish maw in the former governor’s backyard surprised few, as it has long been expected that the out-of-the-mainstream Dean long-ago sold his soul to Satan for the chance to be a “legitimate” player in national politics. The anticipated appearance of “hell’s hallway” in Vermont was shocking only in that it was so long in coming. “Quite frankly, I expected the devil would call in his note soon after Kerry accepted the nomination,” slurred Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA,) who has been avoiding the Dark Lord’s debt collectors for decades now. “If I know Satan, and trust me, I do, he’s always gonna get paid.” Kennedy then excused himself, and subsequently sacrificed the last remaining Massachusetts virgin on his Hyannisport stone altar.

While secular Vermonters have feebly described the hole that suddenly appeared on the grounds of the Dean estate as a collapsed septic system, credible sources contacted by Spurious George say otherwise. Senator Jim Jeffords (I-VT,) a longtime neighbor of Dean’s and someone who, despite leaving the Republican party, can probably still be trusted more than any Democrat, described hearing unearthly voices hauntingly echoing up from the nightmarish opening. “I distinctly heard FDR, JFK, and, I think, Hubert H. Humphrey, crying out in agony,” testified Jeffords. “While it was hard to hear exactly what they were saying, as rats were chewing on their entrails and all, I’m pretty sure I heard ‘Hillary in 2008!”

CLINTON BEATS UP HELPLESS WOMAN

2006-06-07T22:26:00.000-04:00

Ann Coulter Victimized by Former “Misogynist-in-Chief”

(New York) Former President Bill Clinton, evidently not satisfied with bringing dishonor to the White House, today attempted to bring dishonor to America’s sweetheart by allowing his out-of-control wife to question patriotic pundit Ann Coulter’s views on 9/11 (“The Day That Changed Everything©.”) As if that weren’t enough, the former presidential philanderer later inappropriately propositioned the virginal vision of virtue by, according to reliable sources, inviting her to join Clinton and his sexually-ambiguous wife for a night of “bi-partisan bi-sexuality” at the Waldorf-Astoria the Clintons list as their official New York address.

“Now I know how Monica felt,” credibly sobbed a clearly offended Coulter to women’s rights advocate Rush Limbaugh’s national radio audience. “First they questioned my womanly abilities, and then they tried to take advantage of them. I’d ask if they have no shame, but we all know that question was answered long ago.”

Coulter’s traumatic ordeal began early in the day, when she and “Senator” Clinton crossed paths at a 5th Avenue Barnes and Noble. Coulter, of course, was there to appease the thousands of right-thinking Americans waiting in line for her autograph on the next great piece of American literature, Godless: The Church of Liberalism, while “Hedonist Hillary” was engrossed with her daily purveying of the retailer’s offerings in the “America-Hating” section. That’s when Clinton, displaying a false sense of entitlement “earned” by engaging in a sham marriage with America’s worst President, lumbered to the front of the line and accosted the nation’s nicest neo-con.

“Hillary, all the while trying to look down my blouse even though it was buttoned to the neck, called me a ‘dirty, dirty girl’ for questioning the motives of the 9/11 widows, and also panted that “I need to be spanked.’ Coulter responded by calmly summoning her Secret Service detail, who briefly detained the pseudo-New Yorker while Coulter bravely retreated from the scene in an armor-plated Humvee.

Believing the ugly incident was behind her, Coulter relaxed while enjoying high tea at the Waldorf, when she was approached by a “waiter” bearing a disturbing resemblance to Al Gore. This member of the servant class delivered a hand-written note etched upon old, fading White House stationary inviting chaste Coulter to join the writer (self-identified as “Bubba”) and “the old lady” in the ex-Presidential suite. Displaying the kind of grace under pressure exclusive to conservatives, Coulter instead paid the “waiter” a small sum to take her place in the suite’s sexual sickness. “If he’s a Democrat, I’m sure he enjoyed it,” correctly surmised Coulter, a prim-yet-mischievous grin upon her face.

BORDER DEFENSE OUT-SOURCED TO INDIA

2006-06-06T04:45:00.000-04:00

Indian Army’s “Rat Brigade” Effective and Cost-Friendly

(Calcutta) In a progressive move no Democrat would have ever considered, the Defense Department today announced that the US Border Patrol and Army Reserves and Guardsman currently keeping the US safe from the Mexican horde would soon be reinforced by the Indian Army’s infamous Rat Brigade. This specialized unit is currently deployed in the northeast part of India, where they are wrapping up combat operations against a massive incursion of rodents intent on destroying the Indian high standard of living. “They are filthy vermin, unworthy of life,” spat military spokesman Lieutenant Colonel Santanu Dev Goswami. “They cross uninvited into our territory, reproduce at an ungodly rate, and deprive our local form workers of their livelihood. Truly, there is no lower creature on the face of the Earth.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld begged to disagree with the Indian Army’s official, but stated his belief that their skills are more than applicable for the defense of the Rio Grande. “It’s no great secret that we have our own little pest problem,” understated the Pentagon chief. “These people are the best at what they do, and even better, they work cheap.” Rumsfeld assertion was backed up by the wording of an emergency defense spending bill now before the House, in which the 10,000-man brigade is expected to cost taxpayers approximately 18 gazillion rupees, or $1.25, per day.

The benefits of such a bargain were not lost of new Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. “As a former CEO of a wealth-management group, I know better than most the upside of cheap foreign labor,” boasted the former Goldman-Sachs chief. “The fact is they can provide the same level of quality as the lazy, unionized American worker for pennies on the dollar. Anyone who has ever shopped at Wal-Mart can tell you that.” Paulson quickly added that he himself had never shopped at Wal-Mart, but he was fairly certain that many of his Mexican maids did.

The outsourcing also found an unlikely ally in Jim Gilchrist of the Minuteman Project, who stated that he supports any measure that helps keep the little brown menace at bay. “I have no qualm with the Indians. As long as they come in, do their jobs, and go back to where they came from, they’ll be my best non-white friends.” Gilchrist added that it weren’t for the fact that the Indians worship cows and reject Jesus Christ, they’d be “almost as good as Americans.”

As for the Rat Brigade’s mission, they are expected to take on a more pre-emptive role than other forces arrayed across the border. The unit’s soldiers, all of whom have been re-named “Kevin” to make them seem more Anglo-friendly, will deploy traditional tools of their trade to hunt for the pesky intruders, as well as more contemporary “natural enemies” of their targets. “We have found that both anti-personnel mines and air-to-ground missiles do quite nicely,” avowed Lt. Kevin of the Rat Brigade. “Our motto is, ‘kill them all and let Kali sort them out.”

“CONVERT A HIPPIE WEEK” MOVES AHEAD(SHOPPE)

2006-06-04T15:20:00.000-04:00

Freedom-Hating Hippies to Take Over SG June 18th-24th!

(SG HQ) Even as invitations to join “Convert a Hippie Week” continue to be sent out on (of course) recycled paper, the Spurious George HQ mailroom, staffed by Ivy League school drop-outs, has been flooded with responses. We’ll be posting a full schedule of which liberals will be hijacking this site from June 18th through the 24th later this week, but rest assured that those already committed constitute a “who’s who” of blogosphere America-hating!

For the uninitiated, during “Convert a Hippie Week,” Rex Kramer will be incommunicado, and thus has opened the doors of Spurious George to the most egregious of rejectionists/defeatists…with one caveat; they must write about something….anything…that makes them proud to be an American. Those invited to post in Rex’s absence are without a doubt talented, although it makes the Baby Jesus cry to see them waste their talents hating America as they do. Hopefully, a little Spurious George magic will rub off on them, and they’ll see through rose (white an blue) glasses why this is the greatest country in the history of everything!

SG DECLARES JUNE 18-24 “CONVERT A HIPPIE WEEK”

2006-06-02T19:04:00.000-04:00

7 Lucky Liberals Take Rex’s Place (as if!) for a Day

(Orlando) Freedom not only isn’t free, it never takes a vacation. Nor, it seems, does Spurious George’s resident workaholic, Rex Kramer. He does, however, take time off from work to move his family from freedom-loving Orlando to…an even more freedom-loving section of Orlando (in the last election, 7% of rejectionists in his district voted Democratic, dropping property values significantly.) In fact, that’s exactly what Rex will be doing the week of June 18th-24th, and as a result, will be unable to bring his personal brand of Jesus-approved patriotism to the masses during that time (it’s ok to cry; we won’t think you’re too gay.)

Of course, Rex could have enlisted the help of cadre of conservative comrades in the pundit business to post patriotic preachings on this site in his stead, but no, that’s exactly what Howard Dean would expect him to do (besides, Rush has to go to the pharmacy…every day, it seems.) Instead, he has decided to thwart expectations by creating a social experiment reminiscent of FDR…no, wait, bad example…along the lines of J. Robert Oppenheimer! Instead of getting your America-loving fill from the usual sources, Rex will choose seven lucky liberals from the left-leaning blogosphere, who will, for just one day, slough off their hemp-stained skin and delve head (shoppe)-first into the cleansing baptismal waters of Patriotism Pond! That’s right, RexHeads©, each day for an entire week, under the banner of “Convert a Hippie Week,” the net’s most notorious, nattering nabobs of negativity will, no doubt through gritted teeth, attempt to write about something they love about America. Folks, this is akin to asking Ted Kennedy to lay off the hootch or Hillary Clinton to lay off the ho’s, but if anyone can pull it off, we know Rex can!

Now, you may be asking yourselves which internet insurgents will be allowed to enter the hallowed halls of Kramerica©. Good question, although you should know that no good conservative ever questions authority. The fact is that those chosen for this experiment have yet to be actually, um, chosen. That said, the Spurious George editorial staff knows exactly what it’s looking for: those further to the left than Russ Feingold’s lesbian aunt. While we have a few candidates in mind, we’re not above entertaining nominations from the hippie horde; so let’s hear it, hippies…who hates America the most?

“Winners” will be notified later this week. If you’re not selected, take solace in the fact that it was probably because you were deemed to not entirely hate everything about America. In any event, those selected will be required to submit one post concerning something (anything) they love about their country. Should be interesting.

Do you know a blogger who hates America more than any French waiter? Nominate them (or, God help you, yourself) in the comments section.

SUPREME COURT SPANKS TATTLE-TELLERS

2006-05-30T21:10:00.000-04:00

Whistle-Blowing Decreed Un-American

(Washington) Ask any red-blooded American boy on our nation’s playgrounds, and he’ll tell you that nobody likes a snitch. Some of those boys, if they love America enough, grow up to be Supreme Court Justices, and today five of them voted to take the whistle-blowers’ balls and go home. “There ought to be limits to freedom*,” responded President Bush, another former all-American boy who grew up loving America, when informed of the court’s decision. “I mean, I didn’t see ‘tattling’ mentioned in the 2nd Amendment. It is the 2nd Amendment, right? The one that talks about the freedom of speech thing? Damn, there’s so many of them it makes my head hurt!”

Citing landmark precedents such as Loose Lips v. Sinks Ships and Bounces Off Me v. Sticks to You, Justices Kennedy, Scalia, Alito, Roberts and Thomas decided that a nation of government squealers is not one they wanted to live in. With the ruling, government employees who report the alleged “wrong-doings” of their more America-loving superiors will be unable to sue the government in the event their careers are (rightfully) negatively affected by their treason. “This decision effectively kills two birds with one stone,” expressed Justice Kennedy in writing for the majority. “I can think of few things less patriotic than tattling and frivolous lawsuits. This court today, it is my hope and the hope of all right-thinking Americans, puts an end to both.”

While the case somewhat eased the minds of those in government who think of nothing but how to keep you safe from the terrorist horde, it is the continued actions of another terrorist horde that still concerns those who love America so much that sometimes they’re forced to do things that might, upon first glance, appear less-than-legal. “The media still has way too much freedom,” accurately assessed White House spokesman Tony Snow. Snow, a former fair-and-balanced journalist, knows better than most the dangers a free press presents to a democracy fighting an undeclared, never-ending war. “It is the President’s hope that the Supreme Court will choose to hear the merits of Freedom of the Press v. Freedom FROM the Press soon.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

POETRY FOR PATRIOTIC PONDERING

2006-05-29T00:18:00.000-04:00

Today, Hug a Soldier (It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay)

“Bivouac of the Dead” by Theodore O’Hara
(Inscribed upon the McClellan Gate of Arlington National Cemetary)

The muffled drum's sad roll has beat The soldier's last tattoo; No more on Life's parade shall meet That brave and fallen few. On fame's eternal camping ground Their silent tents to spread, And glory guards, with solemn round The bivouac of the dead.

No rumor of the foe's advance Now swells upon the wind; Nor troubled thought at midnight haunts Of loved ones left behind; No vision of the morrow's strife The warrior's dreams alarms; No braying horn or screaming fife At dawn shall call to arms.

Their shriveled swords are red with rust, Their plumed heads are bowed, Their haughty banner, trailed in dust, Is now their martial shroud.And plenteous funeral tears have washed The red stains from each brow, And the proud forms, by battle gashed Are free from anguish now.

The neighing troop, the flashing blade, The bugle's stirring blast, The charge, the dreadful cannonade, The din and shout, are past; Nor war's wild note, nor glory's peal Shall thrill with fierce delight Those breasts that nevermore may feel The rapture of the fight.

Like the fierce Northern hurricane That sweeps the great plateau, Flushed with triumph, yet to gain, Come down the serried foe, Who heard the thunder of the fray Break o'er the field beneath, Knew the watchword of the day Was "Victory or death!"

Long had the doubtful conflict raged O'er all that stricken plain, For never fiercer fight had waged The vengeful blood of Spain; And still the storm of battle blew, Still swelled the glory tide; Not long, our stout old Chieftain knew, Such odds his strength could bide.

Twas in that hour his stern command Called to a martyr's grave The flower of his beloved land, The nation's flag to save. By rivers of their father's gore His first-born laurels grew, And well he deemed the sons would pour Their lives for glory too.

For many a mother's breath has swept O'er Angostura's plain -- And long the pitying sky has wept Above its moldered slain. The raven's scream, or eagle's flight, Or shepherd's pensive lay, Alone awakes each sullen height That frowned o'er that dread fray.

Sons of the Dark and Bloody Ground Ye must not slumber there, Where stranger steps and tongues resound Along the heedless air. Your own proud land's heroic soil Shall be your fitter grave; She claims from war his richest spoil -- The ashes of her brave.

Thus 'neath their parent turf they rest, Far from the gory field, Borne to a Spartan mother's breast On many a bloody shield; The sunshine of their native sky Smiles sadly on them here, And kindred eyes and hearts watch by The heroes sepulcher.

Rest on embalmed and sainted dead! Dear as the blood ye gave; No impious footstep here shall tread The herbage of your grave; Nor shall your glory be forgot While Fame her record keeps, For honor points the hallowed spot Where valor proudly sleeps.

Yon marble minstrel's voiceless stone In deathless song shall tell, When many a vanquished ago has flown, The story how ye fell; Nor wreck, nor change, nor winter's blight, Nor time's remorseless doom, Can dim one ray of glory's light That gilds your deathless tomb.

AG, FBI DIRECTOR THREATEN TO CUT AND RUN

2006-05-28T11:14:00.000-04:00

Gonzales’ and Mueller’s Loyalty and Patriotism Questioned

(Washington) How corrupt Congressman William Jefferson (D-LA) sleeps at night is anyone’s guess. Not only has the disgraced representative brought more dishonor upon the federal government than any other official since his namesake William Jefferson Clinton, he now seems intent on destroying the Department of Justice. At long last, Mr. Jefferson, have you no sense of decency?

Jefferson, who appears to hate both America and honest government, recently had his Congressional office lawfully searched by FBI agents as part of an ongoing investigation (code-named “Big Easy Money”) of the representative’s acceptance of bribe money. Apparently, the fact that Jefferson’s office had ignored weeks worth of subpoenas and agents were forced to obtain a search warrant offended the Congressman and his corrupt (i.e. Democratic) cohorts, so much so that they whined like spoiled brats denied a new bauble. Their pathetic cries of “no fair” were so persuasive, stalwarts of integrity such as Dennis Hastert inexplicably took up their cause (note: while unconfirmed, there are rumors that Hastert is recovering from an infection of mad cow disease.)

Displaying the wisdom of Solomon, President Bush prudently sealed evidence seized during the lawful search for 45 days; presumably, enough time to expose the liberal lamentations for the sour grapes that they are. However, it now appears that previously-loyal administration officials such as Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller have treasonously threatened to resign if the President returns to documents to the Congressional criminal.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists during the War on Terror©,” sternly warned President Bush when advised of his underlings’ uppity-ness. “You see, when you make threats based on what I, as the Decider, decide, you’re a terrorist. And I’m not going to negotiate with those folks. May God continue to bless America.” Bush declined to address whether or not Gonzales and Mueller would be rendered to a third-world nation that sanctions torture, stating only that “all options are on the table.”

Others who, unlike the Treasonous Twosome, continue to love America were not so kind. “If I was still in office, I’d slather myself in Crisco, gather a mandatory staff prayer meeting, and follow George Bush to the gates of hell,” patriotically asserted former Attorney General John Ashcroft. “Alberto’s disregard for the law makes him no better than a Mexican who crosses the border and steals our jobs! In fact, has anyone asked him for his green card?”

FBI Director Mueller did not go unscathed as renowned pundits rushed to decry his lack of patriotism. “The intelligence community needs leadership that does the President’s bidding without question, or with muddying his orders up with ‘facts’ and ‘Constitutional issue,” rightly testified former CIA Director George Tenet. “Frankly, I don’t see a Presidential Medal of Freedom in his future. I have one, you know. Want to see it? It’s shiny!”

While neither Gonzales nor Mueller have been formerly charged with treason and/or dereliction of duty, indictments seem inevitable. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, recently reassigned from his investigation of partisan charges against former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff I. Lewis Libby to look into allegations that Senator Russ Feingold hates America, was again re-assigned to probe the Democracy-Hating Duo’s doings. Go get ‘em, Fitz!

McCAIN STILL ONE OF US

2006-05-27T00:43:00.000-04:00

“GOP-Lite” Senator Embraces Falwell, America

(Lynchburg, VA) Ever since the 2000 primary season, when an uppity John McCain (R-AZ) dared to challenge the inevitable coronation of George W. Bush, party faithful have openly wondered if the Arizona maverick is “one of us.” In a party where loyalty is admired and demanded much more than such trivial things as “competence” and “accountability,” McCain’s flirting with a spot on the 2004 Democratic ticket was akin to Judas-esque treason in the eyes of the GOP faithful. “Fu*k John McCain,” Vice President Dick Cheney broken-heartedly commented at the time. “He’s dead to me! Dead!”

It is often said that only Nixon could go to China, and it appears now that only McCain could thumb his malformed nose at those who gave him everything and still return with a chance to succeed The Greatest President Ever. This month McCain began to trek toward Republican rehabilitation by visiting Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, where he gave the commencement address and, reportedly, found Jesus. During his speech, scouted by star-makers Ken Mehlman and Karl Rove, McCain properly called on the graduating class to, “go forth and do the Lord’s work. Bash gays! Stop abortion, especially in the cases of rape and incest! Take the Crusade against the heathen horde up a notch!” McCain went on to thank Jesus and President Bush, “without whom I wouldn’t even be here.”

Also in the audience was a pleased Rev. Jerry Falwell, who spoke glowingly about McCain’s presidential aspirations in 2008. “As you all know, gays caused 9/11. Finally, I believe that America might have a candidate who understands that.” While stopping short of giving his, and thus Jesus’, endorsement, Falwell testified that our nation could do far worse than John McCain. “Who would God want with their finger on ‘the button:’ a military man like Senator McCain, or a woman like Senator Clinton, who certainly has fingered a few buttons in her time, if you know what I mean.”

While McCain’s political resurrection is assuring to many who previously believed that he had “switched to the other team,” other presidential aspirants presented their own Jesus-loving bona fides. “I hate fags, too!” proclaimed Senator Bill Frist (R-TN,) who’s not only a doctor, but plays one on the Senate floor, too. “Besides, I know that God wants me to be President, just like God wanted George Bush to be President. I support the President, by the way. His numbers haven’t gone down today, have they?”

Equally indignant was Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA,) who appears to have foregone his re-election bid for a shot at the White House in 2008. “Where was John McCain when I was defending Terri Schiavo, and thus Jesus?” Santorum, a man so opposed to abortion that he has offered to create a federal program that would pay for all unwanted babies to attend private Virginia schools, wondered aloud if McCain’s sudden conversion wasn’t politically motivated. “Some people will do anything to get elected. Hey, did I mention that I’m a champion of the poor?”

While Senator McCain may have taken his first baby steps toward reconciliation with the GOP, party insiders have revealed that he still has a way to go. “I’ll believe that John McCain’s for real when he kills a Mexican with his own bare hands,” reasonably explained Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO.)

BUSH LEAGUE: GOVERNOR TO LEAD NFL

2006-05-24T20:03:00.000-04:00

Prez: Jeb Would Be “Heckuva Commissioner!”

