Friday, November 25, 2005

Pentagon Declares Media “Legitimate Targets”

(Washington) In an exclusive interview with patriotic Fox News, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that during wartime, media outlets that provide aid and comfort to the enemy are legitimate targets and subject to some well-deserved shocking and awing. While not confirming that President Bush had been treacherously dissuaded from bombing the headquarters of al Qaeda mouthpiece Al Jazeera, Secretary Rumsfeld declared that outside-the-mainstream networks would “do well to do less America bad-mouthing, and a hell of a lot more shut-upping.”

Rumsfeld, whom many consider a possible running mate for VP Dick Cheney in 2008, assured news outlets that provide stories from the battlefield in a “fair and balanced way” had no reason to be concerned about the military’s new policy, but warned that the more America-hating networks are either “with us or against us.” The Secretary declined to identify which outlets met that criteria, but hinted that if he had his way, “Dan Rather would be shaking hands with Saddam’s kids right about now in the deepest bowels of hell.”

Es expected, the Pentagon’s reasonable policy was baselessly attacked by leaders of the left-wing media conglomerate. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, who allegedly supports the ACLU’s attempts to force our soldiers to wear pink uniforms, feebly denounced Rumsfeld, and by extension, all freedom-loving Americans, by calling his heroic announcement “Stalinesque.” Blizter’s comment was curious, considering that he, like almost all CNN staff, are active Communist Party members.

In a related story, the National Rifle Association today endorsed the ratification of a bill that would ban all journalists from possessing any firearms. NRA president Sandy Froman stated that the association customarily fights vigorously for the right of all Americans to possess weapons, but that the NRA drew the line at those who would wish harm upon this country’s brave soldiers. Said Froman, “The NRA supports the right of all law-abiding Americans to possess guns. However, the last time I checked treason was a law, and one, I might add, that the so-called ‘mainstream media’ has broken repeatedly.” Froman then revealed the NRA’s newest approved marksman target, a head and torso replica of CNN reporter and enemy of freedom-loving people everywhere, Anderson Cooper. Froman remarked that in addition to treason, she is almost certain that Cooper has repeatedly violated local sodomy laws, most likely with domestic animals.


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