Friday, December 23, 2005

EX-DEM SENATOR BEARS FALSE WITNESS

“Sour Grapes” Daschle Slanders Bush, America

(Pierre, SD) Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD,) still bitter over his 2004 ouster from office, today libelously lashed out at President Bush, and thus all freedom-loving Americans, in a fable reported by the ultra-liberal Washington Post. The Post, most often used for fish-wrap and insulation for America’s few homeless, today irresponsibly printed Daschle’s treasonous denial of ever being informed about the Bush administration’s heroic use of NSA technology to foil numerous terrorist plots that included the intended bombing of inner city pre-schools.

It appears to many that Daschle, best remembered for his pathetic 2001 attempt to gain national attention by mailing himself an envelope laced with anthrax, is so desperate to see his name in print again that he felt compelled to bear false witness against the government he once served, as well as betray the security of the nation. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, Daschle has alleged that he was “never, not one time, informed that the National Security Agency even existed.” The needy former senator went on to say that the World Trade Center was bombed by the US military, that al Qaeda is a myth created by Bill Gates, and that the Russians have put fluoride into our nation’s water supply for the purpose of controlling our bodily fluids.

“Tom Daschle was out of the mainstream in 2004, and in 2005 he’s out of his mind,” accurately remarked current Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN.) “As a physician who has examined videotape of the former senator, I can say with complete confidence that he has lost all higher brain function.” In support of his sound diagnosis, Frist produced a declassified NSA document that summarizes an October 2004 conversation between Daschle and his psychotherapist. Frist also released to the media a listing of all medications prescribed to the former senator, as well as a number of medications he may have obtained through street dealers.

Vice President Dick Cheney, took time away from his meeting with coalition of the freedom-loving leaders in Muscat, Oman to further address Daschle’s treason. “I personally briefed former Senator Daschle, on a daily basis and in great detail, on the president’s patriotic plan to keep America safe. It pains me to see him now place petty politics above the security of the fatherland.” Cheney’s office later released a transcript of one such meeting with Senate leaders, in which Daschle stated that he “completely understood and agreed” that the US is fighting a new kind of war, and in which he swore that he loved both America and freedom. “Obviously,” remarked the Vice President, “Mister Daschle is not a man of his word.” Cheney went on the say that he wished the obviously-demented S=Daschle no ill will, and that he received the help he so desperately needed.

Daschle, currently residing in a mansion subsidized by ACLU lobbyists, could not be reached for comment. However, Senator John Kerry (D-MA,) another sore loser whose integrity was decimated by his former swift boat mates in 2004, stood up for his former colleague. “Even if the president’s plan foils 999 out of a thousand terrorist plots, is it worth it if one single person’s call to their grandmother in Baghdad is intercepted? I think not.” Senator Kerry later presided over a Boston civil ceremony in which a gay pedophile couple was “married” during a break in a “Free Joseph Padilla” rally.

3 Comments:

Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Damn Daschle. Say, you're not related to Nick Danger, are you?

December 23, 2005 5:39 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I knew Nick Danger. Nick Danger was a friend of mine, and I, sir, am no Nick Danger.

Ok, actually I had to Google "Nick Danger"...upon viewing a few associated sites, it appears Nick and I may have a kinship. I'll check the family tree.

December 23, 2005 5:49 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Nick Danger, Third Eye. Entertained us many a night on Firesign Theatre. Say hi to him if you see him. And best to you and yours for the holidays. Oh, and that O'Reilly thing above is great. General Bill...he's quite the kook, ain't he?

December 24, 2005 7:59 PM  

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