Sunday, February 12, 2006

LAURA TO HILLARY: “BRING IT ON”

First Lady Questions Senator’s Patriotism, Sexuality

(Torino, Italy) As a devoted Christian, First Lady Laura Bush has always turned the other cheek when some misinformed troglodyte attacks her character, but when her brave and brilliant husband is questioned (or worse, America is,) she is as deadly as a B-1 bomber loaded for bear. Yesterday in a rare baring of her claws, the First Lady rightfully took umbrage at recent treasonous comments made by former First “Lady” and current carpetbagger Hillary Clinton.
Calling Clinton’s recent America-hating attacks on the President “out of bounds,” Bush hinted that as long as Clinton was “out” she should also consider coming “all the way out.”

“Really, who does she think she’s kidding?” asked Bush in her trademark southern lilt that has melted the hearts of men from Texas to Torino. “I mean, the business suits? The ‘man-hands,’ the hair? I see the way she looks at Barbara and Jenna. I think it’s high time America calls Hillary out on the carpet and see if she munches it.” Bush, ultra-feminine in her pink and white snowsuit (American-made, of course,) then excused herself so that she could attend a tea party with spouses of lesser heads-of-state.




As expected, America is siding with Mrs. Bush on this issue. The latest Gallop Poll shows that
the current First Lady unsurprisingly has an 82% approval rating (by mere coincidence, the same approval rating enjoyed by her husband according to every Fox News poll ever conducted.) The same poll revealed that there exists strong support for a Senate run by the President’s wife. However, a spokesman for Bush dismissed any future campaign for office. “The First Lady, unlike a certain former First Lady, knows that politics is a man’s world. Mrs. Bush is more than content to smile, look pretty, and dote on her future grandchildren.”

Senator Clinton, whose approval rating among Americans is more than likely the same as Osama bin Laden’s, interrupted her weekly tennis match with Martina Navratilova to address Bush’s remarks with her trademark anger. “As attractive as the First Lady is, and make no mistake, she’s a yummy piece of sponge cake, when in comes to politics she’s merely eye candy. Hot, sexy eye candy, but still.”

Apprised of the heightening tension between the two women, Fox networks executives quickly pitched a pilot concept to representatives of both camps. “We, like Senator, could go many ways with this,” explained Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch. “Sitcom, reality show, hell, maybe even a nude mud-wrestling event! Tell me every man in America wouldn’t want to see Laura Bush in the buff! As for Hillary, well, the last time I checked the lesbian market still watches commercials!”

12 Comments:

Blogger Lew Scannon said...

If Fox couldn't get Laura for the nude mud-wrestling with Hillary, how about Ann Coulter? That would be the highest rated show, ever!

February 12, 2006 1:27 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Lew, I'm still holding out for some Condi-Mud wrestling...
ooooooo...make me cry make me cry make mecry..

February 12, 2006 2:02 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Hmmm...I think Laura is positioning herself to run for election in 2008. She needed to come out strong and take a stand to show that terrorist, er, Hillary, that she was one tough lady.

Laura vs. Hillary. That cat fight would probably draw record voters to the poll.

February 12, 2006 2:59 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

...interrupted her weekly tennis match with Martina Navratilova...

Dammit, Danger Seeker, you sure can make me laugh.

February 12, 2006 3:10 PM  
Anonymous LILY said...

Hot sexy eye candy? Who knew?

Munches? Rex, for a patriopathic danger seeker, you sure know about what kind of carpet she's been bagging...you know a little TOO much...


Laura claims she has no intention of running, what with belonging in the kitchen and all... literacy is girlie enough to be permissable, but not quite aggressive enough to be scary.

Condi mud wrestling? Only if you throw in Newt. Ah, the perspiration doth cloud my vision...sooooo hot.

February 12, 2006 5:17 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: I'll go you one better...why not a tag-team match with Hillary and Janet Reno on one side, and Laura and Condi on the other? I say we bill it as "Feminine vs. FemiNazi!" Have your people call my people.

AJ: I hear ya, buddy. Just thinking about mud getting stuck in her tooth-gap gets my red, white and blue blood boiling!

Kathy: Let's be clear on one thing...anyone with the last name of "Bush" would trounce Hillary with a land-sliding mandatism. Thus, while some so-called conservatives fear a Clinton candidacy, I welcome it with a manly embrace.

Abi: Laugh now, but how will that game play when it's being contested on the White House lawn?

Lily: As a patriotic journalist, I have my ear to the ground on every issue that affects America. Sadly, being so thorough means also knowing the specifics regarding Hillary's latest "girl-toys." And while we're on the topic of carpet, I have it on good authority that Hillary's doesn't match her curtains. Oh yes, I went there.

February 12, 2006 6:59 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

"The same poll revealed that there exists strong support for a Senate run by the President’s wife." By "strong" you apparently mean only 40% - and as we know, fully half the people in America are crazy or her husband wouldn't have won in the first place.

Also - and I'm not really a fan of Hillary - Laura's rating wouldn't be so great if she talked about things other than cookies and curtains.

Finally - Why doesn't anyone talk about First Mistresses? Jack Kennedy's kicks everyone elses ass. Though if you count Clinton's time as governor of Arkansas...you'd have to give him his due for Jennifer Flowers.

February 12, 2006 7:59 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Dude,

Personally, I think Jimmy Swaggart could give them all lessons.

February 12, 2006 8:55 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

You want to talk mistresses? Give Thomas Jefferson his due (also Elanor Roosevelt.)

February 12, 2006 11:41 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

...she is as deadly as a B-1 bomber loaded for bear.

I happen to know that B-1 bombers and never used to hunt bear. Well...unless you the Veep. In which case it's bear, elk, wealthy doner friends named Whittington.

February 13, 2006 12:38 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Had I known of the veep's unfortunate incident, I'd have written "loaded for quail." Then again, that might've insulted the former junior Senator from Indiana.

February 13, 2006 1:00 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I'm sorry, Rex, but you've gone down the wrong path here. As we all know, First Ladies are asexual beings. They are pure. They are moist...no, er...scratch that 'moist' reference...

February 13, 2006 2:36 AM  

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