Monday, December 26, 2005

2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Spurious George Looks Back On How America Kicked Ass

Editor’s Note: In this first of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at January, February and March, and comes to the inescapable conclusion that democracy rocks.

January 1: US aid to victims of the Indian Ocean tsunamis continues to divert funds earlier earmarked for much-needed tax cuts. To date, Americans have yet to receive so much as a “thank you” card for ungrateful third-worlders.

January 2: The Washington Post irresponsibly reports that the US government is prepared to detain terrorists, without charge, for life. The vast majority of Americans correctly surmise that this is sound policy.

January 6: The attempt of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) to thwart the mandate of the people is defeated, and President George Bush’s glorious re-election is certified by Congress.

January 8: The USS San Francisco runs aground off Guam. In his courts-martial, the nuclear sub’s captain admits that he is a registered Democrat, and thus, hates America.

January 10: In an unmerited show of mercy, CBS News staffers that dared questioned President Bush’ service record are merely terminated instead of executed. It is rumored that Bush himself, citing Christian values, intervenes on the traitors’ behalf.

January 12: US intelligence officials left over from the Clinton administration erroneously report that no WMDs have been found in Iraq.

January 17: Seymour Hersch, writing for the treasonous New Yorker magazine, slanderously alleges that the Bush administration intends to invade Iran. Not only is his column proven to be a partisan-inspired pack of lies, but the invasion of Iran is postponed for approximately one year.

January 20: President Bush takes his place amongst this nation’s greatest leaders, as he is inaugurated for his second term as leader of the free world.

January 25: Republican-controlled Congress happily gives President Bush $80 billion to continue his wildly-successful liberation of Iraq. The $280 billion spent thus far is described as “cheap by any definition.”

January 26: The US Supreme Court, once again legislating from the bench, decides to allow Terri Schiavo to die a gruesome, inhumane death. The bastards.

January 30: Iraq holds their first dictator-free election in 50 years. 44 Iraqis willingly give their lives to the cause of sweet, sweet freedom.

February 2: An investigation conducted by US military intelligence officials rightly determine that no systematic abuse of detainees at Guantanamo Bay took place. Detention facility’s name officially changed to “Club Gitmo.”

February 2: President Bush delivers a State of the Union Address for the ages. Support for allowing Bush a third term grows.

February 4: Alberto Gonzales is confirmed as US Attorney General and, despite being Hispanic, immediately begins to love freedom.

February 6: The New England Patriots win Super Bowl XXXIX, once again proving that patriots kick ass.

February 12: Howard Dean is elected chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Republican dominance over all three branches of government is immediately assured for all eternity.

February 16: The Kyoto Protocol, addressing the myth of global warming, comes into effect. Globe seems to have to same temperature as the day before.

February 19: National embarrassment Jimmy Carter christens the USS Jimmy Carter, which later runs aground on wreckage left off the coast of Guam by the USS San Francisco.

February 20: America-hater Hunter Thompson commits suicide. Cold Warrior Richard Nixon, through a medium, does a little jig.

February 23: President Bush visits and liberates Slovakia.

March 1: In Roper v. Simmons, the activist US Supreme Court rules that the execution of those less than 18 years of age, even brutal white-woman killing terrorists, is illegal. No, seriously, they did.

March 3: Martha Stewart is released from prison after patriotically refusing to reveal the source of a story that outed a CIA administrative secretary.

March 7: John Bolton is nominated as US ambassador to the UN, and is universally lauded world-wide as the “right man, at the right time, in the right place, with the right mustache.”

March 8: Mt. St. Helens erupts after a 25 year sleep. Military official rightfully begin searching the site for Iraqi WMDs.

March 15: Out-of-the-mainstream Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) falsely accused President Bush of hiding Halliburton overcharges in Iraq. Patriotic Halliburton officials release to the freedom-hating Waxman copies of all their invoices, at the reasonable fee of $1,298.64 per copy.

March 20: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice arrives in and liberates China.

March 23: An explosion at a BP oil refinery in Texas injures 100, kills 15. Military official rightfully begin searching the site for Iraqi WMDs.

March 24: The US Supreme Court, still legislating from the bench, refuses to hear an appeal filed on behalf of the heroic Terri Schiavo. May God have mercy on their cold, secular souls.

March 27: The “War On Easter” is defeated.

March 31: Terri Schiavo dies. Hope you’re happy, you liberal bastards.

Coming Soon: The freedom-loving year in review, part deux

4 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

Rex, Rex, Rex, you lunatic. You didn’t even list what was maybe the story of the year (Jan., 13): Prince Harry wearing a Nazi uniform costume at a friend's costume party. Or was it a costume? You tell me! I hear that many in the Bush administration have similar “costumes” they are planning to wear any day now.


The Blue Republic

December 26, 2005 2:02 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Tis' true that Bush is considering issuing uniforms to his senior administration officials, but Nazi gear? Too predicatble. No, King George is said to favor the livery worn by British officers of the late 18th century (powdered wigs optional. For now.)

December 26, 2005 4:47 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I can't wait for part 2...when is it coming???!
(hopefully before we invade Iran or Syria,...or Ven...whatever)

December 27, 2005 5:16 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

AJ,

Ask and ye shall receive.

As for the next country we liberate, well, I'd be betraying my sources if I leaked that info. However, I will give you a hint.

It has a large, unprotected border, and rhymes with "Texaco."

I've probably said too much.

December 27, 2005 6:44 PM  

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