Friday, November 11, 2005

Bush to Americans: 63% “Not a Mandate”

(Tobyhana, PA) Addressing a military audience, a robust and strikingly virile President Bush today lashed out at those who doubt his visionary plan for Iraq. “In this never-ending war, we need, more than ever, unificationship if we are to see it to its’ eventual end.” Noting the complete lack of Democrats at the event, the President remarked that the faith a little more than half the voters gave him in 2004 had been validated. “I don’t see John Kerry here today, do y’all? He might have served in Vietnam, maybe, I don’t know. What I do know is that he and his party hate every one of you here today.”

Even amongst those who might, if possible, be more patriotic than him, Bush felt obligated to address the short-sighted few who, for reasons known only to them and their welfare case workers, feel compelled to question his uncanny wisdom. “Some say, if you believe those polls they show, that some people, maybe even a majorityness, think that maybe I’m not doing so swell a job.” The revelation that such blasphemy existed caused an audible hush to flow over the previously silent gathering. “But I say to them that 63% is not a mandate, not by any definition. To that small percentage of nay-sayers, I say, ‘bring it on!”

As the massed troops erupted in spontaneous cheers as if on cue, a few grizzled veterans were visibly teared-up by the President’s eloquence. “That may have been the best speech ever!” gushed a judicial-looking Major General who identified herself as “Marriet Hiers.” Continued Hiers, “I’d follow that man anywhere, even if it meant dragging my name through the mud and eventually resigning in disgrace!”

Another officer, who asked to be identified only as “Dick C” as he is currently assigned to a sensitive position at an undisclosed location, rightfully praised Bush’s adherence to his vision. “This insurgency thing is in its’ last throes, quite frankly, and the Vice President, I mean the President, needs to see this thing through. Anyone who thinks otherwise, well, should go (censored) himself.”

In an unrelated event, Republican Senate leaders today announced that ongoing operations in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere that you don’t need to know about have forced them to make deep deficit-reducing cuts to the budget. Entitlement programs such as Medicare, Medicaid, the Dover, Pennsylvania public “school” budget, and most veterans’ programs, have all been eliminated.


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