Jesus Rejected By Conservatives

(Nazareth) Hours after accepting Harriet Miers’ withdrawal from consideration for the nation’s top court, inside sources say President Bush’s inner circle floated the names of other possible candidates to select special interest groups for their assessment. While the President publicly says that Samuel Alito is the perfect white male for the job, some close to Bush admit that he was deeply hurt that his closest advisor was rejected as “too liberal.”

“As everyone knows, the President has a close, personal relationship with Jesus,” the top White House official revealed on the condition of anonymity. “That the Savior was seen by some as a less than perfect choice was, well, disappointing to him, and quite frankly, everyone who saw Him as the ideal judge of men.”

Conservative groups that had been contacted by the President spoke respectfully about the proposed nominee, but questioned His faithfulness to the conservative agenda. “While we felt assured that Jesus Christ is well within the pro-life camp, “explained Concerned Women for America vice president Wendy Wright, “we were very concerned about his views on capital punishment and torture. We felt the judiciary had enough criminal-coddling judges thanks to the former President.”

“What’s up with the ‘turn the other cheek’ thing?” asked Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas.) “Should we have turned the other cheek when Saddam was flying planes into the Twin Towers? In all due respect to the Good Lord, I feel if it were up to him we’d all be speaking Farsi.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan denied to confirm that the President had held up the Son of God as a possible nominee, saying only that President Bush had sought His council, much like the way he had asked Dick Cheney in 2000 to fin the best vice presidential candidate and when he conferred with Harriet Miers regarding possible Supreme Court nominees. “I will say that the President asked his Lord to help him find someone Christ-like to lead this court.”

Jesus Christ could not be reached for comment, although self-appointed spokesman James Dobson remarked, “The Lord will judge man one day, but not until Roe v. Wade has gone the way of the Roman legions.”