Thursday, December 15, 2005


AZ Senator Reluctantly Agrees To Torture Ban

(Washington) Senator John McCain (R-AZ,) a longtime proponent of the cruel but effective torture of enemy combatants, today announced he would no longer oppose the administration’s proposed ban on such activities. McCain, who as a young Navy lieutenant acting entirely on his own personally tortured scores of Vietnamese women and children in the late 1960’s, had until a recent meeting with President Bush defended the few bad apples who had employed inhuman interrogation techniques on defenseless inmates in Cuba, Iraq and Afghanistan. However, after meeting and praying with the president, McCain revealed to a stunned audience at the White House’s Amnesty International Annex that he had finally realized the error of his ways.

Somberly shared McCain, “My good friend President Bush, through the sound and eloquent logic skills he learned as the captain of the Yale debate team and the power of his faith in Christ, has shown me that as powerful and effective as the waterboard may be, it is not the American, and thus Christian, thing to do.”

McCain’s flip-flop on the issue brings to an end a months-long impasse with the Bush administration, which has repeatedly insisted that the US adopt a zero-tolerance policy regarding cruel and inhumane treatment of its’ prisoners. The Senate had earlier passed such a bill by a 99-1 vote, but the president had vowed to veto the resolution unless McCain, the alleged mastermind of the rendition program, reversed his sole opposing vote.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who in his rare free time counsels both torture victims and Hurricane Katrina survivors, praised the hawkish McCain’s change of heart. “Finally the United States can show a united front in the opposition of torture. Thanks to Senator McCain and the president, I now firmly believe that in future wars, we will indeed be welcomed as heroes.”

Unfortunately, the senior Arizona senator’s yield to the wisdom of the commander-in-chief was not universally hailed. Reached at her Ft. Leavenworth jail cell, Army Pvt. Lynndie England lashed out at her alleged former master. “What I did at Abu Gharib I did because of John McCain,” sobbed the former bad-apple prison guard. “To see him cave in like this, well, it makes me want to keep voting Democrat.”


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