Wednesday, February 01, 2006

REPUBLICANS LAMENT “ADDICTED AMERICA”

GOP Hopes President Inspires Nation to Kick Their Bad Habits

(Washington) A day after former Texas oil man President Bush bravely called America out for their addiction to foreign (but not domestic) oil, other compassionately conservative leaders are responding by “outing” the addictions of others. Within hours of being inspired by the President’s State of the Union Shaming, administration officials and lawmakers were appearing on talk shows, calling press conferences and circulating tax-supported (and thus not lobbyist-bought) newsletters in which the faults of lesser beings were spotlighted.

“America has become addicted to partisanship,” lamented former House majority leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) as a guest of the always unbiased 700 Club Smiting Hour with Pat Robertson. DeLay, whose brilliant scandal-free political career was temporarily sabotaged by a bitterly-partisan local district attorney, knows well the pain of being victimized by those gripped by this nefarious addiction. “The only hope for those affected is to show them the error of their ways, and how much their America-hating hurts America. That, or criminalize the Democratic Party, which, sadly, may be the only way to go.”

From an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney released a statement in which he conceded that “some so-called Americans” are addicted to fear-mongering and, worse, are intent on infecting others with their addiction. “These sky-is-falling leftists would have you believe that we’re losing the war in Iraq, that the NSA is illegally wiretapping American citizens, and that the Supreme Court is intent on outlawing abortions. Let me assure the American people that the only thing we have to fear is fear-mongering itself. That, and the fact that brutal terrorists who want to kill and rape American babies and puppies lurk among us, and only a Republican government can stop them.”

On his top-rated radio show, addiction-free Rush Limbaugh asked Americans to forego two of their deadliest vices: drugs and blaming others for their drug use. “People, as someone whose maid blamed me, if you can believe this, of making her buy painkillers that her non-English speaking ass was using, I can assure you this is a big, big problem.” Limbaugh, an opponent of government intervention into citizens’ personal lives and medical files, suggested that the best means for combating these twin terrors is immigration reform. “It’s illegal immigrants who make the drugs. It’ll illegal immigrants who transport and sell the drugs. Its ungrateful illegal immigrants who refuse to realize its successful taxpayers like me who pay their wages and thus shouldn’t be running off to the feds with information about their employers that’s really none of their damn business.”

Press conferences condemning America’s darkest addictions were called by Attorney General Gonzales (irrational justifications,) Secretary of State Rice (boot-licking,) Senator Trent Lott (racism,) former FEMA director Michael Brown (cronyism,) newly-minted Supreme Court Justice Alito (lack of disclosure,) Barbara and Jenna Bush (underage drinking,) Defense Secretary Rumsfeld (improper planning,) Congresswoman Jean Schmidt (character assassination,) Senator Bill Frist (malpractice,) former Congressman Duke Cunningham (influence peddling,) and Moral Majority founder Timothy LaHaye (religious intolerance.)

On a tour to further his “America Hates Addiction” agenda, President Bush praised the efforts of right-thinking Americans to exorcise the nation’s demons. “As I’ve always said, I’m a uniter, not a divider. Nothing divides families, divides friends, or divides America, like addictions. Unless, of course, you’re addicted to freedom. Like me. Can’t get enough of the stuff. If it came in powdered form, well, I’d snort it off a stripper’s belly. May God continue to bless America.”


Rex Kramer wants to know: What are your addictions? Are they of the America-hating or freedom-loving variety? Leave your comment/confession, or merely speak into the nearest telephone. You'll feel better, trust us.

18 Comments:

Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Well, I used to be addicted to flag burning and exercising my freedom of speech, now I'm hooked on cruising gay right wing chat rooms hoping to hook up with Karl Rove.

February 01, 2006 10:01 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I might as well face it, I'm addicted to love...wait, that might be Robert Palmer. Never mind.

February 01, 2006 10:44 PM  
Anonymous Lily - supposedly said...

As you know Rex I used to be addicted to Lew Scannon before he became addicted to gay right wing chat rooms hoping to hook up with Karl Rove who became addicted to Dobson's discipline.
Before Lew I was addicted to the pine goodness of the tree I sat in for eight years...
Before "Uranus" (my tree) I was addicted to feng shui...before that, Phish.

February 01, 2006 10:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, Rex, did I ever tell you about Uranus?

