Sunday, February 19, 2006

JACOBELLIS: A LESSON FOR AMERICA


Olympic Loser a Wake-Up Call for Many

(Turin, Italy) High-ranking patriots in the Bush administration, unlike the vast majority of Americans, are watching the Winter Olympic Games…not for “the spirit of athletic competition” of something gay like that, but rather for the purpose of keeping a close, post-9/11-world eye on the rest of the world. Some of what they have learned will come as no great surprise to those who love America (specifically, Iran sucks at downhill skiing and you can learn all you need to know about Canada by watching curling,) it was a single gaffe on the part of an obviously-stoned American girl that provided the greatest lesson of these Games.

Snowboarder
Lindsey Jacobellis’ un-America-like hubris at the end of the “snowboardcross” (is that even a word?) final may have cost her the gold medal and the love and respect of her friends and family, but according to many the show-boating snowboarder’s humiliation may inspire Americans to keep their own well-earned cockiness in check. “America has always, and will continue for at least through the end of 2008, kicked the world’s ass,” accurately asserted Treasury Secretary John Snow. “What ‘alternative-lifestyle Lindsey’ showed us, however, is that we can not rest on our laurels.” Snow strongly suggested that Congress should make President Bush’s brilliant tax cuts permanent and thus ensure America’s ability to avoid wiping out on the slopes of a very competitive world market.

Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao who, despite her commie surname very much loves America, also divined meaning from the lowest point in Jacobellis’ life. “I compare Lyndsey to the average unionized American worker; fattened by excessive wages, made lazy by guaranteed benefits, and willing to bring America down to her level.” While Chao boasts that Americans currently have the highest standard of living in the world, she warns that unless domestic workers are
willing to make minor sacrifices, they will soon be doing the dry cleaning and gardening for Chinese masters. “Why is China’s economy booming? Simple: no unions! Unburdened by whiney worker demands, Bejing will at some time in the future…after President Bush leaves office, of course…become the world’s pre-eminent economic power.”

“You go to the Olympics with the snowboarders you have, not the ones you wish you had. That’s the lesson I take from Miss Jacobellis’ stupidity,” righteously opined Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “Sure, we wish we could’ve gone into Iraq and could go into Iran with Death Stars and light sabers, and we will, if Congress approves the President’s 2007 budget.” Critics have attacked Bush’s budget, which calls for massive spending increases for the Pentagon while making minor spending cuts in education and healthcare. “Will school children make America safe from terrorists?” rhetorically asked the stoic Secretary. “Lindsey Jacobellis was once a school child, and she can’t even stand up on her own two feet!”

10 Comments:

Blogger Left of Center said...

snowboarders are happy to be able to tokeup once again.. Silly pee tests.. Go huge dude!

February 19, 2006 12:31 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I have forwarded a sternly-worded letter to the IOC on behalf of all Americans in which the suggested, nay, DEMANDED that in future Olympia our athletes not only submit to drug tests, but also to haircuts.

February 19, 2006 9:14 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

So she doesn't make it on to a box of Wheaties...everybody knows that Pop-Tarts are the breakfast of champions.

February 19, 2006 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

***WARNING***WARNING***
The following Remarks criticize American...but don't mean I hate the place:

How schizophrenic must a country be to create a sport that features hotdog snowboarding – then gets all indignant when somebody actually HOTDOGS. America needs to take a chill-pill.

Okay Kramer...give me your best shot.

February 19, 2006 12:57 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: I couldn't agree more. I especially like the white-frosted kind that, when appropriatly decorated with blueberry and raspberry jams, make a tasty little American flag.

Dude: America didn't invent the sport, hippies did. I mean, have you heard these mutants talk? It's all about "having fun." What kind of loser-speak is that?!?

February 19, 2006 2:53 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Losers always say it's not about winning, it's about the money, er, I mean...joy.

Haircuts????OK Steinbrenner....

February 19, 2006 7:00 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Geez, I just saw this woman from THE NETHERLANDS just won a GOLD MEDAL! The Netherlands, for chrissakes. EVERYBODY is stoned in that country...and they take a gold medal. This must be some kind of terrorist conspiracy...or maybe they've got better stuff and won't share it with our girls! No! Those Dutch are so damn selfish!

February 19, 2006 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Kramer, your "hippie sports" include hacky sack, Frisbee, juggling, yo-yo tricks, stilt-walking and unicycling. Nothing you could get hurt doing.

February 20, 2006 2:29 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lily: Joy? JOY?!? Will joy get you corporate sponsors? Will joy regain you the love and respect of your country? Can you flaunt joy in the faces of those uppity Italians?

Neil: I too am suspicious of those wooden show-wearing freaks. Why, anyone who has ever visited the Nederlands (or as I call it, "Holland') knows that the non-gas mask wearing tourist can get a contact-high merely by inhaling.

Dude: Don't forget "America-hating."

February 20, 2006 8:49 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Dude: Don't forget "America-hating."

I consider that a passtime.

February 21, 2006 12:48 AM  

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