ISREAL’S SHARON SURVIVES, RAPTURE DELAYED
Plains of Armageddon Still Sadly Apocalypse-Free
(Jerusalem) To the great dismay of those who eagerly await a sword-wielding Jesus, Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon inconveniently failed to die following five hours of radical brain surgery in which amoral stem-cell “science” was most likely liberally applied. Most Christians had hoped that Sharon, whose Islam-appeasing agenda has for years thwarted efforts to bring upon the events that ultimately lead in the inevitable Rapture, would die a horrid death befitting the leader of a people who betrayed, and ultimately killed, Jesus Christ.
News of Sharon’s unfortunate survival was revealed to American Christians (a redundant term if ever there was one) by humble man of God Pat Robertson in a 700 Club News Network special edition. “I am sorry to report that Ariel Sharon has not died,” announced a clearly-shaken Robertson to a deflated nation. “However, doctors say that the Jesus-hating prime minister remains in critical condition. Thus, I say unto you, there is still hope.” Viewers were reasonably asked to pledge cash donations to a fund that would pay for Christian soldiers to travel to Jerusalem and sabotage the city’s power grid, thus disabling the anti-antichrist’s life support equipment.
Despite reports that Sharon may yet still succumb to the cerebral hemorrhage divinely delivered by God, millions of those who eagerly await the blaring of trumpets and the galloping of horsemen were understandably crestfallen. Kirk Cameron, American actor-rapscallion turned born-again megastar and hero of such films as Left Behind, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force and Left Behind III: World at War, expressed the disappointment of all who are impatient for an audience with the Almighty. “I love Jesus with all my heart and all, but, gosh, what kind of God would let a heathen like Sharon live?” Cameron, quickly realizing that he had questioned His wisdom, then stated that he was certain that God would send the Jesus-denying Sharon “the mother of all infections.”
Meanwhile in Washington, administration officials reported that Sharon’s continued refusal to take his rightful place in hell next to his ancestor Judas would in no way interfere with President Bush’s intent to “stay the course” in his preparation for the Return of the King. White House spokesman Scott McClellan in his weekly dictation to the press corps stated, “President Bush, as leader of a nation of born of Christian ideals, will continue as he promised during the campaign to maintain continuous war in the Middle East until such time as the Deceiver reveals himself.” McClellan added that while Sharon’s turn for the “better” was troubling, a recent poll revealed that over 60% of Americans believe it is more than OK for the NSA to intercept communications that may involve the antichrist.
Timothy LaHaye, founder of the Moral Majority and America’s foremost authority on the coming Rapture, echoed the administration’s remarks. “No one wants to shake the hand of Jesus more than I do, but good things come to those who wait. I think that’s in the Bible somewhere.” LaHaye added that even had Sharon blissfully expired, the Rapture was not immediately forthcoming, as he had yet to even begin the book-signing tour for his latest masterpiece, Left Behind XVIII: The Iranian Invasion.
(Jerusalem) To the great dismay of those who eagerly await a sword-wielding Jesus, Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon inconveniently failed to die following five hours of radical brain surgery in which amoral stem-cell “science” was most likely liberally applied. Most Christians had hoped that Sharon, whose Islam-appeasing agenda has for years thwarted efforts to bring upon the events that ultimately lead in the inevitable Rapture, would die a horrid death befitting the leader of a people who betrayed, and ultimately killed, Jesus Christ.
News of Sharon’s unfortunate survival was revealed to American Christians (a redundant term if ever there was one) by humble man of God Pat Robertson in a 700 Club News Network special edition. “I am sorry to report that Ariel Sharon has not died,” announced a clearly-shaken Robertson to a deflated nation. “However, doctors say that the Jesus-hating prime minister remains in critical condition. Thus, I say unto you, there is still hope.” Viewers were reasonably asked to pledge cash donations to a fund that would pay for Christian soldiers to travel to Jerusalem and sabotage the city’s power grid, thus disabling the anti-antichrist’s life support equipment.
Despite reports that Sharon may yet still succumb to the cerebral hemorrhage divinely delivered by God, millions of those who eagerly await the blaring of trumpets and the galloping of horsemen were understandably crestfallen. Kirk Cameron, American actor-rapscallion turned born-again megastar and hero of such films as Left Behind, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force and Left Behind III: World at War, expressed the disappointment of all who are impatient for an audience with the Almighty. “I love Jesus with all my heart and all, but, gosh, what kind of God would let a heathen like Sharon live?” Cameron, quickly realizing that he had questioned His wisdom, then stated that he was certain that God would send the Jesus-denying Sharon “the mother of all infections.”
Meanwhile in Washington, administration officials reported that Sharon’s continued refusal to take his rightful place in hell next to his ancestor Judas would in no way interfere with President Bush’s intent to “stay the course” in his preparation for the Return of the King. White House spokesman Scott McClellan in his weekly dictation to the press corps stated, “President Bush, as leader of a nation of born of Christian ideals, will continue as he promised during the campaign to maintain continuous war in the Middle East until such time as the Deceiver reveals himself.” McClellan added that while Sharon’s turn for the “better” was troubling, a recent poll revealed that over 60% of Americans believe it is more than OK for the NSA to intercept communications that may involve the antichrist.
