Marines: Murtha Doesn’t Speak For Us!

(Philadelphia) A gathering a combat-veteran Marines issued a statement regarding longtime Congressional dove John Murtha’s demand that the US military “cut and run like Frenchman” from Iraq, and that clear and patriotic statement was, “You don’t speak for us, comrade!”

Group co-spokesman Lt. Col Rush Limbaugh (USMC-Ret,) summarized the group’s sentiments when he bellowed, “Once a Marine, always a Marine. That’s our credo, but evidently Momma’s Boy Murtha believes otherwise. I suppose according to him it should be, ‘once a Marine, eventually a coward.’ Pathetic.” Limbaugh, who once commandeered a Navy swift boat from a thumb-sucking junior officer and subsequently earned three Purple Hearts in the combat that followed, knows the importance of staying the course. “We all wanted to stay in Nam and finish the job. It was those chicken-hawks back home, people like Congressman Murtha, that pulled us away from certain victory.”

Added co-spokesman Major Bill O’Reilly (USMC-Ret,) “Was Murtha ever really a Marine? He sure doesn’t sound like one to me.” O’Reilly, who’s served as the model for Mel Gibson’s character in “We Were Soliders,” was especially, and rightfully, disgusted by those who have referred to Murtha as a “hawk” among Democrats. “That’s like saying someone’s brave amongst a gaggle of Frenchmen. This is the same man who voted 187,346,852 times to cut defense spending. I think I’m right about that.”

The group, calling itself Marines Opposing Murtha’s Mealy-mouthed Yammerings (MOMMY,) appropriately gathered at Philadelphia’s Independence Hall to draw up their resolution, which they titled, “Declaration of Independence, Emancipation from Doom-saying Elitist Muslim-loving Saddam-apologists (DIEDEMS.)” This document was flown to Washington in a plane donated by the freedom-loving people at Halliburton, placed in a brown paper bag with a tightly-coiled pile of ostrich dung, and burned on the front porch of Murtha’s favorite flower shop.

“My God, what a pussy!” said member Jean Schmidt, a retired Marine Major General and current congressperson extraordinaire from Ohio, of alleged former Marine Murtha. “We had a word for those kind of people when I was fighting the Kaiser in France, and that word was liver-bellied nilly-willies. If people like that had their way, they’d be speaking Prussian in my district today. Well, he can go back to Canada, cuddle up with Francois LePansy and nibble brie and sip bordeaux with Jane Fonda!”

With the group’s support, loyal Republican House members yesterday put to a vote a resolution that would authorize the creation of a “way-back” machine that would allow US troops to be withdrawn from Iraq two weeks ago. As expected, those who would cut and run failed to back the resolution, demonstrating once again that the Democratic party is completely outside the mainstream and lack the courage of their convictions, or for that matter, any courage at all.