Bush: Torture "Family-Friendly"

(Panama City) Speaking to an assembly of namby-pamby Panamanian journalists, President Bush today confirmed that the US does torture terrorist suspects at secret foreign locations, but defended the practice, stating that interrogations were conducted in a “tough-love, family-friendly kind of way.”

“C’mon” half-smiled the President, addressing a terrorist-loving reporter. “Don’t tell me you never gave your brother a good noogie, or maybe he gave you a nice Indian burn. Same thing here. And by here, I mean about a block away. You know, down at Noriega’s old prison.” Mr. Bush didn’t wait for his translation to be read before continuing. “You see, sure, the Indian burn hurt, but you learned a lesson from it. At least I did. And that lesson, of course, is don’t mess with America.”

President Bush added that he and his brothers were often tortured as children at the direction of his father. “My father was a great man, and a great American. When he was the director of the CIA, see, he’d have his men practice new torture techniques on me and Jebby. At times, we’d strip down to our skivvies, and one agent would film us while a few others slapped and tickled us. So you see, we grew up ok, so what’s the big deal.”

Reached for comment, Barbara Bush reacted with surprise regarding allegations that her sons were tortured at the behest of her husband, but once comported remarked “I had suspected as much.” Mrs. Bush, however, stated that she refused to allow her beautiful mind to consider such things.