Chertoff: We'll Get To This Security "Thingy"

Honolulu) Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff interrupted his vacation on hurricane-free Oahu today to address criticism regarding the failure of his agency to meet several major deadlines set by Congress regarding post-9/11 security measures. Responding to reports that there still exist no plans to protect that nation’s infrastructure from terrorist attacks, Chertoff, smelling of coconut oil and virgin blood, blasted Congress for, “unrealistic expectations,” defended his agency by arguing that homeland security is “hard, real hard. I mean, c’mon, it’s a big country,” and mumbled that it was all “Clinton’s fault.” The director, his massive forehead furrowed, then effectively harrumphed and re-joined an orgy swarming with New Orleans refugee children.

When reached for comment at the Libby Defense War Room, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan repeated Chertoff’s assessment of the issue. “Congress once again overstepped their authority by legislating from the legislature. Clearly, this liberal-controlled body seeks to embarrass the President with their untenable deadlines.” When asked why, if the Congressionally-mandated deadlines were unrealistic, President Bush didn’t simply veto the acts, McClellan responded, “The President does not legislate from the White House. You see, Congress passes laws, and the President enforces them. I think it should be obvious by now that the President believes in the autonomy of the three branches of government.”

Osama bin Laden, coincidentally staying at the same Honolulu resort as Chertoff, reacted to the US government’s failures to protect its’ people with the same diplomatic mannerisms that have made him a sough guest at the best Washington parties. “Mikey’s right,” bin Laden cooed in perfect English, “it is a big country. But to be pragmatic, it’s not like I’m going to blow up corn silos in Nebraska. I mean, let’s be perfectly honest, I’m strictly a big-city guy.”