(Tallahassee) When short-sighted Floridians enacted a state constitutional amendment limiting the governor to two consecutive terms, the poor misguided souls had no way of knowing that they’d be foregoing the chance to be led for four more years by a man former Supreme Court-nominee Harriet Miers described as “just the most swell governor ever in the history of everything!” Florida’s loss, however, appears to be America’s gain, as a soon-to-be unemployed Jeb Bush has been tabbed to be the next NFL commissioner.

While the formal announcement has not yet been made, right-thinking football insiders say that the job is the governor’s if he wants it. Heisman Trophy winner and New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush, for example, believes it’s a natural fit. “Who’s Jeb Bush?” asked the former USC Trojan, who, like the President, is entirely too busy to be bothered with reading a newspaper. “No matter, if his name is Bush, I’m certain he’s someone who cares about black people. He gets my vote.” When informed that players do not elect the commissioner, but rather the selected candidate is chosen by a closed and secretive group of old white men, the astute athlete remarked, “Oh, like the Presidency, then? Well, ok, as long as it’s democratic, I’m all for it!”

President Bush, upon hearing that his younger brother has expressed an interest in the job, withdrew his earlier endorsement of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Don’t get me wrong; Condi would’ve done a heckuva job, I’m sure, but I know in my heart that Jeb will do a heckuva-er job!” The President, however, lamented that the man who would do the “heckuva-est job,” Michael Brown, has returned to the illustrious field of Arabian horse show promotion.

While publicly denying any plans for future employment, the governor’s family confirmed that the governor is ready to play political football. Reached at the Orange County Jail (where we assume she was teaching inmates how to read,) daughter Noelle Bush expressed her firm belief that her father was the right man for the job. “Maybe with him out of office, I can finally get a fix of oxycontin without my face ending up in the news.” Jeb’s son John Bush, speaking from the stool at a Tallahassee bar, slurred his support for his popular father. “I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!” As any teenager can tell you, “I hate him,” is in fact what the cool kids say when they mean, “Jeb Bush would bring to the National Football League the same visionary leadership that has made Florida the envy of the nation.” John Bush then threw up repeatedly, another sign of paternal respect.

This post represents Rex Kramer’s 200th post. Yes, he realizes that he’s wasting his life.

IT’S SMITING SEASON!

2006-05-23T22:59:00.000-04:00

Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Elections (Oh My!)

(Miami) The Lord, if the Rev. Pat Robertson heard Him correctly (and we have no doubt that he did,) has sent warnings of imminent tsunamis in the Pacific Northwest. Today, the National Hurricane Center that the upcoming season, which begins on June 1st, could bring 8-10 killer hurricanes to America’s shores. Last, but not least, the 2006 mid-term elections are still scheduled (barring an unanticipated, but possibly necessary executive emergency order to cancel them) for this November. What does this mean to you, the God-fearing American?

It’s “smiting season,” baby!!!

While less Jesus-loving beings (we’re looking at you, scientific community) might see these catastrophic happenings as random occurrences, those who have learned everything they need to know from the Bible and dedicated viewing of The 700 Club are convinced that these are signs that a just but vengeful God is fixin’ to do some housecleaning, Old Testament-style! “Hurricanes? Tsunamis? Elections? Oh, my!” exclaimed newly-appointed Secretary of Church and State Rick Santorum. “Clearly, the Almighty is upset with the way the liberal agenda has been running this country the past five years.” Santorum added that it was uncertain what specific affront most angered God, but did admit that the possible causes were infinite. “Gay marriage? Care-free abortion? Illegal immigrants? Anti-war protests? Excessive filibusters? Hard to say. No one, except Pat Robertson of course, can know the mind of God.”

Reached at his Tsunami Relief Headquarters atop Washington’s Mt. Rainier, Rev. Robertson asserted that Jesus has revealed to him the sole reason for the impending “wall of wash-away-the-sin water.” According to the Lord’s chosen tax-deductible donation, and to no one’s surprise, it’s the homosexuals. “Those damned homos just love making waves, always flaunting their hatred of Jesus in our faces. I say then unto you that it is righteous and fitting that San Francisco will be wiped off the blue-state map!” Wiping spittle from his mouth, Robertson added that “fairy-friendly” cities such as Seattle and Portland also run the risk of being pummeled by the punishing Pacific. “Is Seattle not the Emerald City? Is Portland not the Rose City? Folks, was ‘the Judy Garland City’ name already taken?”

A very active hurricane season also promises to make 2006 a rough year for those who have yet to accept Bush, er, Jesus as their Lord and Savior. From her Tallahassee bunker, Florida congresswoman and former Miss America Katherine Harris feared that her home state may suffer the brunt of God’s wrath. “For Terri Schiavo, for rejecting school vouchers, and for not supporting my Senate campaign, Floridians must pay,” calmly explained America’s sweetheart, who also took time from her busy schedule to announce the potential names of this year’s storms. “Al, Bill, Clinton, Democrat, Evil (Axis of,) Feingold, Gore, Hillary…that one should be a Category 5 bitch…Independents, Jews, Katrina 2, Liberal, Murtha, Nagrin, Osama, Pelosi, Queers, Rejectionist, Sheehan, Trial Lawyer, Unitarian, Vermont, War Protester, X-Rated, Yellow-Belly, and Zionist.”

Many believe, however, that an outcome in the 2006 mid-term elections that Jesus finds pleasing may make 2007 less devastating, and will make it infinitely more America-loving. “Without a doubt, keeping Republicans in power would send a message to the Creator that maybe, just maybe more than 31% of Americans reject Satan,” solemnly stated Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS.) “I have great faith, not only in Jesus, but in America. Well, at least 31% of America. Luckily for them, the other 70-something percent…math is hard…should be nearly wiped off the face of the planet by Election Day.”

Rex Kramer, a veteran of several hurricanes, says to the upcoming season, “Bring It On!”

NEW ALBUM, SAME OLD TREASON

2006-05-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

Dixie Chicks Give Aid, Comfort to Enemy

(New York) In 2003 and as our nation’s brave men and women in uniform prepared to punish Saddam Hussein for his part in 9/11 (The Day That Changed Everything©,) the Dixie Chicks’ Natalie Maines stood before a London audience and treasonly slurred, “Just so you know, we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.*” The justifiable uproar that followed failed to sway our inferior British partners from staying the course in Iraq, but it did bring an abrupt end to the inexplicable popularity of the talentless trio. Dropped from radio rotation, booed at every ACLU meeting they attended, and spit upon by all who believe that “these colors don’t run,” lead singer Maines issued an apology and begged us for our, and Jesus’, forgiveness.

Today, however, and in true Democratic tradition, the Dixie Chicks waffled. Speaking of the President as if he were some kind of drunken roadie, Maines the Mouth incredulously slandered, “I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatsoever.*” Also like any Democrat who ever lived, “Moscow Maines’” remarks contradicted statements she’s made in the past concerning the Country Music Lover-in-Chief. For example, Maines once had the nerve to falsely claim, “I love my country,*” and, “I’m a proud American.*”

“Clearly, Miss Maines…I call her ‘Miss’ as I assume she’s an unwed Welfare mother…is mixing alcohol and prescription drugs,” commented pop culture expert Rush Limbaugh on The Nashville Network’s new round-table show, Love It or Leave It with Toby Keith. “I mean, no respect for the office of the President? That’s a curious stance for someone who alleges to love her country, although I suspect that ‘her country’ may in fact be Iran.” Limbaugh then called for a boycott of the Dixie Chicks’s new album, Taking the Long Way, a call most right-thinking Americans believe is unnecessary, as no self-respecting country music fan could stomach having it in their 8-track collections.

Limbaugh was joined in his rightful Chicks-bashing by music icon Toby Keith, who revealed that he suspects that he reckons he knows what’s behind the band’s latest “we were against Bush before we were against Bush before we were against Bush” rant. “No doubt about it, this is just a sad, sad attempt to sell records,” the all-American Keith insightfully offered. Keith, however, cautioned “Osama’s Angels” that this poorly-planned marketing strategy will ultimately fail. “What these dumb chicks don’t understand is that the 31% of folks who still know that W kicks ass are the same folks who buy country-western records.”

*-Indicates Actual America-Hating Quote

WEEKEND WITHOUT WONK

2006-05-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

Rex Takes Time to Smell the (Eleven) Roses

Saturday marks eleven years of man-woman marriage (the only kind that gets the Baby Jesus’ stamp of eternal approval) for Rex and Mrs. Danger-Seeker…and yes, that means he got married when he was 18 (as far as you know.) Thus, he will be taking this weekend off and properly celebrating with his equally twenty-nine-esque year old wife. RexHeads©…and America…you’ll just have to love America without his help until Monday.

Ed. Note: Can’t get through an entire weekend without a red, white and blue dose of Rex? Then check out Saturday’s The Blue Republic! No, seriously, go now!

NY TIMES JOINS AXIS OF EVIL

2006-05-18T20:04:00.000-04:00

Judith “Judas” Miller Blamed for 9/11

(New York) With Iraq now a flourishing democracy, it appears that a vacancy in the “Axis of Evil” has emerged…that is, until the always anti-American New York Times rushed in to fill the void. In this latest episode of America-hating, an online “blogger” (and thus a highly credible source) has revealed that the Times’ Judy Miller had knowledge as early as July 4, 2001 that al Qaeda intended to attack the homeland, and yet sinisterly kept that information to her evil little self.

“What an ungrateful bitch,” rightfully accused administration martyr I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, a man who understandably wonders why she could keep her big mouth shut then, but not after a mere few days in prison. “After all I did for her…I mean, after all America did for her, she willfully allowed 9/11 to happen? May she write Adam Sandler scripts for the rest of her miserable career!”

It has long been reported that Miller was inspired by the attack on the USS Cole (Clinton’s fault) to investigate the al Qaeda terror network; what was unknown until now is that the attack actually inspired the “Judas of Journalism” to join Osama bin Laden’s ranks. Advised by her co-conspirators that the Islamofascists planned a “major attack” on US soil, Miller chose to sit on the story, thus depriving the newspaper-reading-addicted President Bush the warning necessary for the heroic defense that would have resulted. “Unforgivable,” indignantly harrumphed über-patriot Karl Rove during a break in his tireless efforts to single-handedly rebuild New Orleans’ levee system. “How does she sleep at night…with her lesbian lover Hillary Clinton?”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, upon learning of Miller’s treason, immediately ordered US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald to delay anything he was currently working on until 2009 so that Fitzgerald could focus all of his attention on investigating Miller’s treachery. “Judith Miller, more than any single individual not named ‘Saddam Hussein,’ is responsible for 9/11, the Day That Changed Everything©,” accurately accused Gonzales, who, despite being of Mexican descent, loves America more than any Democrat who ever breathed. “Clearly, the swift and just punishment of a threat to national security trumps a witch-hunt based upon the theory that a so-called CIA ‘analyst’ was possibly and inadvertently outed.” Asked if Miller would be sent to Gitmo or an Eastern European CIA “black prison,” Gonzales replied that “all options are on the table, but based upon her haircut, I think she might enjoy prison…if you know what I mean.”

RHODE ISLAND: STOP HATING AMERICA!!!

2006-05-17T22:05:00.000-04:00

RI Lawyers Sue NSA Sources, Jesus May Be Next Defendant

(Providence) Yesterday the crack Spurious George Un-American Activities staff revealed that Rhode Island is by far the most America-hating state, proven by the inexplicable fact that a mere 23% of those clam-eating bastards stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the President on the Never-Ending War on Everything©. Today it appears that instead of attempting to dispel that label, the state that foisted Patrick Kennedy upon us is actually embracing it, as a cell of al Qaeda-conspiring RI lawyers have sued several telephone companies for their refusal to stop helping the government to keep us all safe from terrorism.

The frivolous class-action suit accuses partners-in-freedom AT&T, BellSouth and Verizon of “illegally” of providing the noble NSA with their customers’ phone call and internet use records. Furthermore, the baseless and highly-partisan legal maneuver asks for $1,000 per “violation.” If the wrong legislating-from-the-bench judge (appointed, of course, by Bill Clinton) inexplicably finds in favor of the plaintiffs, the damages could total in the billions and subsequently erase the President’s recent plan to cut taxes by $70 billion. “Once again, liberals want to tax and sue,” sighed a disgusted Karl Rove, in Providence to oversee the installation of Diebold-brand voting machines ahead of the 2006 mid-term elections. “The only difference is now they do so with the intent of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Then again, what do you expect? They’re from Rhode Island!”

“When have we ever authorized a full-scale fishing expedition*?” whined Rhode Island attorney Michael St. Pierre, a man whose mere name smacks of Francophile America-hating, in justifying his treason. “Sure, the government might prevent another 9/11, but at what cost? I mean, there are lonely middle-aged men out there having intimate conversations with phone-sex operators! Is the avoidance of a national tragedy really worth their embarrassment?”

President Bush, a man who knows a thing or two about fishing expeditions, dismissed the lawsuit as another example of the nattering nabobs of New England negativity. “You see, there’s a reason Rhode is an island; their cut off from the will of good, God-fearing Americans. That is to say, they hate our freedoms. May God continue to bless America.” The President further explained that Rhode Island’s treason proves, more than ever, that Gen. Michael Hayden is the right man, at the right time, to head the CIA. “A military dude at the head of a civilian intelligence-gathering thing-a-ma-jig guarantees not only our security, but that uppity states like the Island of Rhode will get both shocked, and awed!”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

IDAHO LOVES AMERICA!

2006-05-16T23:14:00.000-04:00

Rhode Island? Not So Much

(Boise) A recent poll conducted by somebody-or-other (probably lefty elitist scientists) has revealed that only Wyoming, Utah, and especially Idaho still support the President, and thus America, unconditionally. 52% of citizens of the Gemstone State continue to stay the course, while the remaining 48% have been described as “squatters from Seattle.” The same poll also has proven what many right-thinking Americans have always believed: Rhode Island hates America.

Idahoites, er, Idahoians, um, folks from Idaho took the news in stride, as patriotism, and not potatoes, has long been the state’s claim to fame. Outside his animal husbandry farm outside of Smelterville, entrepreneur Bobby Joe McSisterfucker probably spoke for the majority of his state-mates when he declared his steadfast support for the administration’s sound foreign policy. “That Bush fella’s one of us, you know? I seen him clear brush on the TV, plus I hear he’s nice to horses. His daughters are pretty.” McSisterfucker further stated that as a small business owner, he appreciates the President’s “easy hand” in matters of economics. “Ever since that damn Clinton had the EPA clean up the lead works, folks here have been forced to drink tasteless water and raise cows with only one head!” McSisterfucker speculated, probably correctly, that the resulting lack of mercury in the water supply has made the “other” 48% weak, and thus susceptible to voting Democratic.

Former Vice President (and 2008 contender…keep your fingers crossed) Dan Quayle also lauded Idaho’s America-loving spirit. “Those people are real Americans. They work hard, play hard, and, as is their right granted by the Idaho state Constitution, bang their cousins hard,” explained the Hero of the Heartland. Although not a native of the state, Quayle has come to know the good people of Idaho during his reign as official spokesman for the potato(e) industry. “When you bite into an Idaho potato, you might think you’re tasting heavy metals with a trace of arsenic, but let me tell you, that’s the taste of freedom, mister!”

On the flip side of the future Ronald Reagan coin, only 23% of the enemy aiders-and-comforters in Rhode Island love their country, and many fear even that number may be inflated. “This is a state that had elected and re-elected a Kennedy, for Christ’s sake,” commented Ann Coulter of neighboring Connecticut, a state that, despite her best efforts, “boasts” a 68% America-hating rate. “These people would elect Osama into the Oval Office over Bush. I say we just cede them all to France and be done with it!”

TED KENNEDY SMITED!

2006-05-15T12:09:00.000-04:00

Lightning Strikes, Fails to Kill, Sh*t-Faced Senator

(Boston) Proving once again that our Christian God is a just but vengeful God, a private plane carrying Ten Commandment-violating Senator Ted Kennedy was struck by lightning Saturday afternoon. After taking off following a commencement speech at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts (as if Massachusetts would ever have a College of Conservative Arts) and while en route to his sinful love nest on Cape Cod, the “Hedonist of Hyannisport’s” Cessna lost all power when it was, one can only assume, smited by the Creator. “God acts in mysterious ways,” preached Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson on Friday’s 700 Club. “Then sometimes He just gives people like ‘Killer Kennedy’ the Biblical bitch-slap they so desperately need.”

Robertson and other moral authorities, however, were confused as to why the Almighty chose once again to spare the “Bovian Bostonian’s” life. Kennedy’s plane was able to limp into New Haven, CT, where it is rumored the sauced Senator celebrated by raping several Yale co-eds. “While I would never question His judgment, a man of lesser faith might wonder why a man like Ronald Reagan is taken from us, while a man like Ted Kennedy is allowed to wallow and root among us,” Robertson lamented.

This was not the first time Jesus inexplicably allowed “Tipsy Teddy” to escape certain death. In 1964 another plane carrying the portly politician crashed, resulting in the deaths of the pilot and a political aide (possibly an underage boy.) In a more infamous 1969 incident, the drunk Democrat attempted, in an affront to Jesus, drive his Oldsmobile across Poucha Pond on the island of Chappaquiddick. Surprisingly, “the Menace of Massachusetts” survived; not surprisingly, his innocent (and possibly raped) companion did not.

While no one died as a result of his most recent smiting, FAA officials are investigating why Kennedy was allowed on an airplane in the first place. Said an anonymous official, “Senator Kennedy has been on the no-fly list since January 21, 2001. I’m sorry, make that September 12, 2001. A Kennedy in the Senate has about as much business being on a plane as does a Kennedy in the House being behind the wheel of a car.” A Homeland Security official would neither confirm nor deny that the “Nincompoop of New England” is on the federal no-fly-list, but did comment that, “If Ted Kennedy doesn’t present a clear and present danger to the security of the United States, I don’t know who does.”

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART IV

2006-05-14T00:03:00.000-04:00

Forgotten Baubles from the Junk Drawer of Democracy!

Ed. Note: Before heading off to the beach today, Rex Kramer filtered through his files, looking for stories that may have eluded your (but never his) attention. Listen up, and if you’re not careful, you just might learn something!

Hollywood Hates America!

Actor Mel Gibson, who once starred as “The Patriot,” is now anything but. Whoring his new film, Apocolypto, compared President Bush to brutal Mayan dictators. We thought this man was a Christian!

Hollywood Loves Criminals!

Only in Hollywood! Murderer of white women O.J. Simpson is set to star in a pay-per-view debacle Juiced! (for which he will allegedly not be paid) that includes a parody of his infamous White Bronco “chase.” Sources in heaven say his murdered wife is not laughing.

Hollywood Loves Lawyers!

Is there anyone Tom Cruise won’t sue? Now the diminutive cultists has called out his Heaven’s Gate attorneys on relic Joan Rivers for the inexcusable offense of making a joke about Cruise’s ability to father a child. Note to Tom: no amount of frivolous lawsuits will make you any less gay.

Hollywood Hates Jesus!

Coming soon to blasphemous theaters near you: The DaVinci Code. This piece of fiction would have you believe that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and bore children (sorry if I spoiled it for you.) I mean, are you going to believe that bit of tripe, of the fact that the Son of God was born by a virgin mother, died, was resurrected, now sits on his heavenly throne judging everything you do, and ultimately will return and scoop up all of His believers into heaven? Duh!

EVEN RED STATERS GET THE BLUES

2006-05-13T12:04:00.000-04:00

Rex Battles Depression the Manly, American Way

Ed. Note: Against the advice of staff attorney John Ashcroft, our own Rex Kramer has decided to report today in the first person.

My loyal RexHeads©, it’s been a rough 24 hours here on my land of the free, upon which sits my home of the brave. This time yesterday, the Danger-Seeking clan was packing their humble belongings in anticipation of the imminent sale of their domicile, also known as the “Kramerica Kompound©.” We were also making preparations to take a second gander (with the help of the good folks at the NSA, of course) at a property that we had every intention of making an offer on. Yes, Virginia, things were looking positive for the patriots.

Then, like Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) our potential buyers cut and run at the last, and worst, moment. Does no one “stay the course” these days?!? In any event, the deal is dead, this magnificent residence is back on the free market, and your stars-and-stripes saluting servant is a bit, well, down in the dumps.

Now, before y’all start mailing me condolence checks (remember, “Kramer” begins with a “K,”) rest assured that when Republicans get depressed, we do so conservatively. No, you won’t see this Danger-Seeker in any shrink’s office, blaming all my woes on the fact that daddy didn’t love me. Pop “happy pills?” Do I look like a Kennedy?!? I’ll do what every red-blooded Kramer man has done when the going gets tough…get going!!!

That’s right, Kramericans©, it’s time to fill the cooler full of icy-cold Pabst Blue Ribbon, slap a coat of wax on the board, and head to the beach. On the way to New Smyrna Beach, I might catch a glimpse of the forest fires the liberal media has been whining about. Once there, there’s a possibility the sea level may be a wee bit higher than it was last year. However, as I explained in today’s The Blue Republic piece, this is not proof that the globe is warming! Even if it is, I don’t want to hear about it today! No, I’d rather just drink my beer, ride some waves, and forget about real estate for awhile.

