1000th EXECUTION EXTRAVAGANZA MOVED TO NC

2005 Elections “Blew It’ For Virginia’s Chances

(Richmond) Thanks to fickle Virginia voters, Robin Lovitt’s place in history has been relegated to a mere footnote, instead of the lethally-shocking exclamation point it was to be. Lovitt, convicted in 1999 of stabbing to death a pool hall employee, was to become the nation’s 1,000th executed prisoner since the Supreme Court, in a rare moment of patriotism, re-instituted the death penalty in 1976. However, Virginia’s election of a Democrat governor has forced the federal government to grant the much-coveted milestone to North Carolina. “It’s just not fair,” lamented Lovitt from his cell. “I mean, they had the party all ready to go an all. They made a commemorative bobble-head of me and everything!” Lovitt added that had he known his place in history would be denied, he never would have, like all killers, voted Democrat.

Governor Mark Warner (D-VA,) a vocal foe of the death penalty except when fetuses are involved, in a face-saving gesture announced that he had issued a stay for Lovitt’s execution. However, top White House officials conceded that the stay order came from a higher office. Said the anonymous deputy chief of staff, “Let’s just say the boss felt the honor belonged to a more right-thinking state.” The official added, “To be clear, this is just a stay. Don’t worry, Lovitt’s going to die.”

Now Kenneth Lee Boyd, a North Carolina man convicted of killing his wife and father in law, is due to be the recipient of the high honor. NC Governor Michael Easley, despite being a Democrat, reported that there are no barriers to impede Boyd’s big day. “The courts have all said this one’s a go.” Both of North Carolina’s US Senators are god-fearing Republicans, and will fete thousands of guests in the hours leading up to Boyd’s death. “Virginia’s loss is our gain,” gushed Senator Burr (R-NC.) “This is the best thing to happen to North Carolina since the death of affirmative action!” Added Senator Elizabeth Dole (R-NC,) “When you stop and think that we’ve lost twice as many of our boys in Iraq than we’ve killed here stateside, well, it makes you thank God that soon the Supreme Court will stop legislating from the bench.”

Boyd, who like Lovitt is a registered Democrat, expressed his gratitude for being allowed to enter the history books. “Any killer can be 999th, but it takes a special kind of killer, a North Carolina killer, to be number 1,000. God bless America!”