Saturday, December 31, 2005


Bush Cites NSA, Rendition For Saving American Lives

Note: Unlike other, less patriotic media sources, Spurious George does not irresponsibly disclose any sensitive information vital to national security and which might give aid and comfort to the enemy. All facts contained in this story were provided an approved by the appropriate federal government agencies.

(Unspecified Location) “If you wake up tomorrow morning without being blown to smithereens, you could, and I might point out, should thank President Bush,” properly announced Vice President Dick Cheney during a hastily-arranged news conference from one of his many privately-funded hardened bunkers. “Had it not been for his clear vision and leadership, and his steadfast determination to stand up to those who would cut and run, it is doubtful that any of us would be alive to celebrate the New Year.”

While Cheney could have been describing any of the number of times the president has saved this great nation from those who would do us harm, he was in this instance alluding to the administration’s brilliant thwarting of al Qaeda’s planned “Y2K6” attacks, a series of cowardly blasts against soft targets throughout the US that was scheduled to be executed at midnight tonight.

“Had Y2K6 gone off as scheduled, everyone would forget all about 9/11, and how that day changed everything,” astutely remarked the vice president. “Even President Bush, who has never forgotten 9/11, might have forgotten 9/11. And I can not stress enough that he has never forgotten 9/11. 9/11 has not been forgotten. Nor has he forgotten how 9/11 changed everything. On 9/11.”

Correctly citing national security concerns, government officials would not, unlike the New York Times, reveal how the insipid plot was discovered. However, it is widely accepted that the masterful and well-oiled anti-terrorism intelligence system conceived by Bush in the days after 9/11 saved the day. While some less-patriotic critics have recently whined about the system’s supposed violations of so-called “civil rights,” Department of Justice officials correctly point out that subjective civil rights would be of little use to cities littered with the scorched corpses of millions.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales reported that hundreds of al Qaeda operatives living inside the United States were rounded up with hours of the plot’s discovery, and were subsequently and legally transported to Uzbekistan, where intelligence officials in that country will use their effective interrogation methods to learn more about the dastardly scheme. Said Gonzales, “While we can not identify the suspects, or discuss the evidence against them, or indicate how that evidence was obtained, or who obtained the evidence, or even if such so-called evidence exists, we can say with confidence that America is safer because these evil-doers no longer lurk among us. If they ever existed, that is. This conversation never happened.”

Despite the heroic efforts on the part of our benevolent government, Homeland Security officials today took the logical step of elevating the nation’s threat level to “infa-red.” Explained Michael Chertoff during a break in his tireless efforts to raise New Orleans from the rubble, “This nation is always at risk, and danger doesn’t take off for federal holidays. Americans should always be on alert and, quite frankly, afraid.” Chertoff also wished all Americans a Happy New Year, but advised that they do so with one eye open at all times.


Blogger Stacy said...

You are a dangerous liberal!

Have a happy, safe, undangerous and uber-patriotic New Years.

I am off to go set off red, white and blue fireworks in my basement to show the terrorists that they did NOT win!

And you know, 9/11 changed everything.


December 31, 2005 5:58 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...


As you no doubt know, most fireworks (even, sadly, red, white and blue ones,) are manufactured by the Chinese. While not terrorists per se, they are no friends of freedom.

Might I suggest a more patriotic way to bring in the new year? Consider purchasing a humvee, filling it only with super-high-octane gasoline, and spending some of the money you kept thanks to Bush's tax cuts to purchase undervalued Enron stock. This will indeed show the terrorists what's what.



December 31, 2005 6:21 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Rex, you do like to live dangerously, don't you. Big Brother doesn't like being made fun of. I tip my sheepskin hat to you — you've got cookies, which means you've no doubt got a few government cookies on your pc. ;-)

BTW, I was disappointed that your list of favorite movies in your profile doesn't have Mother, May I Sleep with Danger on it. I have no idea what it's about, but it's got to be the silliest title I've ever heard.

Happy New Year...

December 31, 2005 11:30 PM  
Blogger Comandante Agí said...

Woof woof Happy New year!

December 31, 2005 11:44 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I think it's important to note that while it is not illegal to use information obtained by torture it probably cannot be used in court. Of course, once your testicles have been reduced to the consistency of dried prunes, that probably is of little consolation.

January 01, 2006 12:50 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Abi...government cookies? Sounds like a new entitlement program. Isn't cheese enough for these people?

Dude...courts? We don't need no stinking courts! In case you didn't hear, our fearless leader has declared himself judge, jury and executioner. About time, if you ask me.

January 01, 2006 9:46 AM  

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