Tuesday, January 24, 2006

CANADA: COALITION OF CONSERVATISM COMRADES!

Can Calgary Canuck Correct Country’s Commie-Coddling?

(Calgary) For decades now, Canada, a frozen wasteland of draft dodgers and socialized medicine, has suffered “hippie-ish” as a third language and the forced acceptance of every left-wingnut idea, from government-funded late-term abortions to equal rights for all citizens, even the female ones. Ever since the Clintonesque and aptly-named Liberal Party came to power, Canadian citizens have been burdened under a crushing 99% income tax rate, money the government often spent on anti-American initiatives such as “peace” and “health care.” Thus it was with great rejoicing among the world’s democracy-lovers that Canada today threw off her hemp-twined shackles and
elected Calgary Conservative Stephen Harper the next prime minister.


“Finally, a Canadian we can work with,” beamed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who was often given the diplomatic cold-shoulder by the outgoing Paul Martin, possibly due to the color of Rice’s skin or the make-up of her genitalia. “While our countries have always had friendly relations, of late that relationship has been of the ‘let’s just be friends’-type rather than the ‘let’s get drunk and screw”-kind we both want.” Rice was quick to point out that in the analogy she described, America would be taking on the male role, and may or may not call Canada a few days after having sex with her.

Equally excited, but in a completely non-sexual way, was Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who sees the new Canadian paradigm as one that can only benefit national security. “No longer will those who would ignore America’s call for military service be free to sashay across the northern border into Clintonada, excuse me, Canada. When the draft comes, those who hate America but love their marijuana cigarettes and Mick Jagger music will be forced to hunker down in Mexico, or some other communist bloc nation.” Rumsfeld later clarified his otherwise accurate sentiments by stating that a military draft was not necessary, but that “all options are on the table.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan announced that President Bush called the prime minister-elect to offer his congratulations, as well as advice on how to govern a newly-conservative nation. “The President shared his tried-and-true formula for success: consult daily with Jesus, surround one’s self with patriots who think outside-the-box Constitutionally, and blame the liberals for everything. In exchange for this sage wisdom, Mr. Harper agreed to cede Quebec to Texas, and immediately deploy 100,000 Inuit to Baghdad.”

3 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

According to the 1996 Canadian census there were only 41 000 persons identifying themselves as Inuit in all of Canada (regardless of gender and regardless of age). Since it is highly unlikely that just 10 years later there could be enough Inuit to make up a 100,000 fighting force, I would have to say that you sir have, once again, shown your true conservative penchant for making stuff up. At long last have you no decency, man.

January 24, 2006 8:32 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Aha! Once again the liberal mind refuses to accept that 9/11 changed everything. Oh sure, there may be only 41,000 Inuit NOW, but the War on Terrah is never-ending. Surely, future generations of Eski-Canadians will heed freedom's call!

January 24, 2006 8:42 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

Now it is up to Harper to cripple the government by tax cuts for business and the super rich. So much for the eight straight years of budget surplus

January 26, 2006 1:40 AM  

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