In fact, this may very well turn into a weekend-long surfing safari. If so, be sure to call your mothers tomorrow, America…they’re as American as, well, some kind of pie.

RIO (GRANDE)? BRAVO! ARMY TO MAN THE BORDER

2006-05-12T22:08:00.000-04:00

Rumsfeld: Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 “for Pussies!”

(Washington) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, as one might expect, firmly believes the old football adage that “the best offense is a good defense” (except in Iraq, where the best offense is clearly a “bomb, bomb, repeat” offense.) With that philosophy in mind, Rumsfeld announced that well-rested, returning from Iraq (earlier than expected) troops will be sent to America’s southern border to keep at bay the Mexican horde. “We’re at war, people!” announced the DefSec to a gaggle of liberal media-types. “As you know, you go to war with the thinly-stretched, under-equipped Army you have, not the Army you wish you had.”

Calmly addressing shrill fears that the Army was “crossing the Rubicon,” Rumsfeld explained that only the military was equipped to control the mass influx of potential terrorists who cross the Rio Grande every day. “With all due respect to the Border Patrol and the volunteer Minutemen…American heroes, all…they are not adequately trained or armed for a wartime mission. Luckily, our boys in uniform are well-experienced in that regard.”

Critics of the mobilization have cited the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878, that prohibited national military forces from engaging in domestic law enforcement efforts, as an indication that the administration is disobeying the law. Nothing could be further from the truth, attested our nation’s foremost legal scholar, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “When Chester A. Arthur, a Republican I should point out, and thus a man well-versed in keeping America safe, signed that Act, he made a signing statement in which he declared that the law could be ignored by future Presidents.” When asked by members of the uppity press if any evidence of such a statement existed, Gonzales rightfully stated that making such requests served only to provide aid and comfort to the enemy.

Others within the agency hailed to move to bring the protection of our borders under military control. CIA Director-nominee Gen. Michael Hayden was particularly supportive of the move. “In times of war, which we are now in and will be for the foreseeable future, God willing, it would be irresponsible to suggest that any entity other than the Army should be protecting our freedoms.” General Hayden added that, while our freedoms are under attack, all government functions could use a little military oversight. “If I were in charge, I’d put a military man at the head of the Department of Education. Those long-haired, bad-mouthing-their-country hippie kids could stand a little discipline! Besides, well, recruiting has been a little down of late.”

On the inferior side of the Rio Grande, Mexican officials have pledged full support for the plan to militarize the border region. Through El Presidente Spokesmano Tony Snow, President Vicente Fox announced that “anything Bush wants is OK with him.”

SENATE BANS INTER-BEAR MARRIAGE

2006-05-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

Evidence of Mongrelization Found, Rightfully Killed

(Edmonton, BC) As many in the right-thinking world predicted, the legalization of same-sex marriages in less Jesus-loving cities, states and nations has contaminated the natural world. 2nd Amendment big-game American hunters who paid good, hard-earned and over-taxed dollars to hunt and kill an actual endangered polar bear recently discovered that what they thought was a pure white bear was in fact some kind of half-breed. “Dick, with his keen eye, was the first to notice the abomination,” disgusted outdoorsman Harry Whittington recalled from his Texas hospital bed (recovering from injuries unrelated to the bear hunt.) He said, ‘Harry, I believe I just shot me a mulatto!”

DNA tests conducted on the animal later determined that the “wannabe-white” bear was in fact a Polar-Grizzly hybrid. While offspring of such unholy unions may be acceptable in “I’m OK, You’re OK, eh” Canada, upon his return to the morally-superior US “Dead Eye Dick,” who when not tracking down man-eating beasts and quails acts as President of the Senate, supported a bill in that august body that would ban such unspeakable monstrosities. “We must protect the sanctity of the white bear from the evil, inferior influence of the brown bear,” logically argued the bill’s champion. “Keeping the races of bears separate, but equal, is good for America.”

While many details of the bill have yet to be hammered out, proponents say some aspects are non-negotiable. Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) has vowed that if ever his state establishes a zoo, Grizzlies and Polars will physically separated at all times. “According the Scripture, it is natural to flock with one’s own kind. Noah knew to pair up males and females of the same species; who are we to argue with a 400 year-old man who talked with God?” Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) stated that in the event of another Hurricane Katrina-like event, Grizzlies would remain in the path of the storm while Polar Bears are relocated elsewhere. “Every 700 Club documentary I’ve seen about bears has shown that brown bears love the water, while Polar Bears do not. You can’t argue with that!” Finally, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) expressed his firm belief that the two species should be kept apart because, “I just don’t like black people.”

As for the remains of the unholy hybrid, Dick and Harry have made plans to have the carcass stuffed and placed on display as a warning to those who would endorse such “playing God.” Rebuked Whittington through his respirator, “Keep to your own kind, America!”

GOP OUTLOOK SUN-SHINY IN FLORIDA

2006-05-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris Eye Higher Offices

(Tampa) Despite unrealistic (and not a little un-American) predictions of Republican doom in the 2006 mid-term elections, Florida and national party leaders today predicted great things for two of the greatest living Floridians, Governor Jeb Bush and Congresswoman Katherine Harris. No less an authority on excellent leadership and bright political futures that President Bush, for example, suggested that Governor Bush (no relation) might make the second-greatest President in this nation’s history. “I would like to see Jeb run at some point in time, but I have no idea if that's his intention or not. I have no idea what he's going to do. I've asked him that question myself. I truly don't think he knows.*” President Bush further added that “not knowing things” should not be a barrier for the Oval Office, or, for that matter, the directorship of FEMA, the CIA, or any other federal agency.

The opinion of the Decider-in-Chief was echoed by another former President, whose surname is also, coincidentally, Bush. Using the brilliant ability of those with that last name to weave oxymoronic gold out of this air, former President George H.W. Bush confidently predicted that Governor Bush (again, no relation) would be an “awfully good*” future chief executive.

Meanwhile, Florida House Speaker Allan Bense announced today that he would not engage in an obviously-futile effort to challenge America’s sweetheart Katherine Harris for the GOP Senatorial nomination. Bense, who delusionally believed that he would have been a “very good candidate with a chance of beating the incumbent*” had he decided to be a man and run, was forced to acknowledge that Harris is an unstoppable political force. “She loves Jesus, is ethically unimpeachable, wildly popular across party lines, and, let’s face it, as hot as a slug on a July Florida road,” complimented Bense, who further hinted that Harris’s political star has not yet reached its’ zenith. “Can you imagine a Bush-Harris 2008 ticket? Seriously, can you imagine it?”

* - Indicates Actual Quote. Yep, these are our elected leaders.

SIMPLE MAN, SIMPLE PLEASURES

2006-05-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

Bush Loves Fishing Only Slightly Less than America

(Crawford, TX) “A wise man, probably Jesus…hard to say…once said, ‘teach a man to fish, you know, and he’ll eat,” quoted President Bush as he cast his line impressively into the pre-dawn still of a Crawford lake. “But if you teach a man to fish, and you aren’t, you know, a commie unionist teacher who hates Jesus and believes we came from monkeys, well, then, you know, that’s great.” The President says that he does some of his best thinking (about how to keep America safe) while fishing, and that is during these times he comes up with almost all of his brilliant ideas. Thus, it came as no great surprise when Bush recently told a German journalist what the greatest moment of his presidency was.

“I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb perch in my lake*,” boasted the First Fisherman, who clearly is a man with his priorities in order. “I know that human being and fish can co-exist peacefully*. I know this, you see, because that perch told me so. Pretty smart fish, huh?”

According to inside sources, the President and the perch have been inseparable ever since. In recent weeks the know-nothing liberal media has called for a “shake-up” of the administration, but to date the fish, or “Perchy,” remains a loyal advisor to Bush. “The President has great confidence in Perchy, and believes that relieving him of his duties would only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy,” reported new White House press secretary Tony Snow. “President Bush would never consider dismissing Perchy unless he was really, really hungry. He is, after all, a 7.5 pound fish.”

While the President’s loyalty to Perchy remains taut, others have questioned Perchy’s judgment and competence. “I have heard that invading Iraq was all Perchy’s idea,” whined Democratic leader Howard Dean, a man who has probably never fished. “I have also heard that it was Perchy who coordinated the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, allowed the UAE to purchase US ports, and ignored pre-9/11 intelligence.” Howard then screeched like an African monkey, and, not surprising, began to fling his own feces.

Administration officials, citing Patriot Act loopholes, would neither confirm nor deny Perchy’s involvement in any official government action. However, a confidential source revealed that Perchy may in fact be nominated for the vacant CIA chair position, or, failing that, the next Supreme Court opening.

* - Indicates Actual Quote. Seriously…even I couldn’t make that up.

SATURDAY/SUNDAY IN THE SUNSHINE STATE SUBURBS

2006-05-06T19:51:00.000-04:00

Rex Goes House-Hunting

(Orlando) First, the good news. Today Spurious George’s own real estate tycoon Rex Kramer accepted an offer to purchase the historic Kramerica Kompound (see Wednesday’s column) that was on the open market for all but a few days. Now, the bad news. If the deal goes through, he’ll have to relocate to a new Patriotic Pad by June 30th. Thus, house-hunting has begun in earnest. In fact, Rex and Mrs. Danger-Seeker looked at a dozen or properties today (being old souls, their favorite thus far is a 96 year-old two-story in the historic district…a neighborhood that prohibits liberals,) and will no doubt view countless more in the days and weeks to come. Rex has reported back to SG HQ that if the CIA really wants to torture terrorists, they should have them shuttled around town in the company of a husband-wife realtor team.

In any event, Rex wants his legions of fans to know that this weekend will be consumed with domestic-type endeavors, and thus you will all be abandoned like the red-headed hippie step-children that you are. Actually, that’s not entirely true…he will, during his rare “down times” visit and cast a judgmental glare at all the lefty sites he has ignored these past few hectic weeks. He may even select his next target for his semi-weekly “Focus on the Freedom-Hating Blog.” You’ve been warned!

See Y'all On Monday!

KENNEDY KILLS AGAIN?

2006-05-05T21:15:00.000-04:00

Ted’s Boy Wrecks; Police Search for Drowned Co-Ed

(Washington) Proving once again that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree around which one might find the twisted wreckage of a car with Massachusetts plates, Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) today admitted that his recent auto accident was the result of…big surprise…substance abuse. Even less shocking was the fact that local police, under pressure from the Kennedy political machine, covered up evidence of the son of Ted Kennedy’s drunken debacle…going so far as to failing to give Kennedy a sobriety test and subsequently driving him home. Although under the competent umbrella of Homeland Security, Capitol Police acted negligently, admitted an agency spokesman. “While we gave him the preferential treatment befitting a man of his heritage, we inexcusably failed to apologize for allowing a construction zone along his route home, and for permitting a physical barrier in front of his direction of travel.”

Using the authority granted him by the Patriot Act (don’t believe us? Read it yourself,) President Bush reassigned responsibility for investigating the incident to various law enforcement agencies. Taking immediate action, the Justice Department executed warrant-less searches of every residence and vehicle owned by anyone named “Kennedy,” while the FBI dredged the Potomac (as well as the reflecting pool) for evidence of any drowned co-eds. “While there exists no evidence that Congressman Kennedy intentionally wrecked his vehicle, allowed a young woman to drown, and then leave the scene, it would be irresponsible to not suggest that it may have happened,” fittingly remarked FBI Director Robert Mueller. “My office will release more innuendo and rumor as it becomes available.”

Rep. Kennedy’s national disgrace has rekindled memories of other family members who couldn’t hold their liquor. Family patriarch and closet cross-dresser Joseph Kennedy was known among his few heterosexual friends as “Shitface McDrunkypants.” President John F. Kennedy, while an undergrad at Harvard, often mopped up his whiskey-induced vomit with an American flag. As commander-in-chief his addiction was directly responsible for such “bad calls” as the Bay of Pigs, his open infidelity, and the decision to ride in a convertible on that fateful day (thinking the fresh air would clear the webs of his hangover.) Senator Kennedy, as everyone knows, is much like O.J. Simpson, an unconvicted killer, and to this day remorselessly sends a bottle of cheap vodka to the Kopechne family every year on the anniversary of their daughter’s death.

“Don’t forget about poor John-John,” reminded unofficial Kennedy family biographer Rush Limbaugh. “Did you see him wobble while saluting his father’s passing casket? That wasn’t emotion…that was grandma Rose feeding him a snoot of cognac!” The dashing young Kennedy’s life-long battle with the bottle ultimately contributed to his own death, as many believe he was snorting vodka shots off his young wife’s taut stomach when the plane he was piloting collided with the unforgiving waters below. “The only things the Kennedys haven’t wrecked is America,” quipped Limbaugh. “But it hasn’t been for a lack of trying.”

IRAQI INSURGENTS SHOOT LIKE GIRLS

2006-05-04T21:35:00.000-04:00

Military Questions Al-Zarqawi’s Manhood

(Basra) US military officials released video that at first glance appears to be clip better suited for Iraq’s favorite TV show, The Sunni-est Bloopers and Practical Jokes than it is a for a man who props himself up as a so-called “terrorist mastermind.” The video, discovered during a raid that brings the insurgency closer to its’ last throes every day, shows Iraqi al-Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in a less-than-masculine light. “What this video has taught us,” explained new US Command spokesman Lt. General Scott McClellan, “is that al-Zarqawi is basically a fancy boy.”

Despite all his bravado, it appears that al-Zarqawi is incapable of learning a basic skill every red-blooded American boy learns by age six; how to properly fire a fully-automatic assault rifle. Much to the wannabe-warrior’s humiliation, the captured video shows the marginalized al Qaeda leader struggling with such simple tasks such as clearing a double-feed malfunction. “We showed this ineptitude to the administration’s senior weapons expert, Charles Heston,” explained McClellan. “After he laughed that classic hearty laugh of his, he commented that even a damn, dirty ape knows that an AK-47 double-feed malfunction is cleared by depressing the magazine ejection tab, pulling back smartly on the retraction slide while simultaneously holding the weapon at a 90 degree angle, re-inserting a loaded magazine and charging the weapon!”

During his exercise in incompetence, al-Zarqawi is also seen wearing the latest New Balace running shoes. While military experts stressed that this a major tactical no-no, others in more specialized fields believe his choice of footwear is indicative of the “Bad Boy of Basra’s” true sexual orientation. “My shoes are fab-u-lous!” shrieked Col. Jeff Gannon, commander of the Army’s new “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” brigade. “I mean, do you see how they bring the whole ensemble together? It’s like, Sunni chic!”

BUY A PIECE OF AMERICAN HISTORY!

2006-05-03T23:03:00.000-04:00

Kramerica Kompound Goes on the Free Market

(Orlando) While Brad and Jen’s old digs have caught the eye of those who follow the fascinating world of celebrity real estate transactions, another and far-more patriotic property was put up for public purchase today. Spurious George’s own infamous globe-trotting and hippie-smiting reporter Rex Kramer has, as a result of his ascending pop icon status and manly fertility, outgrown his current residence, and thus has placed his stately manor up for sale. The price of the sprawling complex, known worldwide as the “Kramerica Kompound” or the “Patriotic Peyton Place,” was not made immediately known, although experts have said that a site of such historic importance is priceless.

David H. Safavian, a former top federal procurement official and thus a man knowledgeable in the value of things, expertly predicted that bidding would be fierce for the freedom-lover’s famous fortress. “When it gets around that a solid offer for Rex’s home might include access to some of his, let’s say ‘connected’ friends, I can assure you that the sky’s the limit.” Safavian, a man who knows how to get deals done, opined that minorities seeking a larger voice in Washington would be particularly interested in making Kramer’s sale a profitable venture. “I’m telling you, Indians will pay through the nose for access to power. I’m talking about the fire water-drinking kind, not the Slurpee-selling kind, of course.”

While the Kramer estate does occupy some of Central Florida’s most valuable land, some say the real draw is Rex himself. “There’s even been a push in Tallahassee to make his home a historic site,” gushed Governor Jeb Bush, a close personal friend of Rex’s. “In fact, Congresswoman Katherine Harris herself called me today and pledged $10 million of her own money toward purchasing the property for the purpose of making it a state-sponsored shrine…and for endorsing her senatorial candidacy.” Despite the Honorable Congresswoman’s generosity and a state budget surplus measured in the billions (thanks to Republican leadership,) the state government’s bid fell far short of those submitted by others.

“I’ve had offers from the Republican National Committee, the Heritage Foundation and Halliburton that are, quite frankly, obscene,” humbly stated Kramer in describing the multitude of organizations that have tendered offer sheets. “The fact of the matter is, however, that I would much rather offer this opportunity to own a piece of American history to one of my millions of fans. I mean, who among them wouldn’t want to boast that they own the house where the whole Rex Kramer-mania began?”

For those interested (and well-heeled enough to make an offer that wouldn’t incite Rex to spit at you contemptuously,) in addition to the main house (an exact replica of the White House, only bigger and without a press briefing room,) the Kramerica Kompound offers an indoor, NRA-approved shooting range, several exploratory oil wells, a small yet ornate chapel, and acres of woods stocked with quail-hunting lawyers.

Ed. Note: Rex did indeed put his humble home on the market today. For those of you who have endured the trials of selling and buying a home at the same time, you know that the experience is akin to pulling out one’s own teeth with a pair of pliers…only more painful. Thus, if his attention to this site is less than total over the next few days (please, please, please let it just be a few days,) he apologizes in advance.

SG STEALS FROM THE BEST

2006-05-02T19:22:00.000-04:00

If Joe Biden Can Do It, Why Can’t We?

Ed. Note: In the past some of you, for reasons probably due to you being off your meds, have accused SG’s Rex Kramer of being, “a poor man’s Stephen Colbert”…this despite the fact that Rex was loving America back when “Stephen-Come-Lately” was smoking dope and bad-mouthing his country! Still, even Rex admits that he finds Mr. Colbert’s antics amusing from time to time. Most recently, this “poor man’s Rex Kramer” entertained the liberal media elite at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, where even Helen Thomas cracked a smile for once in her miserable life. To show that there’s no hard feeling between Rex and “Poor Imitation” Stephen, and because Rex is really, really hungover today, we present you with a transcript (courtesy of the hippies at the Daily Kos) of Mr. Funny-Man’s pseudo-humor.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
NOTE BY FREDERICK: The "audition tape" I have transcribed below is available here.
BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with an empty podium. Colbert's head rises from behind the podium until Colbert is standing at the podium. He addresses the assembled Washington press corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?
COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You (pointing to another reporter).
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well, how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen" written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell the people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME." He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question. I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of Moran's question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen.
HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is why did you really want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough! No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China. He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my life! Stupid job.
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells "Condi!" We see a close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry. Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!
ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the keys into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in front of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing. Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!
END OF "AUDITION TAPE"
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

ILLEGALS PROTEST, WORLD STILL TURNS

2006-05-01T17:26:00.000-04:00

“Day Without Immigrants” Ignored by Most

(Brownsville, TX) Ever since Mary Jones’ husband passed away, and, as a life-long Republican went straight to heaven, she has needed some help around the yard. Luckily for her, Brownsville supports a healthy day-laborer industry whose well-compensated employees happily assist her. More importantly, as Mrs. Jones is on a fixed income, they do so at a fraction of what it would cost to hire that lazy white teenage boy across the street. “Once a week they’d send down one or two of the Mexican fellas to weed or clean the gutters or whatnot,” reminisced Jones who, like most old people, are dull as hell. “Today, though, the man on the phone said they done run out of Mexicans! Well, I suppose I’ll just have to wait ‘til tomorrow to get my windows cleaned.”

Jones’ experience was consistent with most others’ on this ho-hum “Day Without Immigrants.” While some office workers did report that their waste cans were unusually full and by all accounts it’s impossible to get one’s Jag detailed, most Americans exhibited their “can-do” spirit by muscling through this “hardship.” Commented Bob Smith, owner of Bob’s Auto Body in Tulsa. “We got a guy here, Jose, Julio, something like that. Anyway, he didn’t show up today. I think it’s Sinko Deh-Mayo, which in Spanish means “I’m too drunk to work.” This isn’t the first time, but he’s a good kid, and for what I pay him, he deserves a day off now and then.”

Some industries, however, have been affected slightly more than others. Golf courses around the nation reported that their greens are 1/8” longer today than they would have been had they been cut as scheduled. Many Mexican restaurants closed briefly while Puerto Rican replacements (who, let’s face it, look just like Mexicans) were recruited. Of course, the farming sector was the hardest hit. Gentleman farmer Tom White of Des Moines began weeding his tomato field himself this morning before coming to the conclusion that, “Aw, what the hell…it can wait until tomorrow.”

Still, some government officials are concerned that this mini-strike is sending the wrong message to the citizens who actually pay taxes, as well as to our enemies abroad. “What would happen if every American worker decided to just take a day off?” pondered Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, who, despite her foreign-sounding name, loves America. “Soon you’d have people demanding a 40 hour work week, two week’s worth of vacation, and probably even health insurance. This isn’t France, people!” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld added his concern that the image of lazy Americans (“even the illegal ones”) provided aid and comfort to the enemy. “I can assure you, Osama never takes a day off!”

