JACOBELLIS: A LESSON FOR AMERICA

Olympic Loser a Wake-Up Call for Many

(Turin, Italy) High-ranking patriots in the Bush administration, unlike the vast majority of Americans, are watching the Winter Olympic Games…not for “the spirit of athletic competition” of something gay like that, but rather for the purpose of keeping a close, post-9/11-world eye on the rest of the world. Some of what they have learned will come as no great surprise to those who love America (specifically, Iran sucks at downhill skiing and you can learn all you need to know about Canada by watching curling,) it was a single gaffe on the part of an obviously-stoned American girl that provided the greatest lesson of these Games.

Snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis’ un-America-like hubris at the end of the “snowboardcross” (is that even a word?) final may have cost her the gold medal and the love and respect of her friends and family, but according to many the show-boating snowboarder’s humiliation may inspire Americans to keep their own well-earned cockiness in check. “America has always, and will continue for at least through the end of 2008, kicked the world’s ass,” accurately asserted Treasury Secretary John Snow. “What ‘alternative-lifestyle Lindsey’ showed us, however, is that we can not rest on our laurels.” Snow strongly suggested that Congress should make President Bush’s brilliant tax cuts permanent and thus ensure America’s ability to avoid wiping out on the slopes of a very competitive world market.

Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao who, despite her commie surname very much loves America, also divined meaning from the lowest point in Jacobellis’ life. “I compare Lyndsey to the average unionized American worker; fattened by excessive wages, made lazy by guaranteed benefits, and willing to bring America down to her level.” While Chao boasts that Americans currently have the highest standard of living in the world, she warns that unless domestic workers are willing to make minor sacrifices, they will soon be doing the dry cleaning and gardening for Chinese masters. “Why is China’s economy booming? Simple: no unions! Unburdened by whiney worker demands, Bejing will at some time in the future…after President Bush leaves office, of course…become the world’s pre-eminent economic power.”

“You go to the Olympics with the snowboarders you have, not the ones you wish you had. That’s the lesson I take from Miss Jacobellis’ stupidity,” righteously opined Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “Sure, we wish we could’ve gone into Iraq and could go into Iran with Death Stars and light sabers, and we will, if Congress approves the President’s 2007 budget.” Critics have attacked Bush’s budget, which calls for massive spending increases for the Pentagon while making minor spending cuts in education and healthcare. “Will school children make America safe from terrorists?” rhetorically asked the stoic Secretary. “Lindsey Jacobellis was once a school child, and she can’t even stand up on her own two feet!”