Monday, November 07, 2005

Newest Pluto Moon Actually Limbaugh Anal Cyst

(Houston) Last week’s announcement that two small moons surrounding Pluto had been discovered brought the kind of excitement to astronomers usually reserved for Star Wars releases, but today’s finding has them reliving the Jar-Jar Binks nightmare all over again. NASA, known throughout what passes as astronomy social circles as the “Wet Blanket Agency,” has announced that the aging Hubble space telescope has revealed that the two objects are in fact terrestrial in origin.

“Simply put, they’re anal cysts,” announced NASA administrator Michael Griffin announced with nary a chuckle. “Granted these are enormous cysts; our initial estimates put them at between 75 and 150 miles in diameter. We believe they may have originated as a single cyst and split apart due to the pull of gravity or a cataclysmic event during its’ trip from Earth to Pluto.”

Griffin said he could not confirm that the cyst was the same one removed from radio pundit Rush Limbaugh’s ass during his time of eligibility for Vietnam War service, but admitted that there were few other alternative theories. “Let’s face it, Mr. Limbaugh’s ass is enormous, and it stands to reason that his anus is comparatively so.”

When reached for comment, Mr. Limbaugh exhaled an exhaustive sigh that smelled faintly on fresh baby seals and virgin blood. “Not that thing again. Let me tell you, that cyst was the only thing, the ONLY thing, that kept me from serving with honor during our country’s hour of need. I was under the impression that in its’ shame it had fled to Canada and maybe roomed up with Bill Clinton, but obviously there was nowhere on this planet it felt protected from the withering stares of true, patriotic Americans such as myself.”

A request for comment from the cysts was not immediately returned, due in part to the time delay caused by the 900 million mile distance. However, noted anal cyst attorney Dick DeGuerin took time from his defense of Congressman Tom DeLay to say of the cysts, “they have done nothing wrong and should be presumed innocent.”


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