FOCUS ON THE FREEDOM-HATING BLOG (Part 2)

2006-04-30T09:53:00.000-04:00

This Week’s Target: Blognonymous!

Ed. Note: We here at Spurious George World Headquarters exist not to judge, but to educate. With that in mind, each week we will cast our judgmental-yet-educating spotlight of righteousness upon one of the more freedom-hating blogs that spread their slanderous liberal lies without fear of repercussion. In the days that follow, SG will comment daily (in a patriotic, constructive manner) at that site, as well as contact each of that site’s link…all in an effort to bring the offending blogger back to the side of America-loving! Think of it as an online intervention

(SG HQ) Enough already, Blognonymous! We beg of you…stop hating America!

From your obvious Francophile tendencies (seriously, a frog? Why not just wear a beret,) to your smarmy liberal-elite messages you leave on other blogs, to your inexplicable failure to accept President Bush’s edicts as the Word of God, everything about you screams in a crocking voice, “I live to bad-mouth my country!”

Clearly, you are beyond helping yourself, so we here at SG are here to do it for you. Over the next week we, the Rex Kramer Nation (a.k.a. “Kramerica,”) will be flooding your site with superior, pro-America messages in a heroic attempt to make you see the error of your ways. In addition, we will be contacting each and every site listed in your “links” section, both hippie and pseudo-hippie alike, and urging them to, a) coerce you into adopting a more patriotic outlook on life, and, b) stop hating America themselves.

Also, I have no doubt that the millions who visit this site will join me in this Jesus-approved endeavor. Trust me, when the RexHeads are mobilized, no one (not even the combined efforts of the Iraqi rejectionists and the marginalized Democratic Party) can stand in their way!

You’ve been warned, hippie frog!

Ed. Footnote: Those of you who maintain other hippie-sites best not feel smug…soon you too will be dragged kicking and screaming over to the Right side of the lilly pad!

MAIL BAG O’PATRIOTISM

2006-04-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

Rex Reads and Laughs at Your Stupid Questions

Ed. Note: As one might expect, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker) receives the vast majority of fan mail here at Spurious George’s Orlando World Headquarters. While most letters contain panties and/or pleas that he run for public office, occasionally one or two have within them a question that isn’t entirely stupid. Once his team of lackeys picks through these, he does from time to time take pause in his efforts to make the world safe for democracy and answer you, his adoring public. Luckily for you, today is such a day!

Citizen Rex,

Although I take time on my well-earned off-days to practice my hobbies of bush-clearing and pretzel-eating, I expect my heroes to be on-duty, 24/7/365. Lately, whenever I make my thrice-daily visits to your site, you seem to have some excuse for not posting. Pardon my Texan, but WTF?

You’re Still Doing a Heckuva Job,

W

Dear W,

While it is true that lately I’ve slacked a bit in my patriotism-preaching duties, rest assured that I spend every waking moment (and most sleeping moments not dedicated to thoughts of Jessica Alba eating a banana) thinking about how to make this country safer. Keep in mind, however, that of late your Hezbollah-hating hero has been pre-occupied with issues near and dear to every conservative’s heat: family (Mrs. Danger-Seeker is into the second trimester of her incubation of the third Kramer child,) capital gains (selling the Kramer Kompound, at a nice profit,) and crime-fighting (putting murderers behind bars so you don’t have to!) That said, sometimes a man just needs to kick back on his Crawford ranch and watch the world pass by.

Rex My Boy!

I’m shamed to admit it, but “thanks” to some liberal partisan prosecution, I’m writing to you today from the County Jail (can you believe they’re arresting people for so-called “prescription fraud” when Osama’s still on the loose?) Rex, you’re a cop…any chance you can pull a few strings and get me out of here? Jail is no place for rich white men with documented histories of anal cysts!

Feeling No Pain,

RL

Dear RL,

As a true Republican, I agree that the government needs to stay out of our medicine cabinets. As for that cyst problem, well, you need to keep that stuff to yourself.

Rex, You Insensitive Bastard!

I must tell you your recent “gift” of carpet shampoo and “Snap-On” brand tools were in extremely poor taste…especially because, as gifts, I had to report them to the Federal Campaign Committee and thus they are now on public record. I don’t know what rumors you’ve heard about me, but let me say for the record I have never been attracted to young, sweet, nubile, perky young women! I mean, if, hypothetically, if one were here in my Senate office as I write this, I would not be feeling her up with one hand while typing with another. As you may know, I recently re-embraced Jesus, and I know that He doesn’t approve of such things. Please inform your millions of fans, especially the hunky men, that I am 100% woman!

Heterosexually Yours,

H

Dear H,

I have been in your Senate office (vandalizing it, naturally,) and I must say I’ve never seen deeper closets in a government building! Seriously, H, you’re kidding no one. Stop the charade (before 2008.) I beg of you.

Ed. End Note: That’s all for now, folks. If you haven’t received your daily fill of Rex, why not check out more of his wisdom over at The Blue Republic?

DEAD AIR, AMERICA!

2006-04-28T20:35:00.000-04:00

Air America Goes Way of Dodo, John Kerry

(New York) As the Chairman of the Board (Sinatra, not Cheney) once crooned about New York, “If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.” Left unsaid was that if you couldn’t make it there, well, maybe Duluth was more your speed.

Despite being the most liberal American city that doesn’t rhyme with “Man Tanbisco,” New York has turned its’ back on Air America, the America-hating home of rabble-rousers such as Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo. The ill-conceived liberal talk radio network that was founded with money provided by the tax-supported National Endowment for the Arts and a healthy contribution from the twisted folks at the National Assembly of Massachusetts-Based Liberal Agitators (NAMBLA) lost their flagship station when advertisement revenue fell far short of projections. “As it turns out, hippies have no money,” explained WLIB-AM general manager Jane Fonda. “Who knew?”

While tens of fans mourned the loss of Franken’s whiney voice, a few held onto the delusional hope that the network would find a new Big Apple home. New York icon and confessed pedophile Woody Allen expressed rare optimism in offering possible options for the beleaguered network. “Well, there’s always the subway stations. I did stand-up there in the 50’s, and when I wasn’t getting spit on I sometimes made enough money to buy a nice teenage girl in Chinatown.” While there are no confirmed reports that Franken, like Allen, prefers Asian children to share his bed, no one denies that the former Saturday Night Live writer is a liberal man of Jewish descent with little to no comedic talent.

Another rare fan, Rosie O’Donnell, also expressed confidence that the on-air “talent” would find other venues for their liberal rants. “Any one of them would be a hit down at the ‘Y’ or at any club in the Village, but that Janeane Garofalo? What a cutie-patootie!” O’Donnell, who went on to describe in great detail the virtues of Garofalo’s breasts, admitted that he politics tend to fall far left of center. “Let’s just say that George Bush doesn’t like my kind.”

New and completely fair and balanced White House spokesman Tony Snow quickly rebutted O’Donnell’s libel. “Mr. O’Donnell couldn’t be more wrong. As you all know, the President has a long history of being the champion of fat Irish-American men. “Cheney,” as you all know, is Celtic for “brave quail hunter.” After being pulled aside by and whispered to by former Chief of Staff Andy Card, the neophyte returned to the podium and read to the collected press corps his favorite passages from “My Pet Goat.”

Promotional Note: Are you, like us, tired of waiting for the End of Days? If so, check out Rex Kramer’s Saturday piece in The Blue Republic, where he reveals the exact day you can expect to be shaking hands with Jesus!

No Patriotism For You!

2006-04-27T19:47:00.000-04:00

Come Back Tomorrow!

On Rex Kramer's To-Do List Tonight:

1) Write another masterpiece for The Blue Republic.

2) De-clutter the Kramerica Kompound (this historic monument goes on the market on Monday.)

3) Pay attention to the wee Danger-Seeking Daughters (but not too much, lest they be spoiled,) and possibly even feed them.

4) Pray to the Temple of the Freedom-Loving Jesus that the next Danger-Seeking child is a boy.

5) Continue to love America...more than you.

Sadly, this exhaustive list leaves Rex little time to preach to the patriotism-deficient.

9/11 FAMILIES HATE AMERICA

2006-04-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

Greedy Survivors Give Aid, Comfort to Enemy

(Alexandria, VA) Family members of victims of 9/11 (and really, weren’t we all victims of 9/11?) who once praised the government for its’ immediate retaliation against al Queda-loving Iraq, now seem bent on providing aid and comfort to the same people that brought about “the Day that Changed Everything©.” Relatives of those who bravely gave their lives in the name of freedom on 9/11 and who have been offered a more-than-fair settlement of $7 billion from the government, have instead opted to sabotage the hugely-popular (and even more patriotic) War on Terror© for the sole purpose of satisfying their own greed.

These ingrates’ most recent America-hating act was revealed today, when they filed a motion to gain access to evidence collected in the government’s case against Hillary Clinton’s former pen pal, Zacarias Moussaoui. The self-serving reason? To further their baseless civil wrongful death lawsuit, a frivolous case that shames the memory of their heroic kin and the role they played in making America safer for democracy. Government attorneys contend, and rightly so, that releasing such sensitive information could potentially damage future cases against those responsible (in addition to Saddam) for 9/11…should they ever be brought to justice.

Prosecutors further argued that the requested evidence, while currently unclassified, could be re-classified as “super-duper top secret” should the Decider-in-Chief deem the information vital to national security. “As everyone knows, under the guidelines set forth in the universally-applauded Patriot Act, if the President says it’s a secret, it’s a secret,” patiently explained Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales, who may have had a distant (but dearly-loved) third cousin interning at a Wall Street law firm located only blocks away from the World Trade Center on that fateful day, knows the heartbreak 9/11 families feel, but asserted that their refusal to “let go” must be balanced against the good of the nation. “Will a few unclassified documents of little consequence bring back the thousands of Americans killed by Saddam Hussein’s henchmen on the 11th day of September? No…and to suggest otherwise is clearly irresponsible, and not a little America-hating.”

Especially galling was the fact that some family members assisted the government by testifying against the defendant in the Moussaoui trial, and then before a much-deserved death sentence could be passed down (keep your fingers crossed) decided to stab America in the back. Speaking for the administration for the last time, Medal of Freedom-winning White House spokesman Scott McClellan declared, “These people, like our Old Europe allies sitting on the fence regarding the Iranian crisis, need to decide if they’re with us or against us.”

Ed. Note: Is Rex Kramer an asshole? Vote now in SG's latest poll!

GAS PUMP WOES? BLAME THE TREE-HUGGERS!

2006-04-25T22:13:00.000-04:00

Bush: Enviro-Nazis Cause of High Fuel Costs

(Washington) Feeling pressure to curb skyrocketing fuel costs, President Bush announced today what most Americans already knew; hippies are to blame for excessive oil prices. “I'm directing EPA administrator Johnson to use all of his available authority to grant waivers that would relieve critical fuel supply shortages, and I do that for the sake of our consumers,*” invoked the President, addressing ridiculous and outdated regulations put in place by the hippie-friendly Carter administration. Left unsaid, but understood as a given, is that such regulations only serve to provide aid and comfort to the enemies.

The President’s “War on Tree-Hugging©” was applauded by those who have raged against the power monopoly environmentalists have enjoyed for decades. “You know why those penguin-poking hippies have fought tooth and nail against drilling in the ANWR, don’t you?” rhetorically asked Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. “That’s where they grow their weed!” Stevens, as most true Americans know, has long been a proponent of oil exploration in the lifeless wastelands of his home state, and has repeatedly and reasonably protested that EPA regulations are far too restrictive. “I mean, so what if we have a major spill? Have you ever been to central Alaska? It’s a frozen hell! Imagine the 9th Ward frozen solid and with less black folks, and you get an idea of what the ANWR is really like.”

Other like-minded patriots were hopeful that the President’s actions would result in even more necessary EPA waivers. “If we could just get those lab geeks off of our backs, just think of what we could accomplish in the Everglades,” fantasized Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL.) “Think about it. You’d be hard-pressed to find any reasonable person who’d argue that unregulated sugar farming coupled with rapid condominium development wouldn’t help bring down oil prices. It’s science, people!”

Others deeply concerned with this nation’s Addiction to Foreign Oil© also offered ideas how a watered-down EPA could assist in curbing rampant fuel cost increases. “Why, with the Enviro-Nazis out of the way, I could shoot as many lawyers as I wanted. No limit!” cheered Vice President Cheney. “As any government scientist could tell you, the average attorney, when properly squeezed, produced 6-8 gallons of sweet, sweet crude oil! That’s just good for America, people!”

While President Bush stated that his lifting of EPA regulations was only temporary, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales later issued a position paper in which it was clearly stated that any temporary order issued by the President during times of war is, per the Patriot Act, permanent.

* - Indicates Actual Quote (No, Really)

POLL: AMERICANS INCREASINGLY STUPIDER

2006-04-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

Begs Question: Are Retardation, America-Hating Connected?

(Washington) As every parent concerned about the state of public education recalls, President Bush once poised the imponderable question, “Is our children learning?*” Almost six years later, it appears that we have an answer; “not so goodly.” A CNN poll (if such things can be believed) released today revealed that only 32% of Americans now support the President unquestioningly; conversely, Department of Education officials now fear that 68% of the population is “dumber than dog shit.”

“Clearly, the secular system of education endorsed by the Clinton administration has failed us,” mourned Education Secretary Margaret Spellings. Spellings, whose teaching bona fides include an educational stint as political advisor to Bush’s first gubernatorial campaign and who helped co-author the brilliant No Child Left Behind Act, believes (and rightly so) that keeping God out of the classroom has kept intelligence out of our collective heads. “What would Jesus say about a nation that turned its’ back on its’ leader during a time of war? Far be it from me to put words in the mouth of the Lord, but I feel confident that the Baby Jesus would shed a small Holy tear over such disloyal stupidity.”

Spellings’ dead-on assessment was shared by the newly-appointed Secretary of Christian Education, the Rev. Pat Robertson. “A true Christian soldier would never abandon his commander-in-chief on the battlefield,” asserted Robertson, who has deftly merged his new duties with those he already tends to as Secretary of Church and State. “Thus, every public school in the land must be smited for their idiocy, and soon! Sure, some innocents will perish, but you must expect these things in a time of war against the pagans.” Robertson went on to cite Iraqi civilian casualties as an example of how sometimes horror is necessary in the reach for the greater good, but was also quick to point out that no Iraqi is truly innocent.

Others disagree that a sudden drop in IQ levels at the school level is the cause of President Bush’s inexplicable sliding poll numbers. “The fact is, things went so seamlessly well during the first term that people, even good, conservative Republican people, developed unrealistic expectations for the administration,” explained outgoing White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “However, that said, as there is an ongoing investigation into who leaked the President’s poll numbers, it would be irresponsible to comment further.”

Asked to address to the two-thirds of Americans who, according to the poll, couldn’t spell U-S-A without humming a Lee Greenwood song, President Bush responded by saying that he had made the mistake of taking polls too seriously in the past, but would not repeat that error again. “Fool me once…shame on…shame on you…if fooled, you can’t get fooled again!*”

* - Denotes Actual Quotes (but you knew that already)

SG ANTI-TERROR EXCLUSIVE!

2006-04-24T10:34:00.000-04:00

Osama Actually an Angry Black Woman!

(Orlando) After analyzing the latest amateur-quality tape issued by marginalized al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Spurious George’s crack intelligence team has come to the undisputable conclusion that the terror ring-leader is in fact an attention-seeking, angry African-American female. “Beyond any reasonable doubt, we have proven that the world’s most wanted man, er, woman, lurks among us,” reasonably explained senior SG intelligence analyst George Tenet. “If I were still continuing my Medal of Freedom-winning career at the CIA, I’d have the threat alert set at ultra-violet right about now.”

While intelligence used to make this determination is highly classified and thus none of your damn business, experts stated off the record that “Osama’s” actions since 9/11 (The Day That Changed Everything©) have only served to reveal his/her true self. “Think about it,” implored the source, who despite what you might think, is definitely not Vice President Dick Cheney. “This person…I hesitate to call him or her ‘Osama’…blames everyone but him or herself for his or her own problems. He or she is always blaming ‘the West,’ correct? Folks, that’s just code for ‘the white man.’ And so I ask you, what segment of society blames their own ill fortune inexplicably on the white man? I’ll give you one guess.”

“Anyone who has ever watched auditions for American Idol could tell you that we’re dealing with an angry black woman,” sensibly opined another source, who referred to himself simply as “the Hammer.” According to this source, Osama, like all women of color who delusionally believe their more important than they actually are, act out irrationally when the cold nightstick of reality comes crushing down on their psyche. “Have you seen these women who Simon rejects with a smarmy comment? Pathetic! Despite evidence to the contrary, they walk away loudly professing their talent, usually accompanied by a few veiled threats. Sound familiar?”

“In this world of instant pseudo reality-TV fame, the psychotic attention-seeker, and especially the black female, will go to every length to see her face on TV…even if it is covered with a fake beard and dirty turban,” insightfully added “Lush Rimbaugh,” one of America’s most respected media voices. “Clearly what we’re dealing with here who believes that access to a cheap video camera and al Jazeera’s telephone number will make her a star. Sadly, she seems to care infinitely more about herself than she does for the country that emancipated her.”

Reached at his Crawford ranch where he is taking a well-earned vacation, President Bush refused to declare a “War on Angry Black Women©,” but stated that all options are on the table.

THE SG SUNDAY EDITORIAL

2006-04-23T10:12:00.000-04:00

Priorities: Get Some!

Whenever I have some free time on my hands (rare,) I sometimes peruse the vast, bong water-scented ocean of hippie blogs that swallow precious bandwidth that could otherwise be used for hunting down Osama. I am, at this point in my danger-seeking career, incapable of being surprised by the hippie’s unsubstantiated mantra (i.e. “George Bush sucks,”) but I must admit my brow was raised ever-so-magnificently when I realized the sheer volume of propaganda the average America-hater spews on any given day. Some, in fact, post numerous lie-stained manifestos every day! While I suppose I should be impressed that this kind of output can be maintained despite the well-documented lethargy that is associated with chronic marijuana use, the fact is I can’t help but wonder if marijuana also affects one’s ability to establish priorities in one’s life (having never inhaled, I can only speculate.) As T.J. Hooker once told the audience of a subversive and overrated late-night variety show, “Get a life!”

Consider the recent historic events transpiring in the über-American existence of your humble hero. As I pen this patriotic post, I am still in the midst of a particularly messy homicide investigation, planning for the arrival of the next Danger-Seeking Kramer, attempting to sell the current Kramerica© compound while at the same time searching for the next headquarters site, and on top of it all, dealing with a really annoying ingrown toenail. I point this out not to illustrate how my challenges are more impressive than your own (but let’s face it, they are,) but rather to provide an example of how to prioritize one’s issues. With these engrossing issues, am I concerned about the mythical “global warming?” Do I obsess over when the bombs will start falling (hint: soon) on Tehran? Do I lose sleep thinking about such trivial matters such as abortion rights? The answers, clearly, are no, no, and why would I…I’m not a chick!

The fact of the matter is I pay my over-inflated taxes so that our benevolent federal government can worry about these insignificant issues for me, so that I might be better able to tend my own patriotic victory garden. Lest you think this is only a conservative (and thus superior) philosophy, I can assure you that it is not. Why, ever Her High Hippiness endorses the “In the Government We Trust” idea in her weekly liberal literature love-fest over at The Blue Republic. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself!

RexHeads©, I firmly believe that if the hippie horde would only embrace their paternalistic leaders, they’d be a less miserable lot (seriously, when’s the last time you saw a liberal crack a smile?) How could they not? With the majority of their baseless gripes attended to by professional patriots, their limited energy could be used not only to address their own priorities (i.e. tie-dying, dope-smoking, and job-avoiding,) but also to…maybe, just maybe…publish an America-loving post now and then!

BACK TO (PATRIOTIC) BUSINESS

2006-04-22T11:58:00.000-04:00

Spurious George Resumes Its' Regularly-Scheduled America-Loving

(Orlando) The nation of Rex Kramer's fans, also known as "RexHeads," have no doubt noted that their hero's missives have been sporadic of late. The reason for this interruption of timely patriotism has already been explained as much as can be under the restrictions of the Patriot Act. In any event, Rex's mission to keep this country safe, while never-ending, will at least downdrade enough to allow him to resume his daily duties of doling out democracy-friendly data beginning Monday (at the latest.) In the meantime, why not take a gander at Rex's attempts to bring patriotism to the hippies over at The Blue Republic? In today's piece Rex waxes philisophic about how Samuel L. Jackson's latest opus, Snakes on a Plane, is good for America. Good stuff!

