Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Vice President Explains Traumatic Experience Through Song

(Corpus Christi, TX) Vice President Dick Cheney, clearly traumatized by the injury his friend Harry Whittington suffered as a result of the prominent Austin attorney’s own negligence, today addressed the nation in a fair-and-balanced interview seen by billions on Fox News. While this act fulfilled his duty to keep the nation informed, in a timely manner, of his minor involvement in the incident, on the advice of White House trauma counselor Karl Rove Cheney expressed his deep sorrow through the cleansing power of music. The Vice President, as a heterosexual, can not sing, and so he asked his good friend and unofficial spokesperson Katharine Armstrong to use her inspiring voice to convey the depth of his emotions. Ever the patriot, Armstrong agreed, and moved millions with her rendition of Cheney’s lyrics, as sung to the tune of “I Fought the Law.”

I was shooting quails in the hot sun
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun
We were having so much fun
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun

I shot my buddy and I feel so bad
I just wanted to run
He’s the best flusher I ever had
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun

Now I’m back in Washington
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun
What a wasted vacation!
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun

I shot a donor and I feel so bad
But what’s done is done
Let’s go bomb us Baghdad!

I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun
I eventually called up Washington
Called up Rove n’ said, ‘we’re done’
He said this don’t matter none
We’ll spin this til’ it can’t be spun
Just don’t wake up “number one!”


Blogger Mary said...

Touching, I will go cry now and get back to you...I am so glad to see that Mr. Cheney is a heterosexual and rightly points out that only gay people sing...

February 15, 2006 7:59 PM  
Anonymous The Heretik said...


February 15, 2006 8:10 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Wait a minute! What about John Ashcroft? He's good singer, isn't he? Please don't tell me the man who warmed my heart with "Let The Eagle Soar" (or whatever his wonderful song was titled)is, *choke* gay? It would explain why he covered the breast on the statue of Justice at the Justice Dept. What kind of heterosexual man doesn't want to see the stone breast of justice on a daily basis.

February 15, 2006 9:28 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

i think he covered the breast and added a penis...seriously, is that singing not the funniest thing ever? I swear to god the fact that he sings that shit and the whole nation doesn't role over in laughter kills me, that is funny shit...

February 15, 2006 9:33 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Rex, moving to say the least. It brought a tear to me eye.

And since we know that only gay people sing, I think that I'm going to contact my friends Babylon by the Bay Glee Club and see if they render this for us at their next concert.

February 15, 2006 9:53 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Mary: Cheney never said that ONLY gay men's just that he's waaaaay to heterosexual to have any real talent. If he had even an iota of estrogen in his blood, he might have given it a try.

H: Bueno? I think that's a compliment, but as a REAL American I only speak Americanish, and thus can't be sure.

Lew: The Soaring Eagle's as straight as they come. He was only able to croon after annointing himself in Crisco oil, much like Clay Aiken does before a cabaret.

Mary: You find exhibitions of patriotism funny? Oh, I'm sure you get a good guffaw every time the national anthemn is played! Why do you hate America so?

February 15, 2006 9:55 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Kvatch: For the love of God (to say nothing of the sanctity of marriage) please don't!

February 15, 2006 9:57 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Dear Rex;
no america hating here, at all, i just think that when john ashcroft sings that stuff it's funny, come on? seriously, you KILL me with your undying patriotism, seriously.....fucking hilarious....

February 15, 2006 10:10 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

You should be singing Rex, as I see in the paper your home values just ranked #3, beating our #7.
Just don't cry like I did when you get your *new&improved* tax bill!

In lighter news..SNAVE over at the leftist anti- American blognonymous had this excellent work:
Cheney was known as the veep
But was more widely known as a creep
While hunting for birds
The goddamned old turd
Shot his friend, who fell down in a heap

Bush thought the news was just bunk
Just more of the same left-wing junk
But the problem, you see,
Was just pure GOP:
Both Bush and Cheney were drunk

The moral of the story is true,
It could happen to me or to you:
Get too drunk on power
And the deal will go sour
And you'll end up in jail getting screwed.


February 16, 2006 8:02 AM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

Can't stop laughing.

February 16, 2006 9:47 AM  
Anonymous Lily --the Patriopath said...

Aren't home values the path to third equity loan income subsidization? You mean all these newbie homebuyers will have to live within their means?

And Lew, we always knew you were a stone breast man.

What next, you'll have hippies breastfeeding on the Senate floor? I applaud the prudence of Ashcroft. The exposed breasts of justice send us down an evil slippery slope. A slope better reserved for the chains of matrimony.

February 16, 2006 10:27 AM  
Anonymous A Concerned Citizen said...

I need to get something off my chest - I think we need to nip this bosom talk in the bud. I know some of you people don't give a hoot, or care, and some of you will milk this just for the titillation. Well I find that disgusting, and frankly some of you boobs are getting on my nerves – this behavior sucks. Let’s stop being jug heads, and just rack this up to a culture of permissiveness. Please, no more references to "breasts", or worse “shirt puppies”. I’m trying to be constructive here, so no need to do tit-for-tat. Ta-Ta

February 16, 2006 1:18 PM  

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