Thursday, January 12, 2006


US Close to Perfecting “Death Star” Technology

(Los Alamos, NM) Pentagon officials today announced that, thanks to the Bush administration’s total commitment to science, any future armed conflict in which the US brings freedom to an oppressive Middle Eastern country that may have recently re-started their nuclear weapons program in defiance of UN resolutions and international treaties (a purely hypothetical scenario) will almost certainly be free of any American casualties. The reason for the justified optimism?

Big, ass-kicking American lasers!

“These ‘lasers,’ or ‘direct-energy weapons,’ can be deployed in space, at sea, on vehicles, or even attached to the heads of sharks,” gleefully explained Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “Tell me, does America not deserve to be protected by
sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads?” Rumsfeld opined that “shock and awe” was “so last invasion,” and said he committed to the program after watching the re-mastered edition of Star Wars, Episode IV.

While many aspects of the top-secret weapon systems remain, rightly so, shrouded in mystery lest they be exposed by irresponsible Democrats and thus give aid and comfort to the enemy, patriotic defense contractors described the program (tentatively named “Project Death Star”) as “more destructive than Bill Clinton at an all-you-can-fondle intern reunion.” While they stress that full dissemination of the weapons is years away, a spokesman for Halliburton Weapon Systems said that, if fully funded, an orbiting “small moon-like” platform could be operational before the end of President Bush’s second term, or at the very latest early in
the President’s third term.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice hailed the weapon’s development as a new tool in the war on uppity terrorist states. “While we as a democracy are a peaceful, non-aggressive nation, theocratic states that thumb their nose at the UN must be made to realize that all options are on the table.” Rice expanded her diplomatic comments by defining one of the options on the table is frying every Iranian like a crispy blackened

Even chronic doves such as Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) praised the latest weapon in America’s freedom-loving arsenal. “I’m for anything that saves American servicemen’s lives, especially a full withdrawal of our troops currently deployed in (comments censored.)”

While Pentagon officials acknowledged that the price tag for the project would be hefty, they confidently have assured the President that Iraqi oil profits would more than cover the costs. “Besides, who can put a price on national security?” reasonably asked Secretary Rumsfeld. “Besides, as you all well know, 9/11 changed everything.”


Blogger Kvatch said...

Obi Wan: "That's no moon. That's a space station with big-ass American lasars."
Han: "Don't be ridiculous, the frickin' Evil Empire couldn't build anything like that..."

January 12, 2006 9:44 PM  
Anonymous Lily said...

"We're gonna need a bigger boat..."

January 12, 2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

I'm sure the Bush administration would find some way to get around the 22nd amendment, just like every other law that stood in their way.

January 12, 2006 10:28 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

O Rex you bum, I was going to do a serious
article on that lasar piece!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to write doom & gloom when you're laughing?
Thanks alot.

January 12, 2006 10:42 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I'm no Star Warsologist, but now that I think about it, was Obi Wan the inspiration for Osama? Consider...

Bearded holy men...wandering the in caves...fighting a powerful foe. Yep, no doubt about it. Alec Guinness hated America.

January 13, 2006 7:47 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

That article you reference on “Big, ass-kicking American lasers!” quotes J. Douglas Beason…a former Bush SCIENCE ADVISOR! (emphasis added). That through me for a moment, until I discovered that they were talking about George H. W. Bush. Junior doesn’t believe in science; I think we all know that.

January 13, 2006 12:13 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

by "through", of course I meant "threw". And by "Junior" of course I meant "The Chimp".

January 13, 2006 12:16 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I hate to rain down facts on your little conspiracy theory, but our Fearless President does in fact have a Science Advisor. In fact, Bush is so devoted to science and technology that his advisor is not even human; it's a high-tech device called a "Magic 8 Ball."

January 13, 2006 12:26 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Did you mean to say Magic HIGHBALL????

January 13, 2006 1:59 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

...mean to say Magic HIGHBALL????

If only that were true... The man so neeeeeds a drink, and I'll mix if he agrees.

January 13, 2006 3:48 PM  
Blogger cookie christine said...

I think he sets his environmental policies by using first a highball, then the white powdery kind of eight ball, then concluding with the "Magic 8 Ball"

We really do owe that high standard of diligence to the earth and all her creatures.

January 13, 2006 3:52 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Nuke all these stupidos who commented here, Rex. They're obviously drunk, as well as stupid. Everyone knows that anything with the word 'laser' in it is good. And Lasersharks are really good.

January 13, 2006 10:45 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Thats right, I forgot the other kind of 8-ball.... that would have been better than 'highball" but hell- they ALL apply...

January 14, 2006 1:45 AM  

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