McCLELLAN CUTS AND RUNS

2006-04-19T23:20:00.000-04:00

Bush: “Scotty Couldn’t Handle the Truth”

(Washington) Over the past five years one of President Bush’s most beloved qualities has been his unquestioned loyalty to the underlings he has appointed and who serve their country without concern for their own prosperity or their own political agendas. During his glorious reign, trusted political luminaries such as Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rice have all had their competence inexplicably questioned by the liberal mainstream media, but never by W himself. Not a day goes by when America’s Greatest President© doesn’t slap one of his subordinates on the back, be it the Secretary of the Interior or the (legal) Mexican guy who cleans the bathroom stall interiors outside the Oval Office, and drawl sincerely, “You’re doing a heckuva job!” The only thing Bush asks is loyalty in return.

Sadly, White House press secretary couldn’t even do that.

“As I said earlier this week, I’m the decider…and what I’ve decided is that Scott McClellan is a pussy,” asserted the President in reaction to the news that McClellan has cut and run from his post. Bush, who found McClellan as a feral orphan on his Crawford ranch and who raised him as his own son, expressed bitter disappointment over what many see as a betrayal bordering on treason. “The only thing I ever asked of Scotty was that he tell the American people the truth, but obviously he couldn’t handle the truth. Truth of the matter is I never trusted that pasty-faced college boy. I heard he might be gay. Maybe even Mexican. Hard to say.”

The President was not alone in his repudiation of “Mealy-Mouth McClellan.” Ari Fleischer, McClellan’s predecessor and one-time supporter of his protégé, denounced the defector on his morning radio show, Air Ari. “Scott McClellan’s not fit to carry my jockstrap, although he asked to on many occasions. It would be irresponsible to say that he asked to sniff it from time to time, but that option was on the table.” Fleischer ruled out a return to the podium, stating that he could serve America better from his current pulpit, the consulting firm he created without any assistance from any sitting member of Congress or current administration official.

McClellan’s cowardly departure has provided Washingtonians with their second-favorite pastime; rumor-mongering! Who will be the traitor’s replacement is the source of no shortage of speculation. Will it be someone super patriotic, or someone who merely loves America with every fiber of his being? While Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and in keeping with the all-male list of candidates, Ann Coulter all seem logical choices, some to think the President will continue to show his support for our troops by selecting a qualified military mouthpiece…someone how can handle the truth, of course!

SPURIOUS GEORGE FOCUSES ON THE FAMILY

2006-04-18T19:53:00.000-04:00

Patriotism, Like Security, Begins at Home

(Orlando) We here at Spurious George are big fans of James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and all-around Jesus-loving patriot, but we also feel compelled to point out that we’ve been focusing on the family for almost eleven years now. Way back during the dark days of the Clinton administration, our senior correspondent Rex Kramer joined in holy matrimony with the woman of his dreams with promises of fidelity, equality, and limitless America-loving! This loving union between a man and a woman (the only kind of union, labor ones included, that gets Jesus’ nod of approval) produced its’ first offspring, a girl, during the Clinton death-watch era, and thus was infused in utero with a sense of hope for what this country could accomplish under more moral leadership. A second child, also a girl, burst into this world during President Bush’s first term, and as a result knows that America must stay the course with her moral duty to bring democracy and sweet, sweet freedom to the little brown heathen whether they want it or not. A third child was conceived during our fearless and peerless leader’s second term, and is due to make his (please oh please oh please let it be a “him”) in time for the mid-term elections. We have no doubt that when little Rex Junior reaches his 18th birthday, he will accomplish two things; lead the Florida Gators to yet another national championship, and help re-elect George W. Bush to a 7th term in office!

We provide this little family portrait not to lord over you the fact that the Danger-Seeker clan loves America more than yours does (even though, let’s face it, they do,) but rather to illustrate that true patriotism is a total family effort. Could Rex fight crime all day and educate you, the patriotically retarded, without the support of the beautiful mother of his children? Would Rex Kramer have the strength to take on the liberal mainstream media if his beloved daughters demanded such things as “attention” and “food?” Is it even conceivable that America’s Greatest Patriot© would be up to the task of blaming everything on the Democrats if his unborn child showed even the slightest genetic inclination to joining their insidious organization (see interactive poll on the left sidebar)? The answers are clearly no, no, and “I’d rather he be gay.”

So you see, it is imperative, if you are to cultivate a culture of excessive patriotism (if there even is such a thing) within your own brood, that you demand that your partner and your offspring be coerced, brainwashed and/or beaten into accepting your worldview…where we come from, we call that “good husbanding and parenting.” Trust us…it’s what Jesus wants.

Rex Kramer would like to take this time to thank his family, and especially his lovely and much-loved wife of almost eleven years, for allowing him this stress-relieving screaming wall. Rex would also like to advise those who would post comments of questionable taste on this site that his lovely and much-loved wife is a hormonally-ravaged pregnant female who will, with God as her witness, hunt you down. Trust us on this one…you don’t want that.

SCIENTISTS PROVE THEY HATE AMERICA

2006-04-17T21:15:00.000-04:00

Patriotism Has No Place in the Lab

(Forty Fort, PA) As one might expect, the Jesus-hating scientific elite say they love America, but do they really? That’s a rhetorical question; of course they don’t! For example, in a recent feeble statement LabCorp of America spokesperson/Christ-denier Pam “Osama Bin” Sherry defensively announced, “I can assure you as a company we stand behind our military and military employees.*” However, despite this pathetic and half-hearted pledge of allegiance, her spitting-on-the stars and stripes scientist supervisors recently admonished an employee for…wait for it…being too patriotic!!!

Jane Rutkoski, a nurse who in her free time volunteers to tend to the wounds of our brave soldiers and counsels those raped by Democrats, was recently admonished by her LabCorp “superiors” for her interior decorating choices. According to SG’s sources, Rutkoski had the nerve to tastefully adorn her office with patriotic zeal; “offensive” knick-knacks such as the Constitution, the US flag and artwork honoring our brave men and women in uniform were prominent throughout her work space. Ordered to remove the red, white and blueness of her office or face termination, Rutkoski did the only thing any good patriot would do; she quit.

“I was brought up to respect our country and the price that was paid for it.*”

Like soldiers on the battlefield who pay the ultimate price, Rutkoski’s heroicism was downplayed by those who hate those who love our freedoms. While unavailable for comment, it is assumed that Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) would have said in reaction to Rutkoski’s martyrism, “The gall of flagrantly flaunting jingoistic paraphernalia that perpetuate the myopic erroneous view of American ethnocentrism is beyond reprehension, and completely insensitive to her apatriotic comrades.” Kerry, who eschewed his own ill-earned Purple Hearts in an act that spat in the face of all who adore purples mountains majesty as well as amber waves of grain, might have also added, “It sickens me to think that there are 11 million Mexican nationals, or as I like to call them, “pre-citizens,” in this country right now who would gladly take Ms. Rutkoski’s job and who would bring much-needed multi-ethnic viewpoints to the inferior Anglo-centric workplace.”

Patriotic Senate Republicans (redundant, we know) railed against Kerry’s complete lack of patriotic fervor and rallied to Rutkoski’s side. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, amended the bill he championed that would make flag-burning illegal to include a provision that would make flag ownership compulsory. “A flag in front of every household, or the lack thereof, would clearly demonstrate who loves their country, and who votes Democratic.” Frist, who vowed that his bill was in no way influenced by his majority stake in the Monolithic American Flag Company, further promised that, if elected President, would make mandatory the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance before every scientific experiment. “Maybe then those who would claim that we descended from the south-end of a northbound red-assed baboon would think twice before bad-mouthing their country!”

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

RUMMY FIGHTS BACK!

2006-04-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

Sec of Defense Far From Defenseless

(Washington) As Dick Cheney recently proved, not even a shotgun blast to the face can keep a good conservative down for long. Inspired by the Vice President’s tragic ordeal, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, recently the target of the ill-conceived criticisms of a handful of bitter, partisan retired military “leaders,” has refused to allow their verbal bullets to distract him from his solemn, patriotic duty. “Fuck ‘em all,” offered the DefSec to his enemies, using a colorful Sicilian colloquialism he recently learned from Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. “Last time I checked, soldiers, even those with stars on their collars that their daddies bought for them, work for me. Can the fry guy fire the manager at McDonalds? Hell no!” For effect at his Pentagon press conference, Rumsfeld grabbed the closest man in uniform and beat him senseless, “just to show these pricks who’s boss!”

A man as virile as the Defense Secretary hardly needs anyone to defend him, but that’s exactly what a Coalition of Willing Friends have stepped up to do. President Bush, like Rumsfeld a combat veteran, has expressed full support for his brother-in-arms. “Earlier today I spoke with Don Rumsfeld about ongoing military operations in the Global War on Terror®. I reiterated my strong support for his leadership during this historic and challenging time for our nation.*” The President went on to note that Rumsfeld has served this country under three of the four greatest presidents of all time, and will without doubt make Jeb Bush a fine Pentagon chief during the upcoming “War on Terror, Part II.”

Speaking from the grave, another President under whom Rumsfeld made ingenious and bold decisions heaped praise upon his former aide. “Rummy is tough enough. He’s a ruthless little bastard,*” said Richard Nixon of Rumsfeld’s legendary ability to stay the course when the going got tough, when the rejectionists whined, or when tapes needed to be erased. “Sure, he’s a cocky little twat, but let me tell you, if you put him in a room full of retired generals armed with nothing but that creepy grin of his, I can assure you by the end of the day those generals would either be singing his praises or prying Rummy’s boot out of their asses.” Nixon went on to say “it’s really hot in here,” and “sitting in a boiling cauldron of my own feces for all eternity” is still infinitely preferable to cutting and running in Vietnam/Iraq.

As for the retired senior military officers who have inexplicably bad-mouthed their former boss, the vast majority of more-patriotic veterans have denounced their actions, which they believe only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy…Democrats! Rear Admiral Roy Hoffman (USN-Ret) called the generals’ acts “despicable and blatantly political.” Hoffman, founder of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group that saved this nation from a John Kerry presidency, was offended that any senior officer would use his status to affect the political process. “I took an oath to defend the Constitution, even if it is just a piece of paper, and not the hippies who would have us cut and run from our obligations,” Hoffman indignantly avowed. “It makes me sea-sick to hear so-called men of honor act as mouthpieces for some political agenda! For shame!”

(*) – Indicates Actual Quote(s)

Note: We here at Spurious George wish to convey our heart-felt thanks to our loyal readers, who continue to visit here like the patriotic Pavlovian dogs that they are, despite Rex Kramer’s recent non-blog priorities. On that note, RexHeads, the Danger-Seeker Extraordinaire wishes to advise his freedom-loving lemmings that his current assignment is far from over, but that he will, whenever possible, continue to bring you the light of liberty whenever possible!

PATRIOTISM, INTERRUPTED

2006-04-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

Duty Calls, Rex Kramer Answers!

(Orlando) Patriots who regularly absorb every word of this column as if it were the word of God no doubt have noticed that Rex Kramer's daily and dead-on debunking of the liberal propaganda machine has been absent these past few days. On his behalf we apologize, although it should be noted that he has been wholly consumed, since this past Saturday night, in his daytime duties as a Danger Detective, with his most recent crusade against the forces of evil.

Fear not, RexHeads, your hero has not abandoned you! Rex assures us that the evil-doers will be brought to justice soon, and that he will soon thereafter resume his duty to you, his freedom-craving fanbase.

This Saturday at the latest. Hopefully. Maybe.

YE HAVE NOT BEEN ABANDONED!

2006-04-07T23:16:00.000-04:00

Absent SG Reporter Leaves You with Patriotic Tidbits

Ed. Note: We here at SG greatly appreciate the work Rex Kramer does for us (and America,) and appreciate it even more that he does it gratis. Thus, we understand it when, such as the past 2 days, his full-time job of Danger-Seeking Detecting interferes with his passion for spreading patriotism. Still, from the front lines Rex sent these morsels of information to keep you, his beloved Rexheads©, until his promised return tomorrow.

Hippie-tainment: Hippies tired of a day spent playing Frisbee-golf and kicking a hackie-sack can now kick back with their bongs and bags of Doritos while playing the game that is sweeping that nation’s VW buses, “From Space with Love!” Flag-burning players of this game control a flying saucer that beams up God-fearing soldiers and transforms them into…hippies!

Reptile-tainment: Are you as excited as I am about the coming release of the blockbuster “Snakes on a Plane?” Finally, a movie title than honestly describes the plot (I originally assumed “Brokeback Mountain” was the sequel to Clint Eastwood’s “Hamburger Hill.”) Until the August 18th premier date, you can get your SoaP fix at Snakes on a Blog (Samuel L. Jackson says, “Bookmark it now, motherfuc*er!”)

Bored-tainment: If SoaP is truth in advertising, the “Strip Generator” is anything but. Turns out, it has nothing to do with Pamela Anderson and everything to do with making your own online comic strip. Bastards.

Ed. Footnote: Rex gets back to the art of America-loving tomorrow with his regular post here, as well as his weekly masterpiece at The Blue Republic.

DEMOCRAT PLAYS RACE CARD

2006-04-05T20:47:00.000-04:00

Congresswoman Uses “OJ Defense” to Justify Striking Cop

(Washington) By all accounts, Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-FL) is your average Democratic member of Congress: violent, void of ideas, and disrespectful of authority. Thus it came as a surprise to no one when earlier this week she struck a Capitol Police officer (while possibly on a “crack high”) after refusing to submit to a mandatory security check, and then subsequently blame the incident on the officer’s alleged racism. McKinney, a woman of color who clearly has developed a false sense of entitlement “thanks” to ill-conceived affirmative action, refused to present her security credentials to officers who’s duty it is to protect the Capitol Building, and was temporarily denied entry. That’s when, according to credible, white male witnesses, McKinney “got up all in the officer’s faces.”

“I have never in my law-abiding career on the Hill seen a member of Congress so drunk, or more likely high, on power,” observed Tom DeLay (R-TX,) who recently announced his retirement so that he may devote more time to his efforts to feed Africa’s poor. “And the language! I can’t repeat what she said…no, seriously, I have no idea what she said. I think she was talking jive or ebonics, or whatever those people call it. Quite possibly, she was rapping. One thing for sure, it wasn’t the kind of gospel music that her people are known for.”

“That’s when she pulled the knife. I’m pretty sure she had a gun as well,” observed Tom Tancredo (R-CO,) a man in no way biased against non-white Americans. “The officer showed great restraint by not using deadly force, which clearly would have been justified.” Tancredo remarked that he vividly recalled seeing McKinney possessing a knife, as he found it odd that an African-American would have such a weapon. According to the “Defender of Denver,” cutting weapons are most often found on the persons of illegal Mexican welfare-abusers who hate our freedom and who steal American jobs.

Administration officials, always supportive of the foot soldier and patrol officer, assured the American people that the incident involving the cop-hating Democrat was in no way influenced by the Congresswoman’s race. “As a black woman raised in 1950’s Birmingham, Alabama, I never once felt that I was pre-judged because of my skin color,” truthfully asserted authority-respecting Condoleezza Rice, whom many white people respect for her ability to annunciate clearly and her disdain for racial quotas. “Thus, it is inconceivable that in contemporary America, where racism has been eliminated, that Representative McKinney could have been the ‘victim’ of racial profiling.”

Despite her soul sister’s assurances that her complaints were unfounded, McKinney’s attorneys Mark Shapiro and F. Lee Bailey today filed a motion with the court that would prohibit any punitive legal action against their client. “As we proved in California v. Simpson, ‘if you ain’t white, you can’t indict,” rapped a clearly-intoxicated and cross-dressing Bailey.

Ed. Note: Despite SG’s best efforts, those hippies at Agitprop continue to hate America. Now only half-way through their Week of Smiting©, we need your help more than ever so that those tie-dyed freaks may see the error in their ways. Won’t you stop by their site and bring them over to the light side of freedom-loving? Jesus will thank you for it!

SCIENTISTS: JESUS WAS A BIG PHONY!

2006-04-04T19:29:00.000-04:00

Miracles Questioned by Hell-Bound FSU Seminoles

(Tallahassee) Florida State University researchers, angry at God for the University of Florida’s superiority and their inability to get a date, today lashed out at the Almighty by suggesting that Jesus did not, as the Bible proved, walk on water. According to these secular scientists, it is possible that during Our Savior’s time on Earth small portions of the Sea of Gaililee may have become frozen, and thus it is theoretically possible that He may have been buoyed by floating mini-icebergs. Explained FSU blasphemer Doron Nof in an attempt to avoid the wrath of God and subsequent eternal damnation, “We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account*”

As expected and as was necessary, US Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson added his spiritual gravitas to the debate. “So these so-called learned folks would have us believe that Jesus Christ was, what? Nanook of the North?” Robertson, who recently patented a machine that turns water into wine, rejected the notion that science can explain the unknowable mind of God. “What’s next? Will they claim that Lazarus was resurrected by CPR? Will they assert that He healed the sick with the use of stem cells? Will they dare claim that the star over Bethlehem was in fact the reflection off of the Hubble Telescope? I’d call for the smiting of Tallahassee, but as any Gator can attest, that armpit was smited long ago.”

The state capitol, however, is not without its’ Jesus-lovers. Chief among them is America’s second-greatest Bush brother, Florida governor Jeb, who took time from his busy schedule dedicated to making the state’s coastlines safe for the patriotic production of domestic oil to call out those who question the Savior. “While everyone knows I’m a big FSU athletic supporter, I can not, as a Christian and an American…I know that’s redundant…stand by and let them bad-mouth He who washed away our sins.” The governor then announced that he was withholding all state funding for Florida’s most Jesus-hating university, and forwarding the earmarked money to Tom DeLay’s defense fund. “If Florida State won’t defend Jesus’ honor, the money should go to someone who will.”

Ed. Note: The efforts to bring the freedom-hating blog Agitprop back into the fold of Freedom-loving has, like the University of Florida’s basketball team, been wildly successful. However, now is not the time to let up on the pressure. We urge you, the patriotic SG reader, to post your pro-America message there daily, and assist in this blessed intervention!

CONGRESS CAN’T PAY POWER BILL

2006-04-03T18:46:00.000-04:00

Tax-and-Spend Democrats Rightfully Blamed

(Washington) The Capitol Building went dark today, and for once it was not due to one of Ted Kennedy’s hangover-induced bad moods. A suspicious power outage forced a bipartisan evacuation (although Democrats were seen cutting and running quicker than their more brave GOP counterparts,) and as a precautionary measure, the bombing of Iran.

Ed. Note: Ignore that last line…it never happened!

While the usual suspects such as al Queda, Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton were initially accused of causing the blackout, a much more sinister organization was ultimately held accountable: Democratic Congressmen. Although both houses of Congress are, mercifully, solidly in the hands of the Republican Party, in an act inspired by President Bush’s call for civility in government the opposition party was ceded responsibility for one simple duty: paying the electric bill.

Of course, they screwed that up. Typical.

“Not only do the Democrats want you to believe they can defend our country from terrorism, but they would have you believe that they are fiscally responsible,” stated an incredulous President of the Senate Dick Cheney. Cheney, whose super-powers include the ability to see in the dark, remained at his seat during the incident, while so-called warriors such as John Murtha and John Kennedy knocked over senior citizens and visiting Girl Scouts on their way out the door. “I mean, these people can’t even pay their own bills. No doubt the money that should’ve been paid to America’s patriotic power companies was wasted on marijuana and quickie abortions!”

FOCUS ON THE FREEDOM-HATING BLOG (Part 1)

2006-04-02T22:36:00.000-04:00

This Week’s Target: Agitprop!

Ed. Note: We here at Spurious George World Headquarters exist not to judge, but to educate. With that in mind, each week we will cast our judgmental-yet-educating spotlight of righteousness upon one of the more freedom-hating blogs that spread their slanderous liberal lies without fear of repercussion. In the days that follow, SG will comment daily (in a patriotic, constructive manner) at that site, as well as contact each of that site’s link…all in an effort to bring the offending blogger back to the side of America-loving! Think of it as an online intervention

(SG HQ) Enough already, Agitprop! We beg of you…stop hating America!

From your prominent display of a dead English actor to your unseemly infatuation with Bill O’Reilly’s sex life to your inexplicable failure to accept President Bush’s edicts as the Word of God, everything about you screams in falsetto, “I live to bad-mouth my country!”

Clearly, you are beyond helping yourself, so we here at SG are here to do it for you. Over the next week we, the Rex Kramer Nation (a.k.a. “Kramerica,”) will be flooding your site with superior, pro-America messages in a heroic attempt to make you see the error of your ways. In addition, we will be contacting each and every site listed in your “links” section, both hippie and pseudo-hippie alike, and urging them to, a) coerce you into adopting a more patriotic outlook on life, and, b) stop hating America themselves.

Also, I have no doubt that the millions who visit this site will join me in this Jesus-approved endeavor. Trust me, when the RexHeads are mobilized, no one (not even the combined efforts of the Iraqi rejectionists and the marginalized Democratic Party) can stand in their way!

You’ve been warned, hippie!

Ed. Footnote: Those of you who maintain other hippie-sites best not feel smug…your intervention week is coming, and nigh!

