Pat Robertson: Pennsylvania “On God’s List”

(Bible Belt) Rev. Pat Robertson, moral conscious of the nation and uncanny diviner of God’s will, today revealed that in his most recent conversation with Jesus, the Lord informed him that the entire state of Pennsylvania may soon feel His angry wrath. According to Robertson, who normally shies from injecting his superior Christian morals into the secular world, recent events within the Keystone State have angered heaven, and may have even signaled the coming of the “End of Days.”

Robertson cited the off-year election that ousted a Dover, PA pro-intelligent design school board as the first sign of blasphemy. “Well, I suppose those who were descended from monkeys were giddy about that, but I assure you, Jesus Christ, who descended from heaven and not, as some would argue, a red-assed baboon, was not.” Robertson, long rumored to be #2 on Jesus’ speed-dial, then identified the cowardly call by longtime Pennsylvania congressman John Murtha to pull our Holy Warriors from the land of the infidels as “an affront to God and all of the blessed and brave crusaders from the ages.”

Still, Robertson stated, he believed that the majority of Pennsylvanians were decent, upstanding Christians; that is, until he read the most recent polls regarding the 2006 Senate race, which show Christian hero and friend of the unborn, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) lagging behind his baby-killing, Darwin-embracing challenger. “Let me just say this to the people of Pennsylvania,” kindly worded the usually apolitical Robertson, “if you replace a God-fearing man like Rick Santorum with a man who, more than likely, lies down with men and might even be Jewish, well, don’t be surprised if the Lord doesn’t have something for your asses.”

Reached for comment at a hospice for rescued fetuses, Santorum thanked the Reverend, but conceded that it might be too late to save his people. “Let’s be honest, the largest city in my state is named for homosexual love, something called “Mummers” prance around once a year adorned in large feathered get-ups, and now John Murtha has evidently come out of the closet. As much as I hate to say it, my adopted state may as well be called Pennsyl-Gay-Nia.” Santorum refused to comment, however, that if defeated and Pennsylvania is subsequently and almost certainly cast into the pit of fire, he would run for office in a more patriotic state. “Right now my focus is on serving the people of this state for the remainder of my term. As for after the Rapture, well, let’s just say I may be absent from my worldly duties.