CHENEY CONTINUES VICTORY TOUR

Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait Welcome Conquering Hero

(Giza, Egypt) Standing before the Great Pyramid made famous by its’ depiction on the US $1 bill, Vice President Dick Cheney could not but help but wonder what might have happened to the Egyptian monuments had America not stayed the course in Iraq. “If not for the ingenious vision of President Bush, and the brave resiliency of the American soldier, I have no doubt that Saddam’s face would now defile the stoic, freedom-loving countenance of the Sphynx.” The vice president then revealed for the first time that documents found in Hussein’s spider hole described an evil plot to invade and conquer the entire Muslim world. “Thus, it could be said, and frankly should be said, that the US saved Islam. Praise be to Bush.”

Cheney’s arrival in Egypt marks the beginning of the second phase of his “Victory Tour,” in which the vice president is reminding ungrateful leaders throughout the Middle East how fortunate they are to have a friend in America, and by extension, Jesus. During the first leg of his tour, the man who terrifies terrorists graced with his stern yet patriarchal presence Afghanistan and Iraq, two nations who might still be hating freedom if not for the US’ “tough love” form of democracy. On his current swing through the Middle East, Cheney will take time to thank leaders in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait for their steadfast dedication to freedom in the region, as well as secure their continued cooperation in any future war that may or may not involve a radical theocracy bent on developing nuclear weapons.

“I’m hearing rumblings out of Cairo regarding a call for a peaceful solution to the situation in Iran. Quite frankly, myself and Vice President, er, I mean President Bush find this unsettling,” remarked an emotional Cheney, whose parents are rumored to have been murdered by Iranian revolutionaries in 1979. “I feel certain that once I consult with him, President Mubarak will come to see that Tehran only understands force in the form of inbound cruise missiles. Unless, of course, he wants us to start looking for WMDs in his country.”

Saudi Arabia, a nation so grateful for the US’ protection in the first Gulf War that it has adopted the American model of civil liberties, eagerly awaits the arrival of their great American friend, and has gone to great lengths to make his stay as comfortable as possible. A spokesman for the Riyadh Four Seasons reports that a special suite has been appointed for Cheney’s visit. The “Vice Presidential Suite” is furnished entirely with items constructed of petroleum byproducts, and the oversized bathtub features hot-and-cold running crude oil. An Oxford-trained cardiologist will be on standby at all times, and amnesty has already been extended should the Bush administration be overthrown in his absence. “Of course, that is only a precaution,” quickly added the hotel official, who knows which side of his falafel is buttered on. “Everyone knows that everyone in America loves George Bush!”

Preparations for Cheney’s appearance in Kuwait are even more appropriately lavish, befitting the Defense Secretary who stood between them and a lifetime of Iraqi oppression. After paying his respects to the recently deceased Sheik Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah, the idolized vice president will be feted at a dinner with an Islamic Paradise theme, in which he will be pleasured by 40 virgins. The Kuwaitis will, of course, have a team of cardiologists on standby for the event. “Nothing is too good for Cheney of America,” appropriately remarked a Kuwaiti official. “Please, please, don’t bomb us.”