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART III

2006-04-02T10:33:00.000-04:00

Ed. Note: Once again, Rex Kramer brings your attention to stories that may have eluded your (but never his) attention in this semi-weekly, somewhat accurate installment of “Patriotic Potpourri.”

Colorado Hates America!

(Longmont, CO) Has the entire state become a bad South Park episode? Principal Tom Stumph of Skyline High School recently banned the display of the American flag on the campus, thus becoming the most prominent America-hater in a state long known for its’ hippie-leanings. Misinterpreting the actions of some red-blooded students who heroically waved the flag in his hippie presence, Stumph explained his actions thusly: “They were using the symbol derisively as misguided patriotism.”

Spare us, Comrade Stumph-sky. As every regular Spurious George reader knows, there is never anything misguided about patriotism…as long as it’s American patriotism, of course!

Minnesota Hates America!

(St. Paul) Once again, the state that forced upon us Hubert Humphrey, Walter Mondale and most recently and egregiously, Al Franken, has spat in the face of everything this country stands for. As everyone knows, this country was founded on tobacco (and oil, but that’s a story for another day,) and thus any opposition to the continued prosperity of America’s cottage nicotine industry is as un-American as banning the flag. Thus, it came as no great surprise when a Minnesota legislating-from-the-bench judge restricted the rights of law-abiding citizens when he banned smoking inside private businesses. Commented freedom-hater and author of the bill upon which the judge ruled David Thune, “It’s a great day for public health!”

But is it a great day for freedom, Mr. Thune? We think not. Besides, since when has it been proven that smoking cool, refreshing cigarettes has any effect on public health? Scanning the authoritative study on all things (aka “the Holy Bible,”) I see no mention of this. Why do you hate the Bible, Minnesota?

Massachusetts Hates America!

(Boston) Despite being proven time and time again that they hate America, Ted Kennedy and John Kerry continue to represent the most out-of-the-mainstream state in the US Senate. Seriously, what does Massachusetts have to do to get smited?

SG HOSTS “HARRIS-PALOOZA!”

2006-04-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

Freedom-Loving Fundraiser Benefits Katherine’s Campaign

(Kissimmee, FL) Always supportive of any candidate who is both challenging a sitting Democrat and smoking hot, Spurious George today hosted a wildly-successful fundraiser for comely Congresswoman Katherine Harris in support of her assault on hippie Senator Bill Nelson (D-FL.) Although all indications are that Harris’ campaign is going as well as can be expected, a little completely-legal cash infusion never hurt; in this case, a “little cash” was a nice but not gaudy sum of $10,000,000, or roughly the amount of taxpayer dollars spent every 43 minutes in Iraq (thus, not that much.)

The corporate-sponsored grass-roots “Harris-Palooza” was held inside Kissimmee’s Silver Spurs Arena instead of Disney’s Grand Floridian Hotel after it was learned that Disney not only tolerates the gay lifestyle, it requires it of all employees. Attended by the common man who could afford the $10,000 per plate minimum donation, Osceola County’s social event of the year provided entertainment by the country’s top patriotic acts (Lee Greenwood brought many in the crowd to tears,) cuisine crafted to suit the rural conservative taste (the armadillo pate’ was to die for,) and inspiring speeches from some of the nation’s top America-lovers (Ann Coulter brought the barn down with her impression of Russ Feingold.) Judging from the comments of those in attendance, this was the biggest thing to happen in Central Florida since neo-Nazis marched through Orlando’s predominantly-black Parramore district.

“Wow, what a bash!” Gushed Orlando’s own Senator Mel Martinez, who as a man of Hispanic heritage, identifies with Harris’ minority status as a rich, white female. “Everything looked great, especially Kathy. I mean, did you see those yammies she has now? Those alone should be worth at least 2 points in the polls.”

Indeed, Harris’ perky breasts were on the tip of the tongues of many of her admirers in the crowd. “I had heard that her campaign was in trouble, but honestly I can’t see how she doesn’t get more support with sweater puppies like those,” gushed a slightly-tipsy Bill O’Reilly who may have imbibed more than his share of the fresh moonshine that flowed from the show’s many open bars. “Does Bill Nelson have hooters like those? I think not! Anyone who doesn’t vote for Katherine Harris is completely gay, and probably doesn’t like loofahs either!”

Clearly, the highlight of the day was Harris’ appearance. After mumbling something about “America” and “Democratic pansies,” she titillated the crowd with a engrossing strip/pole dance, during which she collected approximately 50% of the fundraiser’s donations (it is unknown how much was donated during the subsequent lap dances, but we’re certain that Katherine will dutifully report it to the FEC and IRS in a timely fashion.)

Ed. Note: We here at SG realize that we’ve recently dedicated a lot of space on this site to Congresswoman Harris’ senatorial campaign, but we feel it is in the greatest interest of this country’s future to see her elected to that august body. Besides (and speaking of bodies,) have you seen her boobies?!? Breathtaking!!!

REX KRAMER FOUND!

2006-04-01T08:13:00.000-05:00

Reporter Napping, Not Kidnapped

(Kramerica World HQ) A much-relieved SG senior editor Pat Robertson this morning announced that patriot-without-peer Rex Kramer has been found alive and well-rested. As the search for America's primary freedom-lover was initially conducted by officials left over from the Clinton administration, they ineptly failed to look under his desk, where an exhausted Kramer (exhausted by his efforts to bring decency to the hippie horde) was merely enjoying a well-earned nap.

"Praise be to Jesus, Rex is just fine, and ready to resume his preaching to the patriotism-deficient," testified Robertson. "He has confided in me that he'll resume his rightful place at the SG Bully Pulpit later this evening, but in the meantime he urges all repentent hippies to seek the truth at The Blue Republic."

REX KRAMER KIDNAPPED?

2006-03-31T20:01:00.000-05:00

Missing Reporter Described as Tall, Dark and Patriotic

(Orlando) In a brief press conference, Spurious George senior editor Robert Bork today announced the words that no American wants to hear: Rex Kramer is missing.

Last seen in his office applying white liquid paper to the Constitution’s 22nd Amendment late into the evening, Rex failed to show up for work for the first time since the first Bush administration. Theories abound as to his current whereabouts; some believe he re-enlisted and is currently kicking rejectionist ass in Iraq, while others are certain he has rushed to the aid of Katherine Harris’ senatorial campaign. While it is possible he is standing guard on the Rio Grande against the Mexican horde, many are convinced (and rightly so) that God needed a patriotic angel, and summoned him to heaven to head up a divine think tank/lobbying firm.

In any event, the sole clue to his fate is a letter penned in red ink upon white paper and stuffed in a white envelope that was found on his desk among his many personal mementos donated by every Republican president since Ike. In it, Rex cryptically explains that he is taking a break for the purpose of “traveling the blogosphere, and bringing America-loving to the unwashed hippie masses.”

Law enforcement authorities and grammar geeks contend that “blogosphere” is not a real place or word, and that its’ inclusion in Kramer’s correspondence indicates that he is possibly being held against his will. While no ransom demands have been received, it is expected that the brutal hippies that lurk amongst us will demand legalized marijuana and an endless supply of Doritos.

LOW-TECH VOTING FAILS AGAIN

2006-03-30T21:49:00.000-05:00

Diebold, Other E-Ballot Firms Vindicated

(Palm Beach, FL) Political wonks may recall that way back in 2000, then-candidate George W Bush’s landslide victory over über-hippie Al Gore was held by voters in the liberal bastion of Palm Beach County (Florida,) who, as products of a failing public education system, couldn’t comprehend a simple paper ballot. Despite the outcome of the election being a foregone conclusion, billions of dollars in taxpayer money (most of it obtained from over-taxed corporations) was wasted in re-counting the few disputed ballots, and the conspiracy-addicted mainstream media whined incessantly and slanderously about how the election was “fixed.” If anything was fixed, it was the outdated vote tabulation systems employed throughout the country, and who fixed it? Republicans, of course, with the patriotic assistance of the party’s (and America’s) corporate partners. Diebold’s paperless (and thus environmentally-friendly) voting systems were disseminated nationwide, and as a result, elections everywhere since have been 100% accurate and without controversy.

Except, of course, in Palm Beach County. Will the hippies there ever learn?

In a Magnolia Park’s run-off election, the electronic (and thus vastly superior) voting machines performed, like the Bush administration, flawlessly. However, absentee ballots manually tabulated in another election were mistakenly added to a Magnolia Park candidate, and the actual loser was initially named the winner. In addition, several provisional ballots were misplaced, and the thousands of absentee votes cast by the 109 citizen hamlet’s military sons and daughters may have been intercepted and subsequently smoked by Al Gore.

“What a debacle! Never in my life have I seen such a violation of the sanctity of the vote,” announced Congresswoman and former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, under whom the state’s elections have always been beyond reproach. Harris, who happens to be the prohibitive favorite to unseat unpopular Senator Bill Nelson in 2006, pledged that if elected, she would champion the mandatory utilization of infallible electronic voting machines throughout the US. “As we have learned yet again in Palm Beach County, voters can not be trusted with something as important as an election. Well, at least not Democrat voters. Paper ballots? Hand-fed ballots? Is this the Middle Ages? I’m not investing $10 million of my dead daddy’s money in my campaign just so some old Jewish hag in South Florida can mistakenly vote for the inferior candidate.” Harris further stated that she became convinced that technology was the answer to all of the nation’s problem when her Diebold© Mirror Mirror On the Wall 2000 told her that not only was she the “fairest of them all,” but also that Bill Nelson is gay and, possibly, a pedophile.

S. CAROLINA OKs EXECUTION OF CHILD RAPISTS

2006-03-29T21:02:00.000-05:00

Democrats Expected to Side with Pedophile Lobby

(Columbia, SC) Emboldened by South Dakota’s new law that had banned abortion in all cases not involving illegal aliens, South Carolina’s state senate today passed a measure designed to protect the lives of children already born. The patriotic, pro-life legislative body that had in the past heroically voted to keep the Confederate “stars and bars” flying over the capitol and honor demolition derby as the state’s cultural symbol, made Jesus love them even more by approving making child rapists eligible for the death penalty. “Criminals who rape children don’t belong on Earth*,” stated the bill’s sponsor, State Senator Jake Knotts. “Only Democrats would think otherwise.”

This is not the first time Senator Knotts has taken a brave stance on a politically delicate issue. On September 12, 2001 Knotts, then the sole Republican in entire historically-Democratic state, made national news when he characterized the attacks on the World Trade Center as “bad” and that the perpetrators should be “punished.” On the eve of the US liberation of Iraq, Knotts broke with the liberal South Carolina majority when he opined that “we should support our troops.” Recently, he advocated the radical idea that “it would be great” if people stopped burning the American flag.

“Jake Knotts, like all Republicans, in not afraid of supporting an unpopular but necessary agenda,” testified GOP national chairman Ken Mehlman. “Bold ideas, such as cutting taxes, are what our party’s all about. ‘No ideas’ are what the opposition is all about. Why, I have no doubt that they’ll also say that they’re against the raping of children, now that Senator Knotts has already bravely championed the notion.”

As if on cue, prominent Democrats rushed to announce that they too have always opposed the sexual assault of defenseless minors. “Of course crimes such as these disgust us, but the answer is not expanding the death penalty, but rather giving what the offender really needs…a big hug and, maybe, a slap on the wrist,” weakly offered Democratic Party chairman Howard “Pro-Pedophilia” Dean. “Will killing Juan Q. Rapist restore little Sally’s dignity? No, no it won’t. Sure, it’s easy to take her side of the story, but does anyone consider the feelings of Juan?”

While more liberal Supreme Courts have inexplicably rejected the Constitutionality of executing sex offenders, supporters of the bill feel confident that the more patriotic and Jesus-loving Roberts court will see fit to rightfully expand the number of crimes in which the criminal is eligible for the death penalty. Remarked legal scholar and preserver of presidential dignity Kenneth Starr, “I, for one, would make perjury regarding the receiving of oral sex from interns punishable by the electric chair. No, no, make that the iron maiden. Yeah, that’d rock!”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

CLINTON TO STOP SPREADING AIDS

2006-03-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

Ex-Prez Favors Mandatory Test for Fellow Deviants

(London) For whatever his word is worth, former President Bill Clinton today announced a multi-pronged plan for curbing the spread of the HIV virus in third-world areas such as Africa, Asia and Arkansas. As is typical with any “do-good” program proposed by liberals that caters to their shiftless unemployed base, the philanderer-in-chief’s plan would promote immorality, slash the profits of America’s most patriotic pharmaceutical companies, and cost the average taxpayer gazillions of dollars.

Clinton, his voice ravaged by the double-whammy of syphilis and oral herpes, ranting to semi-curious passersby while atop a soapbox set up at Hyde Park’s infamous Speaker’s Corner, called for mandatory HIV testing for communities with infection rates higher than 5%, a cut in cost for both HIV tests and anti-retroviral drugs, as well as sex education for children as young as a fetus. Critics contend (and rightfully so) that Clinton conveniently omitted the most logical ay to reduce, or even eliminate, the world’s AIDS cases.

“You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down,*” illuminated former Education Secretary William Bennett. “Applying that sound logic, if every homosexual in the world were to somehow vanish, I am convinced the AIDS rate would be zero.” When asked if merely aborting every homosexual baby would solve the problem, Bennett paternally explained that this scenario, while theoretically appealing, was impossible for several reasons. “First, abortion is murder, and murder is wrong. Second, as homosexuality is something learned from other homosexuals and not an inherited trait, it would be impossible to identify the deviants in utero.” Bennett did not advocate genocide (or more specifically, “mass homocide,”) but rather put forth his own humane and less costly plan to combat to gay pandemic.

“I propose that we make the homosexual more identifiable, possibly via coarse striped uniform with, oh I don’t know, a pink triangle prominently affixed.” (Note: In an unrelated event, a Heritage Foundation study recently revealed that this is the favored attire for most homosexuals.) While making the alternatively-lifestyled population stand out among normal, Jesus-loving Americans would help potential gay recruits avoid their sick treachery, Bennett admitted that it would also assist the same-sex sickos find their own kind. “Thus, we must contain them in some sort of camp where they can concentrate on their sins, as well as commit their unnatural acts on each other without risk of infecting the rest of us.”

Among potential sites for this camp is the entire African kingdom of Lesotho, where 27% of the population is HIV-positive, and which has yet to contribute anything to the War on Terror©. “Coincidentally,” remarked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, “27% of that backward nation lays down with men, while the other 73% are Jesus-fearing Christians. Thus, I have it on the highest authority that only 27% of the people will be smited.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote. No, Seriously.

TANCREDO TOSSES SOMBRERO INTO RING

2006-03-27T17:35:00.000-05:00

GOP Congressman to Make White House “White Again”

(Denver) Accurately describing the 11 million immigrants in the US “a scourge that threatens the very future of our nation,*” Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) announced that if his party’s presidential candidates don’t call for the immediate deportation of these freeloaders, he himself would seek the nomination. Asked if he believed he was a legitimate contender, Tancedo stated, “Why not? Last time I checked, illegal aliens can’t vote in this country…at least until, God forbid, the Democrats take power.”

Tancredo, darling of the patriotically-named Minuteman Project, represents the border state of Colorado (New Mexico is now almost completely in enemy hands,) a land vulnerable to attack at any moment. “They willingly ceded Colorado to the US following the liberation of Texas, but, being shifty Indian-givers, they now want it back,” alleged the Defender of Denver. “Thanks to our current porous immigration policy, sleeper agents have been filtering into my state for 150 years now. When they wake up from their siesta, everyone, even Republicans, will forget all about 9/11.”

The level-headed Tancredo underscored his concern for America’s future by championing a bill that would remove 4 stars from the US flag. “Texas, New Mexico and Arizona are already behind enemy lines, and after what we saw this weekend it appears that despite the governor’s best efforts, California has joined the ranks of North Mexico.” While the bill faces stiff opposition from liberal unionized workers in the illegal immigrant-powered flag industry, it served to open debate regarding Tancredo’s double-pronged plan for stemming the immigrant flow; a pre-emptive war on Mexico and construction of a “Great Wall of America” across the southern border.

“Not just any old wall, but one visible from space and surrounded by a flaming moat of imported oil,” suggested Tancredo, who often doodles sketches of such a construction when Congress is in session and Democrats have the floor. “It would be guarded by armed men, no, better yet, fire-breathing dragons! Yeah, that’d be cool! Anyway, while the cost of such a project may be a concern to some, I can assure you that profits made from the increased flow of oil in Iraq will more than pay for this necessary and patriotic endeavor.”

In an unrelated event, Halliburton’s Mythical Creature subsidiary announced that it is the only firm capable of delivering the vast numbers of fire-breathing dragons necessary for protecting our nation’s women and children from the Spanish-speaking horde. In anticipation of a well-deserved no-bid contract, the company recently increased production of the fearsome animals at its’ Tijuana facility.

* - Indicates actual quote

THE JOY OF REX (PART 1 OF A SERIES)

2006-03-26T23:16:00.000-05:00

SG’s Celebrity Reporter Opens Up Without a Court Order

Ed. Note: Spurious George’s Rex Kramer made his internationally-acclaimed name by reporting the news, not making it. However, ever since being named to the Topeka, Kansas edition of People Magazine’s list of “50 Sexiest Conservatives Alive,” we here at SG have been besieged with requests for access to the super-secretive scribe. Humble as he is patriotic, Rex refused to draw the spotlight to himself, but finally agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview on the condition that a few requests were met. Specifically, the interview room had to be set to precisely 68 degrees, Rex had to be allowed to wear his favorite “Choose Life” t-shirt from the 1985 Wham! Tour, and the interview be conducted by this generation’s second-greatest journalist, Bill O’Reilly. His demands met, Rex sat down with O’Reilly in the George W. Bush suite in New York’s Waldorf-Astoria; what follows is the transcript from the first part of this historic exchange.

O’REILLY: “Wow, Rex Kramer! How long has it been, you old dog?”

KRAMER: “Too long, Bill, too long. Last time I saw you, you were single-handedly taking out that VC machine-gun nest outside Ka-Sahn. I owe you my life, my friend. By the way, belated congratulations on that Medal of Honor.”

O’REILLY: “Thanks, Rex, but I was only doing my duty to God and country. Speaking of awards, ‘Sexiest Conservative Alive?’ How’s that going over with Mrs. Danger-Seeker?”

KRAMER: “Honestly, I think she’s finally beginning to comprehend how lucky she is to have me. I mean, we’re talking about an honor that has previously been bestowed on such heartthrobs as Bob Dole, Pat Robertson and Robert Bork, and you know the kind of female groupies that follow those virile men around. I mean…wait…I’m getting a text message from Katherine Harris.”

O’REILLY: “Wow, ‘Kinky Kathy?’ Did you see her re-built yammies on Hannity and Colms the other night? My little soldier was at attention, if you know what I-“

KRAMER: (Reading text message) “I’d give $10 million to…wow! I didn’t know Republican chicks knew how to do that!”

O’REILLY: “Rex, you brought up Judge Bork’s name. You yourself have always been a strictly-interpreting, law and order kind of guy, and also one who favors freaky beards. How’s that working out for you?”

KRAMER: “Well Bill, I do my part as a humble police detective to keep the streets safe for law-abiding Christian folks. Sure, the pay’s terrible and the hours are long, but I feel that considering all that America’s given to me, I should at least-“

O’REILLY: “Whoa, whoa, Rex, I have to cut you off there. Humble police detective? In the days following 9/11, did you not save America from additional attacks?”

KRAMER: “Bill, you know I can’t talk about that, but yes, yes I did. If it weren’t for patriots such as myself, Islamic women might still be able to cover their faces on Florida’s driver’s licenses. I don’t like to be called a hero, but if you feel the need, by all means do so.”

O’REILLY: “I do so. Speaking of being worthy of worship, you have impregnated your wife three times now, and have yet to demand that she seek an abortion. Has the Catholic Church yet seen fit to nominate you for sainthood?”

KRAMER: “Sadly, no., and as someone who once studied to be a priest, you might be able to help me with that, Bill! Seriously, I have two lovely daughters who I call exhibit A and B in the ongoing case against baby-murder (note: these are their actual names.) A third child is on the way, and unless that child’s not mine, there’s no way I’d let wife play God with her own body. Not that God would ever kill a baby, of course.”

O’REILLY: “Of course not. Rex, America wants to know; if sainthood isn’t in the cards, what are your future plans?”

KRAMER: “You mean besides continuing to love America? I haven’t ruled out a future in politics, Bill. With Tom DeLay facing inexplicable ouster, the Republican Party needs another moral icon to see it through the next 1000 years of domination. However, let’s be honest, the pay sucks in government. No, I’m holding out for that coveted spot as a political pundit for Fox News. I’ve sent my resume to Rupert, so I expect I’ll be getting that call any day now. Hopefully. Because, you know, I could really use the money.”

Look for Part 2 of this ground-breaking interview sometime in the not-to-distant future. Maybe. We’ll see.

Ed. Note: Actual facts appear in black bold.