Timothy LaHaye, founder of the Moral Majority and America’s foremost authority on the coming Rapture, echoed the administration’s remarks. “No one wants to shake the hand of Jesus more than I do, but good things come to those who wait. I think that’s in the Bible somewhere.” LaHaye added that even had Sharon blissfully expired, the Rapture was not immediately forthcoming, as he had yet to even begin the book-signing tour for his latest masterpiece, Left Behind XVIII: The Iranian Invasion.
posted by Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker at Friday, January 06, 2006
16 Comments:
What a riveting blog you have! Enjoying it immensely! BTW, go to Yahoo and type in "Pretrib Rapture Diehards" (noting LaHaye's hypocrisy under the year "1992") to see newly found data re the rapture's history. If you think that MacPherson is wacko - the first reaction of some - type in "Scholars Weigh My Research" to see how leading scholars evaluate his research. At any rate, I really appreciate your stimulating and thought-provoking blog! Jon
Jon, Jon, while we here at SG greatly appreciate your patronage, you should know that we never let so-called "facts" get in the way of a truly great, patriotic story. Don't you have any links to stories about America kicking ass?
Patriotically Yours,
Rex
Let me see, an old man immensly overweight, under investigation for taking bribes (just like all those scuzzball GOPs)has a stroke and you think it's the work of God. People like you are the flaw in your own intelligent design theory.
Lew, I'm sure you're a bright guy and your heart's in the right (ok, left) place, so I'm going to resist the urge to question your education. Instead, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...
(Pssst..this is satire. Don't tell anybody.)
That said, I'm proud to have just received my first "hate-post," even if it was from the wrong audience.
Whew! Thank Jesus I can stop my liberal drivel now. Man I hate those dirty sandal wearin hippies, always bringing us down with their peace and love crap. What they need is a good boot in the ass. Where's Toby Keith when you need him?
Thank goodness all their pot smoking makes it easier to detect.
Thanks, Rex, for coming by and grabbing me, cowboy.
Truer words were rarely spoken, Lily. However, if you're looking for pure, America-loving music, I'd go with Lee Greenwood over Toby Keith. I mean "God Bless the USA" could have been written by W himself...if he weren't busy keeping the world safe for freedom, of course.
As for a "good boot in the ass," you of course know that we patriots aren't in favor of violence. Unless, of course, it's against Osama. You don't know where he's hiding by any chance, do you?
I suspect he's hiding with that punkass Neil Shakespeare. I don't see that guy in a uniform. He needs a boot as well.
And you are right- violence is a bunch of Darwinist evolution crap. "Survival of the Fittest" Pshaw!!!
(loses another tooth)
Leave Lew alone. He's probably high.
He only blogs with me because I pay him to be my friend.
Pay him to be your friend? C'mon, Lily, go find yourself a solid, American hero. I hear Bill O'Reilly's available!
As for Lew, once he comes to his senses, tell him he's welcome here anytime. Besides, we here at SG stock the best munchies; a healthy helping of America wrapped up in a deep-fried slab of Jesus!
Rex,
Now Kirk, there's a man's name...
Sharon.. not so much
-Cp
Speaking of Kirk Cameron and his oscar worthy (he will never get one in liberal, christ hating hollywood) performances in the left behind series, Lou gossett jr. is making a comeback in the latest left behind flick "World at War." Nice. I am guessing his character doesn't take any guff from anyone and has absolutely no time for nonsense.
man i love seeing you go through the idiot visitor problem, you seem to get more than I do, which is entirely not fair, and I intend to complain.
I've come back with me tail between my legs. I now see you as the super patriot you are and I was wrong to question or even doubt that you anything but 100% AMERICAN! I feel rather sheepish of having the dubious distinction of being the first negative comment, but you were the only person brave enough to leave your URL at my post at LTN, so I picked on you, not seeing the greatness of your work. If I bookmark you, may I be forgiven?
I'm Pat Robertson, and I approved this message.
Lew, if Jesus taught me anything, it's how to kick some terrorist ass. Wait, no! That's not it...it was how to turn the other cheek.
Now, get that tail out from between your legs. You look like a Frenchman.
Yeah, Lew probably shops at freakin TARGET too. You know how they are.
He's not getting his check this week.
Lew is just sensitive because he is the primary source of my hatemail.
But at least people READ what he writes.
This is what I get "I like your comments, but your posts put me to sleep.zzzzzzzz". Nice.
I will pay Blogenfreude to be my new friend now, in the form of clicking on Agitprop ads all afternoon.
I think I'm going to skip reading the
Satire
and just read your comments Rex. Great Stuff!
Kudos to Lew for having the guts to forfeit his weekly check from Lily.
I've put some comments in some posts in the blogosphere, thinking it's posh & flair, and go back the next day and wonder if I should check myself in to Rehab again....
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