Scalia Flames Alito, Wannabes

(Lucedio, Italy) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, despite being a man of deep faith, has for several years now spent his Halloweens cloistered within the damp walls of the Abbey of Lecedio, a Dark Age macabre monastery where it is rumored the monks once worshipped Satan and to this day guard an ancient evil with their mummified bodies. “Pish-posh,” pooh-poohed Scalia while picking at his teeth with the splintered shinbone of a gypsy woman. “This place was Romper Room before I arrived. You want evil? You want Scalia!”

It seems Justice Scalia has a bone to pick with those who would compare potential Justices with him, especially when the issue is his steadfast embrace of all things dark. “Don’t get me wrong, this Alito guy has promise,” Scalia grudgingly growled as a flap of marrow hung from his maw, “but has he ever seen his enemies driven before him? Heard the lamentations of their women? I think not.”

Today President Bush nominated US Appeals Court Judge Samuel Alito, dubbed by some as “Scalitio” for his embrace of Justice Scalia’s reign of terror, to replace retiring Justice O’Conner as an Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court. While acknowledging that the President could have (and did) make a worse choice, Scalia questioned whether Bush considered other options.

“I mean, we have Saddam in custody, do we not?” The blood-spattered jurist rhetorically asked. “Now there’s a guy who knew how to take evil to the next level! I mean, those dirty Kurds never said boo when Uncle Saddam called the shots; imagine what he’d do with unwed teenage mothers! My God!” The Justice then excused himself, and was heard fumbling through kitchen drawers in search of a cleaver, as a mongrel dog had wandered into the abbey.

Upon return, a sedate Scalia was careful to avoid causing a rift with a man he may serve with for years to come. “I’m certain that Judge Alita will make an outstanding Supreme Court Justice in the years to come,” he mumbled through a fleshy dog mask. “Without doubt he is much more acceptable than that Miers fellow. I mean really, could you see her giving the go-ahead for legalized gay-bashing? I think you know what I mean.”