EVIL EMPIRE REJOINS AXIS OF EVIL

2006-03-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

Russkies Gave Aid and Comfort to Saddam

(Washington) Due to the brilliant foreign policy carried out by the Bush administration, America was increasingly in danger of running out of enemies; that is, until an old one returned to fill the void. In an announcement yesterday at the Pentagon, US officials surprised no one who’s been paying attention by reminding patriots everywhere that Russia still hates our freedom. Specifically, Brigadier General Anthony Cucolo, who despite his ethnic name loves America more than any Democrat, revealed that a commie spy within the ranks (possibly Russ Feingold) provided military intelligence to Saddam Hussein during the exciting run-up to Operation Enduring Ass-Kicking©. “This act of cowardice is even more disgusting than the time I caught Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno making out in the War Room,” spat General Cucolo.

Citing national security concerns, Pentagon officials wouldn’t reveal exactly how the sensitive information was passed from Bolshevik to Baathist, but did indicate that the treachery was made possible by lax security measures left over from the Clinton administration. “When you get right down to it, Bill Clinton did it,” accurately asserted the apolitical general.

Focus now turns to identifying which freedom-hating hippie betrayed their country for a few pieces of silver rubles. “Personally, I’d take a long, hard look at the few bad apples among our troops,” opined Medal of Honor recipient Bill O’Reilly. “Can Michael Smith account for his whereabouts during this treasonous act? Does anyone know if Lynndie England was busy smoking and pointing at male genitalia when this was going down? I’m putting Fox Security on this case!”

“This could have all been avoided if we had never disbanded the House Un-American Activities Committee,” truthfully snorted ultra-patriot Sean Hannity. Hannity, a direct descendant of American hero Joseph McCarthy, reasonably believes it’s time for the application of a nation-wide filter of freedom-loving. “If science is all it’s cracked up to be, why can’t it come up with some kind of machine that can discern who loves America and who’s a liberal?”

In a completely unrelated event, a subsidiary of America’s favorite corporation Halliburton revealed the beta version of the “Patriotism Predictor 2000,” an infallible device designed to divine the level of a voter-aged subject’s loyalty. In cooperation with the good people at Diebold, these marvels of technology will be used to screen potential voters in the coming elections, as well as prospective patriots at the nation’s military recruiter’s offices.

This announcement was hailed by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfled, who became the first subject to submit to the test (and score a perfect 100%.) “While it’s true that you go to war with the army you have and not the army you wish you had, now we can at least go to war with the army that won’t sell us out to the commies.”

GOD LOVES RED-STATE BASKETBALL

2006-03-25T08:18:00.000-05:00

Florida, Texas Other Jesus-Loving Schools Advance

(Minneapolis) Last night the University of Florida Gators' men's basketball team defended Jesus' honor against the ultra-blue Georgetown (Washington, DC) Hoyas to advance in the NCAA tournament. More importantly, our intrepid reporter Rex Kramer enjoyed a rejuvenating night's sleep, and will return to spread the truth of conservatism later today!

In the meantime, why not stop by The Blue Republic and learn why you should be afraid, be very afraid...always!

TOO POOPED TO PREACH

2006-03-24T22:22:00.000-05:00

Rex Kramer Lets America Fend for Itself

(Orlando) After a 13-hour day of fighting for justice on the mean streets of Central Florida, Rex Kramer has had enough danger-seeking for one day. Thus, he will let freedom defend itself tonight while he watches his alma mater play in the NCAA men's basketball tournament (GO GATORS!)

WANT TO BE GOVERNOR? BETTER LOVE JESUS!

2006-03-23T21:42:00.000-05:00

FL Candidates Compete for the Savior’s Favor

(Tallahassee) Although Jeb Bush was by far the greatest governor Florida has ever known, some (but no one on the Spurious George editorial staff) have questioned his complete dedication to Christian ideals. After all, homosexuals have been allowed to appear in public under his watch, and the Democratic Party has yet to be banned. Restricted by unconstitutional term limits, Bush will unfortunately be unable to fulfill his faith-based agenda…and this makes the Baby Jesus weep a little. However, Floridians who reject the blasphemous notion that they are descendants of a red-assed baboon have reason to rejoice, as those who would replace (if that were even possible) the governor have pledged to put a smile back on the Savior’s face!

Launching the first salvo in the Holy War for the Lord’s Approval was Attorney General Charlie Crist, who announced that he would, as governor, sign a South Dakota-like bill banning all forms of abortion. However, Crist, one consonant short of being the nation’s most Jesus-like statesman, later lost some points with the faithful when he specified that his version of the law would include exclusions for “victims” of rape and incest. “Hey, I love Jesus as much as anyone, and much more so than my opponent,” pled Crist. “But how can I serve Him if I’m not in office? While everyone in my state opposes abortion with every fiber of their Christian being, one can not risk alienate those who only mostly love Jesus.”

“Why doesn’t he just spit on the Virgin Mary?” asked fellow Republican Tom Gallagher, who many feel is building an impressive gubernatorial campaign on the rock that is Our Lord. “If we had a bill like South Dakota's and it came through the Legislature, I would sign it. No clarification needed*,” Gallagher bravely promised to an adoring gathering of white males in their 60’s.

From his office at the newly-created Department of Church and State (under which FEMA now falls,) Secretary Pat Robertson praised both candidates, and strongly hinted that both Jesus and His favorite son, President Bush, are pleased with their loyalty to a moral cause. “Jesus has spoken to me, and he whispereth in my ear that if the good, decent people of Florida elect either Brother Crist or Brother Gallagher, the Sunshine State shall not be smited this hurricane season! Praise him!”

As expected, the fringe Democratic candidates flaunted their hatred of Christ for all to see. “Politicians should stay out of the difficult, personal decisions about life and death that Floridians and their families face every day. It was wrong when our state leaders played politics in the tragic life of Terri Schiavo and it's still wrong,*” blasphemed cutting and running Congressman Jim Davis. Added baby-killing state senator Rod Smith, “I see nothing right now that tells me that we need to make changes to the existing body of law in this state.*” Fortunately, registered Republicans outnumber amoral Democrats 666 to 1 in the state, and thus Davis and Smith have as much of a chance of succeeding Governor Bush as Rush Limbaugh does for ever being wrong.

Somewhere, Baby Jesus is smiling.

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

NEW FACE OF DEM. PARTY: CRIPPLES!

2006-03-22T21:42:00.000-05:00

Minority Party Exploits the Handicapped

(Chicago) Somewhere, former Senator Max Cleland (D-GA) is smiling (while still pretending to be a disabled veteran.)

Reaching a new low, the Democratic Party recruited a minority female who was allegedly injured in combat to run for the Congressional seat vacated by Republican hero Henry Hyde, then supported her campaign with illegal donations from disgraced liberal lobbyist Jack Abramoff. The result was predictable: hippie voters in über-liberal Illinois elected “multiple-amputee” L. Tammy Duckworth to be the out-of-the-mainstream’s nominee to represent the 6th District in November’s mid-term election.

Republicans patriotically reacted with justified disgust. “My God! Have these people no shame?” rhetorically asked Karl Rove, moral compass of the GOP. “Our party would never stoop to exploiting the war wounds of veterans for political gain! What next? Will their TV ads carry the America-hating images of flag-draped coffins?”

Unfortunately, this is not the first time the “party of no ideas” has propped up a cripple supposedly injured in battle to further their traitorous agenda. In 1996 the mainstream media assisted in duping the otherwise patriotic voters of Georgia into electing Max Cleland, a man so shameless he blew off both legs and one arms in a pathetic attempt to “earn” military credibility, to the US Senate. Thankfully six years later Cleland was exposed as a fraud (seriously…who picks up a grenade) by truth-seeker Saxby Chambliss, who ultimately returned dignity to Georgia’s Congressional delegation with his 2002 defeat of Cleland.

Even more despicable, the Democrats once foisted Bob Kerrey (D-NE,) a distant cousin and ideological brother of fellow faux-veteran John Kerry, upon the American public as a legitimate presidential candidate. Kerrey, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor thanks to Kennedy-like family connections for wounds allegedly suffered in Vietnam, was exposed as a fraud prior to the pivotal 2000 elections (in which a REAL American hero was elected,) and subsequently retired in shame from the Senate.

Of course, everyone knows that the Democrats’ pathetic abuse of the handicapped began in 1936, when party media consultants highlighted FDR’s so-called polio as evidence that he was a man adept at overcoming adversity, and thus the right person to lift America out of the liberal-caused Great Depression. This hiccup in history resulted in the US entering an unprovoked war with Germany, a lesson seemingly lost on today’s generation of America-hating leftists.

Duckworth, who could become the first crippled Thai-American female who hates her country to be elected to Congress, refused to pledge that she would not support an invasion of Germany, one of our most steadfast allies in the War on Terror©.

RED-BLOODED SCHOOL BOYS REJOICE!

2006-03-21T20:22:00.000-05:00

Lafave Guilty Only of “Being Too Hot”

(Marion Co, FL) As anyone in the mainstream will attest, ‘child molestation,’ strictly interpreted, is defined as any disgusting sexual offense committed against a defenseless little girl by a twisted, sub-human adult male who was paroled under the Clinton administration. Fortunately, prosecutors in Florida do not legislate from in front of the bench, and thus agreed with this precedent when they dropped charges against teacher Debra Lafave for the so-called crime of having consensual sex with an underage male student.

Lafave’s redemption was hailed throughout the state as an indication that, maybe, not all courts hate America. “No one that pretty should ever go to prison,” reasonably claimed Governor Jeb Bush, who has kept true to his beliefs by only sending ugly men to Florida’s death row. “I mean, look at my lovely daughter Noelle. Had partisan prosecutors followed through with their trumped-up charges against her, she might very well be someone’s very attractive prison girlfriend.” The future president’s daughter has since gone onto a fabulously-successful career as a drug-free supermodel under the nom de plum “Kate Moss.”

“Oh my, the hot little number deserves jail about as much as Florida deserves six more years of disservice by Senator Bill Nelson,” commented Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL,) herself a former Miss Florida and someone many’a schoolboy dreams of nailing. Harris, who knows the wisdom of “shake ‘em if you got ‘em,” hopes Lafave’s ordeal sends a strong message to the nation’s law enforcement officers. “Just because someone’s white and beautiful doesn’t mean they’re a criminal. Look at me; I’m white and beautiful, and I’ve never committed a crime…certainly not anything involving taking illegal campaign contributions, if that’s what you’re inferring!”

As for Lafave, her justified release means that she will not have to adhere to municipal ordinances sweeping the state that limit where convicted sex offenders may reside. The Orlando-based Nickelodeon Network took advantage of this development by announcing a :”Live with Lafave” contest, in which one lucky pre-teen boy will win a one-week stay with the Teutonic teacher at a Hedonism Resort. In addition, the Fox Network immediately obtained the rights to Lafave’s story, tentatively titled, “Hot for Teacher: Desire in Detention.” While no casting news was announced, Pamela Anderson is rumored to be the favorite for the lead role (with a cameo by Mary Kay Letourneau!)

Debra Lafave could not be reached for comment, but let’s be honest…someone that hot doesn’t have to talk.

SPEECHES, NOT BULLETS, WILL WIN IRAQ

2006-03-20T13:30:00.000-05:00

Study: Victory Depends on More Patriotic Addresses

(Washington) According to the results of a study conducted by the nonpartisan Heritage Foundation any minor setbacks suffered by the US in our glorious liberation of Iraq were not the cause of poor planning or unexpected resistance, but rather the inability of the non-Republican American to grasp how vital our mission is. Always open to advice from outsiders, the White House has embraced this finding, and as always, has formulated a plan to address this oversight that will, of course, be flawlessly executed. The plan? More speeches! Not just any speeches, of course, but addresses crafted and spoken by America’s greatest orator, President Bush.

In advance of the President’s historic Monday address, White House spokesman Scott McClellan educated the hippies of the press corps as to why the President must constantly remind the American people that all is going according to plan in Iraq. “Oftentimes the progress that is being made doesn't get as much attention as the dramatic and horrific images of violence that people see on their TV screens.*” To counter this liberal bias in the media, President Bush will (as is his Constitutional right) commandeer the nation’s airwaves for government-approved broadcasts until further notice. In an unrelated event, Fox reported a 135-fold increase in its’ stock, and announced that it will soon hire another 5,000 patriotic journalists to meet the demand for fair-and-balanced news about our imminent victory over the freedom-haters.

On Sunday, the President offered a glimpse into the meat and potatoes of his planned addresses. The themes will include, ‘There is No Civil War,’ ‘Did You Not See the Purple Fingers?’ and ‘Look at this Shiny Object.’ (Ed. Note: The last of these themes is currently being developed as a fall Fox Network reality show.) While the President declined to provide specifics, he did indicate that his speeches will make prominent and exciting new use of the words freedom, America, Islamo-fascism, victory, and ‘troops.’ The last term will have the greatest emphasis, as liberals will be asked once and for all to stop hating them.

“Sure, everything’s going swell in Iraq, but this is no time to rest on our laurels,” accurately assessed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “I applaud the President taking on the thankless task of educating the hippies about our successes over there. Who knows? With that silver tongue of his, he might even convince a few to enlist. Not that we need more troops, of course.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

Ed. Note: The President’s speech can (no, make that “must’) be seen today on every channel on the dial, including the premium channels (a re-broadcast will be available during every scheduled airing of Bill Maher’s show.)

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART DEUX

2006-03-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

Tasty Morsels of Freedom-Loving for a Lazy Sunday

Ed Note: In this quasi-regular, semi-weekly feature, award-winning* journalist Rex Kramer updates you, the patriotic consumer, on the stories worthy of mention, but not important enough to merit their own column. In other words, the “red-headed stepchildren of news.”

US Declares “War on Pirates©”

Swashbuckling Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld this week announced the launch of “Operation Shiver Me Timbers,” designed to scuttle the rising tide of international piracy. The operation began in shocking and awesome fashion when a US Navy guided missile cruiser and guided missile destroyer guided a ship bearing the Jolly Roger to the bottom of Davey Jones’ locker. “Arg, swimming with the fishes, they be,” yo-ho-hoed Rumsfeld through teeth clenched on a short sword. The parrot perched on Rumsfeld’s broad shoulder further stated that the operation would also attack Chinese piracy of intellectual property, as well as ongoing butt-piracy activities in the showers of the nation’s prison system.

US Declares “War on Chickens©”

Competently dressed in a self-contained protective suit, Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff justifiably boasted that his effective agency has kept the insidious avian flu from penetrating our virgin shores. However, in a move made after consultation with the patriotic US Beef Council, HSA agents began the necessary task of destroying all of America’s poultry. “We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud over a local KFC,” reasonably argued Chertoff. The director, who grills a delicious steak (for which he shared his marinade recipe,) also concurred with the President’s reaffirmation of the pre-emptive strike doctrine, and commented that such a move may be necessary to keep the homeland free of freedom-hating viruses. “While we appreciate Israel and Egypt for their cooperation in the War on Terror©, they are now possible sources of infection for which the only cure might very well be a little shocking and awing. All options are on the table.”

US Declares “War on Imported Prescription Drugs©”

As drugs manufactured in the US under the patriotic watch of the FDA are of the highest quality, it has become clear that unwanted side effects reported by users of medications for sleep deprivation and Parkinson’s Disease were caused by inferior and possibly counterfeit drugs smuggled in from Canada. In addition, consumers of these “medications” report that the side effects include the unintentional violation of several deadly sins; Ambien users have experienced episodes of eating while sleeping (gluttony,) while dopamine addicts admit to engaging in unnatural sexual activities (lust) and excessive gambling (greed.) In response to the crisis, the administration created a new cabinet-level post, and nominated Rev. Pat Robertson to become the nation’s first Secretary of Church and State. Through personal spokesman Robertson, Jesus later announced that all drug users were sinners, and would be smited in due time.

* Rex Kramer’s awards include (but are not limited to) the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize eligibility list, a free order of fries from McDonald’s, and several Boy Scout merit badges.

SOUTH DAKOTA UNDER SEIGE!

2006-03-18T10:11:00.000-05:00

Opposition Demands Right to Murder Babies

(Pierre, SD) If the chiseled eyes of first-Republican Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore’s granite face could cry, they wouldn’t…because Abe was a man’s man, and crying is for wussies! Still, America’s first great uniter can’t be pleased with the way hippies have threatened to divide this great nation with a proposed boycott of South Dakota’s vast plethora of tourist attractions. Although it has long been established that hippies will, with no shortage of free time due to their refusal to earn an honest living, protest almost anything, this most recent screeching is particularly galling. Believe it or not, the America-haters amongst us have taken offense at a heroic South Dakota law that bans once and for all the heinous crime of baby murder!

“What is wrong with these people?” incredulously asked Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) on a fact-finding mission to South Dakota’s inspiring Corn Palace. “First, they wanted Saddam to have nuclear weapons. Then, they were all for the burning of our sacred flag. Now they support infanticide?” Frist, as a doctor, knows what “infanticide” and other medical-sounding words mean, as he is a practicing doctor. “These hippies are outside the mainstream now, they’ll be outside the mainstream on July 1st (when the law takes effect) and will outside the mainstream on Election Day 2008.”

“I want to go on record as saying that I’m against the torture of babies,” bravely testified Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) while looking very presidential at the foot of Mt. Rushmore. McCain, who was tortured as a baby, predicted that by 2008 all fifty states would adopt South Dakota’s anti-baby-killing bill as a model. “If not, the President, whoever he is, should take the lead in bringing an end to the slaughter of innocents.”

Former New York City mayor Rudy Guiliani, who has seen firsthand the slaughter of the innocents, cruised into Sturgis on a Harley borrowed from a certain California governor to show his support for the baby-saving people of South Dakota. “After the towers fell, South Dakotans, um, South Dakotites, er, South Dakotians still came to New York to spend their over-taxed money. Some were, regrettably, raped. And yet, not one of the impregnated heroines lowered herself to murdering her baby.” Guiliani, who despite being from New York does not hate America, pledged that if he is ever the victim of rape and/or incest, he will follow South Dakota’s example.

During a brief break in keeping our nation free from terrorists who would kill our babies, America’s latest great uniter weighed in on this latest treacherous act. “There ought to be limits to freedom*,” announced friend-of-freedom President Bush. “By that I mean, you shouldn’t be free to kill babies. No, I’m definitely against that. May God continue to bless America, and especially South Dakota.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

See More Patriotic Pictures of South Dakota today at The Blue Republic!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER EXCUSE

2006-03-18T08:05:00.000-05:00

Rex Kramer's Absence Raises Questions

(Orlando) In a question once asked exclusively about Waldo, Carmen San Diego and "The Beef," the world is now wondering, "Where's Rex Kramer?" Is he in re-hab? Is he deep, deep, deep undercover? Is he marrying Angelina Jolie this weekend? The answer, SG readers, is slightly less exciting yet infinitely more patriotic; he's been attending to his primary (and only paying) occupation of Danger-Seeking Detecting! Last night, for example, Rex and his Good-Doing Goon Squad raided a seedy strip club (seriously,) where it seems that...you won't believe this...women show their private parts for money! While we can't confirm this, we here at SG believe this makes Baby Jesus cry.

In any event, after a good night's sleep, Rex has pledged to resume doling out democracy-loving diatribes at some point today. In the meantime, why not get your daily dose of Danger-Seeking over at the Blue Republic, where today you can learn if your own hometown is on God's "Smiting List."

ISLAM-SATAN LINK EXPOSED!

2006-03-16T19:30:00.000-05:00

Pat Robertson Calls for Carpet-Bombing of Hell

(Virginia Beach, VA) Just as the Bush administration proved a link between America-hater Saddam Hussein and radical terrorist group al Qaeda, another great patriot stepped forward this week to expose another “straight line of evil” that joins two of the greatest threats to the American, Christian way of life. An alliance that was suspected, but never proven, was today revealed by future Intelligence Czar Pat Robertson, who proved beyond any reasonable doubt that Islam and Satan are determined to take over the world.

“These people are crazed fanatics and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power, it is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with. The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination,*” announced Robertson, who said he discovered documents linking the two evil entities wrapped up inside an aluminum tube that was buried deep under Nigeria’s “Yellow Cake Uranium Belt.” Robertson, who voters inexplicably failed to back in his 1988 presidential bid, hinted that unless the 2008 nominees agree that “Islam in not a religion of peace*” he will be forced to seek the presidency again. “Under my administration, Holy Crusades would once and for all rid the Middle East, from the mangers in Bethlehem to the plains of Armageddon, of Satan’s chosen people!”

Robertson’s announcement was predictably cheered by those who hate Satan, and thus love Jesus. “I, of course, would join Pat’s Holy Army in the beat of a doomsday drum,” patriotically avowed enemy-of-Satan and former Attorney General John Ashcroft. “As A Christian solider, I would lead, from a comfortable distance of course...I’m a general, after all…the forces of Good in victory over the brown-skinned heathen.” Although completely unnecessary, Ashcroft proved his loyalty to the Lord by anointing himself in a vat of Crisco.

