REPUBLICANS LAMENT “ADDICTED AMERICA”

GOP Hopes President Inspires Nation to Kick Their Bad Habits

(Washington) A day after former Texas oil man President Bush bravely called America out for their addiction to foreign (but not domestic) oil, other compassionately conservative leaders are responding by “outing” the addictions of others. Within hours of being inspired by the President’s State of the Union Shaming, administration officials and lawmakers were appearing on talk shows, calling press conferences and circulating tax-supported (and thus not lobbyist-bought) newsletters in which the faults of lesser beings were spotlighted.

“America has become addicted to partisanship,” lamented former House majority leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) as a guest of the always unbiased 700 Club Smiting Hour with Pat Robertson. DeLay, whose brilliant scandal-free political career was temporarily sabotaged by a bitterly-partisan local district attorney, knows well the pain of being victimized by those gripped by this nefarious addiction. “The only hope for those affected is to show them the error of their ways, and how much their America-hating hurts America. That, or criminalize the Democratic Party, which, sadly, may be the only way to go.”

From an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney released a statement in which he conceded that “some so-called Americans” are addicted to fear-mongering and, worse, are intent on infecting others with their addiction. “These sky-is-falling leftists would have you believe that we’re losing the war in Iraq, that the NSA is illegally wiretapping American citizens, and that the Supreme Court is intent on outlawing abortions. Let me assure the American people that the only thing we have to fear is fear-mongering itself. That, and the fact that brutal terrorists who want to kill and rape American babies and puppies lurk among us, and only a Republican government can stop them.”

On his top-rated radio show, addiction-free Rush Limbaugh asked Americans to forego two of their deadliest vices: drugs and blaming others for their drug use. “People, as someone whose maid blamed me, if you can believe this, of making her buy painkillers that her non-English speaking ass was using, I can assure you this is a big, big problem.” Limbaugh, an opponent of government intervention into citizens’ personal lives and medical files, suggested that the best means for combating these twin terrors is immigration reform. “It’s illegal immigrants who make the drugs. It’ll illegal immigrants who transport and sell the drugs. Its ungrateful illegal immigrants who refuse to realize its successful taxpayers like me who pay their wages and thus shouldn’t be running off to the feds with information about their employers that’s really none of their damn business.”

Press conferences condemning America’s darkest addictions were called by Attorney General Gonzales (irrational justifications,) Secretary of State Rice (boot-licking,) Senator Trent Lott (racism,) former FEMA director Michael Brown (cronyism,) newly-minted Supreme Court Justice Alito (lack of disclosure,) Barbara and Jenna Bush (underage drinking,) Defense Secretary Rumsfeld (improper planning,) Congresswoman Jean Schmidt (character assassination,) Senator Bill Frist (malpractice,) former Congressman Duke Cunningham (influence peddling,) and Moral Majority founder Timothy LaHaye (religious intolerance.)

On a tour to further his “America Hates Addiction” agenda, President Bush praised the efforts of right-thinking Americans to exorcise the nation’s demons. “As I’ve always said, I’m a uniter, not a divider. Nothing divides families, divides friends, or divides America, like addictions. Unless, of course, you’re addicted to freedom. Like me. Can’t get enough of the stuff. If it came in powdered form, well, I’d snort it off a stripper’s belly. May God continue to bless America.”

Rex Kramer wants to know: What are your addictions? Are they of the America-hating or freedom-loving variety? Leave your comment/confession, or merely speak into the nearest telephone. You'll feel better, trust us.