Friday, December 09, 2005


Plea To Save Life, Reduce Number Of Virgins In Heaven

(Baghdad) To many Americans weary of judges legislating from the bench, Saddam Hussein’s recent courtroom shenanigans have been almost too much to bear. However, according to a former assistant US attorney general under the Jesus-like John Ashcroft, the former bloody dictator’s theatrics may ultimately dispel the false accusations unjustly thrust upon the Bush administration by John Murtha, Michael Moore, and other enemies of freedom. “Saddam knows where the WMDs are,” confidently expressed the anonymous patriotic former official, “and he wants to talk.”

According to the official, Hussein is merely employing a classic delaying tactic, while his team of lawyers negotiate a plea bargain that will result in the detailed location of the mountains of mushroom cloud-producing munitions the former “Butcher of Baghdad” was known to possess prior to the heroically successful liberation of Iraq. “Trust me, when all is said and done, Saddam will sing like Lee Greenwood,” truthfully professed the former legal defender of America’s just laws. “By Christmas, we’ll know the location of every gram of anthrax, every ounce of sarin gas, and every megaton of uranium.”

These sentiments were shared by many who keep America safe for God-fearing Christian people every day. Mark Fuhrman, this country’s most revered detective and an expert on courtroom testimony, remarked that Hussein’s actions speak volumes about his intentions. “Everything he does, from his animated behavior, to the lack of a necktie, to the comment that he hasn’t changed his underwear in days, says that he’s relaxed and ready to share.” Fuhrman, whose gravitas has swung the tide of many undecided jurors, went on to explain that even Saddam’s constant display of the Koran is an indication of where the trial is heading. “By gripping a false holy book, he is communicating that he knows he has been deceitful, and that when given the chance to swear upon a Holy Bible, will be compelled to speak the truth, possibly for the first time in his life.”

While prosecutors, being advised by American legal hero Kenneth Starr, refuse to comment on any pending, or possibly imminent plea bargain, those with knowledge of the events and with close ties to the Bush administrations believe that ultimate redemption for the liberation is at hand. “My Georgie never lies,” testified the matronly insider who once served patriotically under the previous Bush administration. “If he said Saddam had nucular weapons, Saddam had nucular weapons.” According to the same source, Saddam’s testimony will reduce in a reduced sentence that will ultimately spare his life, but will also result in a reduced number of virgins to serve him in heaven, as well as court costs.


Blogger Omnipotent Poobah said...

Life! Plus time served!


December 09, 2005 9:51 PM  

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