Saturday, December 24, 2005

EVE OF DESTRUCTION

Christmas Hero O’Reilly Prepares For Battle

(Undisclosed Location) EDITOR’S NOTE: On the eve of his greatest battle, General Bill O’Reilly sat down with Spurious George’s own intrepid reporter Rex Kramer for an exclusive, no-spin interview.

KRAMER: “Thank you, General O’Reilly, for imbedding me with your troops on this historic day. Now, some people, not me of course, but some people who obviously hate freedom are saying the War On Christmas in an unnecessary war, one based on faulty intelligence. How do you respond?”

O’REILLY: “Please. Unnecessary war? Millions of Americans are fed up, angry that Christmas is under siege by secular forces, and some are fighting back. Some may question our intelligence, but I feel confident that once the brutal secular forces are overthrown, the world will be a safer place.”

KRAMER: “No doubt, General, no doubt. Tell our readers, who are the enemies? Do they lurk among us?”

O’REILLY: “The secular menace is everywhere, Rex, but they’re of course concentrated in the “blue states.” In Saginaw, Michigan, the township opposes red and green clothing on anyone. In Saginaw Township they basically said anybody, we don’t want you wearing red or green. I would dress up from head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw Michigan.

KRAMER: “I see that your soldiers’ uniforms are indeed red, green, and I might add, jingle-belled. Can you tell our read-“

O’REILLY: “Let me finish. In Dodgeville, Wisconsin, the Ridgewood Elementary School has changed the song Silent Night to Cold in the Night and forced the kids to sing the lyrics, “Cold in the night, No one in sight, Winter winds whirl and bite,” to the tune of the original Silent Night. The sheer blasphemy!”

KRAMER: “Secular bastards! But General, is military action really warranted? Is there no other course of action available to Christians?

O”REILLY: “Rex, we have exhausted all avenues of resolution. We went to the UN, but as John Bolton has not yet completed the massive overhaul that liberal institution so badly needs, we were thwarted by the secular forces there. We filed federal lawsuits, but the heretical ACLU has fought us at every turn. No, I’m afraid it must be war.”

KRAMER: “Understandable, General, very understandable. Now, this is clearly a new kind of war. How will we know when we’ve achieved victory?”

O’REILLY: “I’m glad you asked that. We will have achieved victory when stores like Target and Wal-Mart bow down to our forces. Here's what people want. They want to walk into the store and see 'Merry Christmas'. That's the litmus test.”

KRAMER: “Well said, sir. Good luck to you and your troops, General O’Reilly, and of course, Merry Christmas.”

O’REILLY: “Thank you, Rex. With God’s help, this may be the merriest Christmas of all.”

5 Comments:

Blogger Dude said...

Rex, Rex, Rex....you are quite insane you know. I've only read a few of your articles and my diagnosis isn't quite complete, but you definitely are whacko. Keep up the good work.

The Blue Republic

December 24, 2005 2:37 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

A stirring, even patriotic call to battle on this Yul--I mean--Christmas Eve. I feel called to rush right out, find me a godless secularist, and kick his ass. Fortunately, here in Babylon by the Bay, the heathen are everywhere. :-)

We've noticed that you've blogrolled our humble sheet, and we shall reciprocate, so that we may go forth together and battle for rightiousness.

Merry-frickin'-XMas, you old sausage.

December 24, 2005 3:17 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

"Blogroll?"

Is that some kind of long-hair hippie lingo?

Merry Christmas, you magnificent bastards. Now, let's go firebomb a Wal-Mart. Who's with me?

December 24, 2005 7:33 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Merry Christmas Rex,

and thanks for the Kudos on the post.
Keep up the great work, I'll be looking forward to also reading you in the NY times later next year...

December 24, 2005 7:44 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Blogroll?

In a way, you are right. It's a kind of roll served in the sushi joints out here in Soddom by the Sea. Blog is a deep see fish on the verge of extinction from overfishing. But none to tasty I might add, as you would expect from a fish call a "Blog".

December 25, 2005 10:27 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home