Ashcroft’s dedication was echoed by other Christian patriots with equally impressive military credentials, such as Vice President and “Hero of Hanoi” Dick Cheney. “We had our chance to defeat Satan in Vietnam, but namby-pamby peaceniks like John Kerry kept us from sealing the deal,” truthfully testified “Dead-Eye Dick.” Cheney, whose skill with weapons of death is the stuff of legend. “I’ve proven my mettle in the trenches of Da Nang, on the quail-killing field of Texas, and by golly and with God willing, will do so again on the wrong side of Jerusalem.”

When informed of Robertson’s finding, President Bush rightfully reassessed his earlier determination that Iraq presented the greatest threat to America’s security. “While I always suspected that Satan was behind all this crazy America-hating, Reverend Robertson’s in-depth research on the matter, thankfully reported in a colorful picture-book, makes it clear as vodka snorted off a stripper’s belly.” While Bush stopped short of outlawing Islam (as is within his War Powers authority,” he did advise that all Americans should “fear with every fiber of their Jesus-loving souls anyone with a turban” with the exception of rich investors from the UAE who wish to operate ports within the US.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

BUSH: RETURN TO WHITE HOUSE IN 2008?

2006-03-14T20:21:00.000-05:00

First Lady Laura Mulls Extending Bush Dynasty

(Washington) Someday in the not-too-distant future, a former First Lady may very well serve as Commander-in-Chief…but it certainly won’t be that bitch Hillary What’s-Her-Face. Today in a stunning and yet somehow not unexpected or unwelcome announcement, Laura Bush hinted that America just may be ready for its’ first gyno-president. Lovely Laura needlessly added, “I'm voting for the Republican woman."

While not an official launch for the inevitable “Laura in 2008” campaign, her comments had many right-thinking Americans fantasizing about a dream Bush-Bush ticket in the next presidential election. “With Iraq continuing to be a spectacular success, and with his poll numbers skyrocketing, President Bush could bring much to a Laura Bush ticket,” lucidly theorized the completely unbiased George H.W. Bush. “Of course, should she decide to look beyond her husband to someone equally qualified, patriotic and handsome, there are other Bush family members who’d gladly step up to the job, by golly. I’m just saying…you know, retirement can be so lonely.”

Other Washington insiders praised the idea of Laura re-decorating the White House until 2016. “I, for one, think the First Lady would be greeted as a hero, and not a conqueror should she decided to run,” predicted hero Dick Cheney. “Should she need someone to head up the search for a worthy running mate, well, I know just the guy.”

“She is, like, so cool!” gushed Jenna Bush, a prospective Supreme Court nominee should Ruth Baden Ginsburg ever, God forbid, die. “Believe me, mom found my fake ID in a puddle of my own vomit; if she was queen of America, that Osama meanie would, like, be so caught.” Added voice of her generation and potential Secretary of State Barbara Bush (the hot one, not the old one,) “If mom ruled the world, I’d still be able to travel to way-cool places! Plus, I’d still get those Secret Service studs to, like, follow me everywhere. One is, like, sooooo cute!”

Outside of the beltway, supporters eagerly lined up to praise a Laura Bush presidency. “She would continue to bring honor and dignity to the White House, which lost so much honor and dignity with the last president. Clinton, I mean,” testified Florida Governor Jeb Bush. “Frankly, I think her career should be taking care of my Georgie, but I suppose if she must work she may as well stick to the family business,” quipped patriotic private citizen Barbara Bush (the old one.) Independent businessman Neil Bush, in a telegram from his Dubai office, announced he and his Mid-East friends, “Stand behind Bush STOP Will send money STOP What’s the latest on the port deal? STOP.”

While the First Lady, like most in the Bush clan, is coy about her bright political intentions, an exploratory committee has been created to gauge exactly how much America loves her (i.e. a lot, or super-much.) Donations for her campaign, in increments of $10,000, are being accepted temporarily at the “Re-Elect Tom DeLay” fund.

KATHERINE HARRIS, PERSECUTED MINORITY

2006-03-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

Overt Discrimination Unfairly Harming Senate Bid

(Long Boat Key, FL) Despite their long ago-disproved claim of representing the downtrodden, it appears the baseless and hurtful accusations Democrats have hurled at patriotic princess Katherine Harris (R-FL) may have forced the former beauty queen to forego what most concede would have been a successful challenge to Sen. Bill Nelson’s seat. Bowing out from the recent Southern Republican Leadership Council meeting in Memphis, Harris declared in that lilting, debutante falsetto of hers, “Unfortunately, I am unable to join you this weekend, as I prayerfully prepare with my family, friends and advisors to finalize the strategy for a major announcement next week concerning my candidacy for the U.S. Senate.” (Note: SG consulted the definitive Goldwater Conservative Dictionary, and determined that “prayerfully” is not only a word, it’s a Jesus-approved one.)

While her brief statement was in no way a legally-binding notice of withdrawal from the race, sources close to the situation have revealed that Harris, a demure flower of delicate Southern womanhood, has grown weary of liberals’ constant and unfounded criticism. “It all started in 2000, glorious 2000,” reminisced rock of support Karl Rove. “The out-of-the-mainstream media used altered photos of her that made comely Katherine look like Cruella De Ville. I mean, have you ever seen someone with a political axe to grind stoop so low?”

Harris, who as a white, female Christian benefactor of a millionaire grandfather has long known the sting of discrimination. “Democrats inexplicably hated Katherine log before 2000; in fact, it all started with her first Florida Senate run in 1994,” recalled family friend and future President Jeb Bush. “Back then, they baselessly accused her of taking $20,000 in illegal contributions from Riscorp, then later supporting legislation favorable to that wonderful institution. Now they claim she’s again taken dirty money. Clearly, the Democratic Party hates women.”

Of course, the most direct incident of Harris-hating was personified in Floridian freedom-hater Barry Seltzer. Seltzer, who many believe was contracted by Gore loyalists, attempted to run over Harris and millions of her supporters at a Sarasota pep rally/prayer breakfast. Seltzer was subsequently convicted and rendered to Yemen, but not before being allowed to serve as John Kerry’s Florida campaign chairman.

Harris’ persecution brought statements of support from throughout the nation. South Dakota governor Mike Rounds lamented Florida’ lack of support for women, and pledged that if Harris chose to relocate to his state, “she would be worshipped as a goddess, unless, of course, she wanted an abortion.”

WATER, NOT LIFE, FOUND IN SPACE

2006-03-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

Earth, God’s Favorite Planet, Still Center of Universe

(Houston) Secular, Jesus-hating NASA scientists are as giddy as Ted Kennedy at an open bar these days. On Thursday the eggheads announced that they had detected water erupting from one of Saturn’s moons, and on Friday they acted as if they, and not God, should be praised for inserting a satellite into Mars’ orbit. Left unsaid was the obvious; that without God, there would be no water, no Mars, no NASA, and no higher-being rejectionist scientists.

“Once again, the lab coat geeks show their true, pink-o colors,” righteously commented former NASA intelligent designist George Deutsch. “Could science have created Saturn’s rings? Could Darwin have brought from nothingness black holes and supernovae? Do hippies possess the power to move the earth and sky? No, no, and no. Only God, or possibly President Bush, could do that.” Deutsch, a persecuted Christian if ever there was one, lost his position at NASA when atheist astronomers challenged his correct assessment that the Big Bang theory is just that…a theory. “I guess hard-headed scientists can’t deal in theory,” theorized Deutsch.

“Big whoop-de-do,” intelligently commented America’s foremost expert on Jesus’ brand of science Pat Robertson when informed of the latest so-called scientific discoveries. “Water on one of Saturn’s moons? If memory serves me, we found water on our own moon and the missionaries we’ve sent there to convert the local savages have yet to find a single little green man. Clearly this proves beyond any shadow of reasonable doubt that the universe revolves around the Earth, and that the Earth revolves around Jesus Christ.”

Equally unimpressed was Senator (and future President) Rick Santorum (R-PA.) Santorum, chairman of the Senate Intelligent Design sub-committee, questioned the practical uses for water on Enceladus’ icy -307 degree surface. “Can you baptize a repentant abortionist in that water? Can you wash away the sins of cutters and runners in water that cold? Sure, Jesus could walk on that water, but so could Ted Kennedy; it’s frozen!” Santorum, whom some rejectionists erroneously believe is at risk of losing his Senate seat this year, promised that, if re-elected, he will introduce a bill banning future exploration of space. “Jesus doesn’t like it when we probe the heavens. As you know, heaven is reserved for the faithful, and a deep-space probe, like a Democrat, lacks a soul.”

President Bush, informed of the discovery by newest scientific advisor Kenneth “Kenny Boy” Lay, expressed doubt that the liquid seen erupting from the surface of Enceladus is in fact water. “We have an old saying in Texas that says, ‘fool me once, shame on me.’ No wait, that’s not it. It’s, ‘if it gushes from the ground, it must be oil!’ I should point out that Encelay, er, Encyclo, um, Saturn’s moon, is not America. That is to say, it’s foreign, and y’all know how I feel about foreign oil.” While not proposing an invasion of Enceladus, Bush went on record as saying, “all options are on the table.”

SICK CHILDREN HATE OUR FREEDOM

2006-03-11T08:46:00.000-05:00

Youngest Danger Seeker's Patriotism Questioned

(Orlando) We here at Spurious George World Headquarters apologize to our loyal base for the recent less-than-regular output from our ace reporter, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker.) His unverified excuse this time is that his youngest Danger-Seeking Daughter became ill this week, possibly from touching a hippie, and required his constant care. The good news is that the Petite Patriot is again the picture of all-American health, and that tonight Rex will resume educating the unwashed masses.

TAKE A BOW, HIPPIES!

2006-03-09T00:21:00.000-05:00

SG Recognizes Our Regular Readers’ Koufax Nods

(Orlando) We here at fair-and-balanced Spurious George World Headquarters give credit where credit’s due…even when the recipient of that credit hates America with every fiber of his or her tie-dyed being. In that spirit, today we recognize the rejectionists among you who have been “honored” with a nomination for a Koufax Award (voting open now at Wampum.) Listed below are the nominees in each category, a comment on each by our own Rex Kramer, as well as a special treat…an additional comment by Rex’s black sheep hippie brother, Kryptonite Kramer.

BEST BLOG (NON-PRO)

Agitprop

Rex: This blog has as its’ photo-icon a still from Dr. Strangelove, one of the most America-hating films of all time. Disgusting!

Kryptonite: Oh, Rex! Get over your Hollywood-bashing! I thought you’d be happy that Brokeback Mountain lost!

The Heretik

Rex: This site moves more than Hillary Clinton!

Kryptonite: For a man, H writes beautifully. Lyrical, almost. I’m moved to tears at times.

Rex: You’re such a pussy.

BEST COMMENTER

Comandante Agi

Rex: He’s a Californian. Need I say more?

Kryptonite: Rex, I live in California!

Rex: Exactly.

Rex Kramer AND Danger Seeker

Rex: So patriotically nice, I had to be nominated twice!

Kryptonite: Mom still liked me best.

MOST HUMOROUS BLOG

Agitprop

Rex: There’s nothing funny about America-hating.

Kryptonite: You were dropped on your head, weren’t you?

The Blue Republic

Rex: Can you believe these hippies were nominated BEFORE I made them more fair and balanced?

Kryptonite: I read it every day…except for Saturday.

The Heretik

Rex: Another multiple-nominee. Just goes to show there’s only about 5 lefty blogs out there.

Kryptonite: Jealous much?

Neil Shakespeare

Rex: Exhibit #1 that drugs and blogging don’t mix.

Kryptonite: Go Mambo Sven!

Pime Forest Collective

Rex: What the hell’s a “pime?”

Kryptonite: Um, I have no idea. German for “funny?”

MOST HUMOROUS POST

Neil Shakespeare: New Jesus Monument Sparks Controversy

Rex: Mocking Jesus is funny?

Kryptonite: Sure! I mean, have you seen his shoes?

BEST GROUP BLOG

The Defeatists

Rex: With a name like that, it has to hate America.

Kryptonite: Weren’t you a defeatist when it came to getting a date?

Rex: I’m so going to kick your ass!

BEST WRITING

The Heretik

Rex: Sweet Jesus, again?

Kryptonite: It’s called ‘talent,’ Rex. Look it up.

Rex: In a dictionary? Not in this lifetime!

Neil Shakespeare

Rex: Are you frigging kidding me?!? Neil compares Bush to Satan!

Kryptonite: What do you mean, ‘compares?’

DESERVING OF WIDER RECOGNITION

The Blue Republic

The Defeatists

Neil Shakespeare

Rex: Great. Just what these hippies need…more attention.

Kryptonite: Oh, look who’s talking, “Mr. Chin Lift!”

Ed Note: This column in no way signifies Spurious George’s endorsement for any nominee. To do so would only give aid and comfort to the enemy. Also, if we neglected to list any of your nominations, well, be glad that you weren’t included in this America-hating bunch (but still, let us know and we’ll fix it.)

Kryptonite's Final Word: I don't pray, but I'll be meditating for all of you (well, except for Rex. Recognition only encourages his kind.) Good luck!

Rex' Final Decree: People, the Koufax Awards are for amatuers! For real hard-core America-hating, look no further that the aptly named "America-Hating Awards" (A-HAs)...coming soon!

TREASON, THY NAME IS CONGRESS!

2006-03-08T21:15:00.000-05:00

Uppity House Republicans Cut and Run on Port Deal

(Washington) Giving aid and comfort to the enemy, so-called loyal Republicans of the House Appropriations Committee today moved dangerously close toward treason when they failed to wholly support the transfer of a few minor ports to our allies in the War on Terror© in the UAE. The inexcusable lack of fealty to our nation’s infallible president was predictably championed by anti-Arab Democrats, but was inexplicably joined by previously patriotic Republicans such as Bill Young (R-FL.) “One of the most vulnerable situations facing America is our ports of entry,*” exaggerated the fear-mongering Congressman. “Whoever’s responsible for those ports of entry should be American.*”

Young’s racist remarks were rejected by White House press secretary Scott McClellan, whose family emigrated to America from Dubai’s “Irish Quarter” only after it was discovered that potatoes grow poorly in the sand. “Frankly, after 18 terms in the House, I would expect Congressman Young would have a little more tolerance for people different from himself.” Despite Young’s arab-phobia, McClellan pledged that President Bush sincerely hoped that Congress would soon see the error of their ways. “We’re continuing to work closely with Congress*, even if they’re a bunch of corrupt, lobbyist-coddling poll-readers.”

White House assistant chief of staff Karl Rove, an apolitical appointee, echoed McClellan’s accusation. “Clearly, the House’s treachery is, I’m ashamed to say, politically motivated.” According to Rove most Americans, not thoroughly convinced that it was Iraqis and not citizens of the America-loving UAE that flew the planes on 9/11 (the Day that Changed Everything©,) falsely believe that the UAE may not guard our ports with fanatic zeal. “As a result, some fair-weather Congressmen feel that doing the right thing and heeding their Commander-in-Chief’s wishes will affect their re-election prospects. Frankly, I find this kind of fear-mongering pandering offensive.”

President Bush, taking time away from accurately blaming Congress for the lack of progress in re-building the Gulf Coast, threatened to veto any bill that puts the kabob on the port deal. “It has come to my understanding that I can veto stuff. That is to say, I have the authority to veto. That’s a funny word, isn’t it? Veto, veto, veto! Hehehe. Victor Veto and Freddy Vasco ate a burrito with Tabasco! May God continue to bless America!” Although the Senate and the House believe they have enough votes to override the President’s veto, Bush has been assured by the Attorney General’s office that he has the Constitutional authority, in times of war, to override the override based upon the historical precedent of “Cause I Say So.”

* - Indicates actual quote (See? We here at SG don’t make EVERYTHING up!)

THE TORTOISES AND THE HAMMER

2006-03-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

Tom DeLay Confident Opponents Offer No Challenge

Proving that he is in now way influenced by Washington lobbyists, Rep. Rom DeLay (R-TX) will attend an election-day fundraiser on his behalf, hosted by Washington lobbyists. Today, while registered Republicans in Texas’ 22nd District go to the polls to carry out the mere formality of re-nominating the popular Congressman, DeLay will be feted in DC by GOP power couple Bill Paxon and Susan Molinari. "I think he will win relatively easily and without a runoff," said Carl Forti, communications director for the National Republican Campaign Committee. “Although his so-called opponents are Republicans, they love America significantly less than Tom DeLay.

A dismissing glance at the competition only supports Forti’s accurate assessment. Pat Baig is a retired teacher who, like all teachers, is loyal above all else to the socialist National Education Association. Mike Fjetland, a Texas attorney who could benefit his clients by going quail-hunting with the Vice President, is making his fourth attempt to unseat DeLay, and America has made it quite clear that she hates a loser. The third and most America-hating candidate is another attorney, Tom Campbell. Campbell appears to be running on an “I’m not Tom Delay” platform, which is a questionable strategy, given that most men would kill to be DeLay. In fact, it is rumored that the “Sugarland Sugar Daddy” is being considered by People magazine as 2006’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

Asked if his absence from his home district on election night sent the wrong message to his constituents, DeLay dismissed the suggestion as the former exterminator would a cockroach. “Those lemmings? Are you kidding me? I’ve been investigated, indicted, and censured, and STILL those idiots worship me as a god. No, make that ‘God” with a capital G, and I don’t care if the Bible-thumpers don’t like it. I could skull-fuck the Virgin Mary on Christmas Eve, and they’d still line my pockets thanks to that veggie Terri Schiavo”

Washington insiders, even the Democratic ones, believe DeLay will emerge from today’s primary with nary a scratch. In the November mid-term elections, DeLay will most likely crush the Democrat’s latest sacrificial lamb, and subsequently re-assume a House leadership position once the Republican majority is expanded, the charges against him are exposed as the partisan hack-job that it is, and Jack Abramoff is swimming with the fishes. To top it off, there are rumblings that come next March, DeLay may be accepting an Oscar for his performance in an exciting new documentary. “I haven’t actually seen it yet, but I hear it’s very flattering,” remarked DeLay at his $1,000 a plate fundraiser. “I mean, how can it not be? I’m the Hammer, baby!”

Update: DeLay crushes his enemies, sees them driven before him, and hears the lamentations of their women!

“MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR” FAILS DARWIN’S THEORY

2006-03-06T01:50:00.000-05:00

“Hippie Chimp” Going Way of the Dodo

(The Congo) Listen, if you must, to your average hippie, and it might babble on about how “all you need is love” or theorize in a blasphemous way how “love makes the world go ‘round.” This same God-less subspecies would no doubt attempt to poison your mind with something called the “theory of evolution,” which, in layman’s terms, means that humans are not of divine creation but rather a random descendant of a red-assed baboon. And while their little fantasies may be entertaining, they fail to stand up to a little something called “God’s will,” as evidenced by the near-extinction of the “hippie chimp.”

The “hippie chimp,” or as it is commonly known in the Congo, lunch, was once held up by the Abbie Hoffman-set as the model by which we, the vastly superior human race, should pattern our behaviors. While the ape’s failure to use any personal hygiene products would in itself qualify it for worship by the liberals, hippies claim that the monkey’s primary attribute is that it resolves differences not through violence, but rather via casual and without-consequence sex. The female chimp, or “Bonobo” (named after a 70’s singer who was killed by a tree and a contemporary singer who thinks, treasonously, that we should just “forgive” third-world debt,) produces but one child every five years, which proves that when you get down to it, nobody wants to have sex with a hippie.

It appears now that these pacifist primates, who like their human counterparts enjoy “expanding their mind” through intoxicants, are, unlike the aforementioned superior human race, on the brink of extinction. While tenured America-hating “scientists” who study these apes blame poaching for the population’s decline, other, more Jesus-loving experts offer more rational explanations. “These lazy monkeys have no jobs,” rightfully asserted simian-labor authority Bill O’Reilly. “If you ask me, and trust me, many do, these apes would be much better off if they’d enlist as lab animals. It’s an honest living, one many Mexicans would literally kill for. Besides, those cosmetics aren’t going to test themselves! Do the hippies suggest that someone like Katherine Harris should subject herself to being sprayed in the eyes with hair spritzer?”

Others with their finger firmly placed on Jesus’ pulse see the bigger picture. “For a century now the liberal elite have forced down our throats the absurd idea that the human race ‘evolved’ from lesser beings,” scoffed Rev. Pat Robertson, a man not prone to using the suffering of others to promote his own cause. “And now we learn that this so-called ‘peace primate’ is on the brink of vanishing, while God-fearing sons of Adam continue to not only thrive but kick serious Iraqi ass? Well, you can just chalk up a big win for intelligent design!”

Meanwhile President Bush, who in no way resembles a monkey, expressed remorse for the hippie monkey’s plight, but insisted that there was no way to foresee the ape’s extinction. “If there had,” commented the President with just the right amount of gravitas, “I would have moved heaven and earth to save them. That, or just sent in Michael Brown to save the day!”

Rex Kramer wishes to take this time to thank those who have passed along their best wishes for Mrs. Danger-Seeker’s pregnancy, and wants to assure you that, boy or girl, Baby Danger-Seeker will be loved…as long as it’s not some kind of hippie monkey.

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