February 01, 2006 10:56 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: As much as I love the architect, I have to admit that you may the first person, of either gender, to ever admit to "hoping to hook up with Karl Rove."

Dude: I miss the 80's too, but, c'mon, let it go.

February 01, 2006 10:57 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Well, that was weird...I said my peace, and two comments appeared before my finger even hit "enter." That said...

Lily of Uranus: Addicted to Phish? That explains the former America-hating? Tell me, how'd you ever get the smell of hippies out of your clothes?

"Anonymous" of Uranus: Tell me that isn't a cool name for a band! A freedom-hating band, but still.

February 01, 2006 11:02 PM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

Since listening to my President, who I like to call Great Leader, or sometimes His Sovereign Mightiness, Great Poobah of the World Transcendent Forever and Forever Amen, I am addicted to standing on the necks of really poor people and lecturing them about the benefits of NAFTA and the advantages of health savings accounts. I am also addicted to watching our mighty Great Leader sing the praises of the glorious War on Terror in Iraq. Sometimes I just swoon in wonder at Great Leader's command of the English language which I compare to Churchill or sometimes Abraham Lincoln.

February 01, 2006 11:31 PM  
Anonymous The Heretik said...

I am addicted to freedom lovers. I also love their fries.

February 02, 2006 12:20 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Well, Karl did commit treason by exposing Valerie Plame. And who among us other American hatin' traitors can't respect him for that?

February 02, 2006 6:10 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

America is addicted to food. I believe food should be placed on the controlled substances list. We should especially work on programs to keep food out of our schools. Food is a gateway drug.

February 02, 2006 7:08 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Newsguy: Churchill and Lincoln? Those fellas hardly faced the kind of nation hardships that Bush has dealt with. Did the South fly a plane into the WTC? No. Did the Germans blow up London buses? I think not. Those guys had it soooo easy.

Heretik: Fries, especially the Freedom variety, are indeed a tasty treat. Almost sinfully good...so of course they're bad. Evil, even. Please stop giving aid and comfort to evil things.

Lew: When you said "treason," you of course meant "whistle-blowing." The two terms are often mistaken.

Neil: They have food in school?!? Do the liberals have no shame in how they spend my tax dollars?

February 02, 2006 8:19 AM  
Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

next these people will tell us that the earth is warming or something

February 02, 2006 11:27 AM  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

Lew, you are too funny!

February 02, 2006 12:11 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Instead of calling our Commander-in-Chief an outright liar and betrayer of all that He was sworn to protect and uphold, It would seem the Richmond Assembly's appreciation, (and thus conveyed to the U.S. Democratic Branch), of Rex's astute and patriotic epiphanies; helped to keep a smile on Governor- Elect Kaine's face with a simple but elegant:
" There must be a better way".
Rex , might have saved us from Civil War that once again might have started
in Richmond.
God Bless America!
God Bless Kramerica!

February 02, 2006 1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anita said...

"addiction-free Rush Limbaugh ..."

VERY funny.

But on a more serious note, my astrologer (yes, I have an astrologer, don't be jealous ... I have a shrink too, or rather, two ... anyway, moving on) says I have "Uranus in the 7th House" (or some house, I don't remember which)... apparently whatever house it is, it's a very Piscean trait ... something to do with spirituality.

I'm not addicted to astrology ... but like 'the dude' and Robert Palmer, I AM addicted to love ... and Pinot Noir ...

February 02, 2006 3:59 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

ME: "Hi, my name is Kvatch, and I'm addicted to the writings of lunatic named Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker."

ALL: "Hi Kvatch!"

February 02, 2006 4:02 PM  
Anonymous Lily (absent from photo) said...

Is it me or does Adorable Girlfriend actually SOUND like Barbie lately?

Rex: Of course I burned the clothing, they reeked of incense and patchouli..and besides, how many Ani DiFranco t-shirts can a girl have? (I gave a few to Kvatch too, Kvatch is all over Girl Power)
I'm all about Amy Grant now, baby!

February 02, 2006 5:46 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Piscean? Pinot Noir? Patchouli? Ani DiFranco?

I'm sorry, where I went to school (you may have heard of it...a little place called AMERICA?) we weren't taught sissy French philosophy. Or freedom philosophy, even.

February 02, 2006 10:42 PM  

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