Thursday, November 10, 2005

Senators: Price Gouging “Good for America”

(Washington) Arriving today at the Capitol Building in enormous American-built SUVs, Senators prepared to grill the heads of the nation’s top five retail gasoline producers regarding their record profits during a time when the price of a gallon of gas has hit record highs. Sen. Pete Dominici (R-NM,) for example, arranged a nice floral centerpiece for the witness table, while Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-HI) made sure each executive’s complimentary fruit basket contained only the freshest of pineapple.

Asked to explain his company’s $10 billion profit in the third quarter, at a time when much of the nation paid $3 dollars or more per gallon at the pumps, ExxonMobil chairman Lee Raymond patriotically remarked, “Every dollar spent on American oil means one less dollar for the Saudis, and by extension, the bin Ladens.” The subcommittee members seemed relieved by this heroic statement, and adjourned to a Roman-style feast.

At the post-feast orgy hosted by the good people of the “Oil Up America!” political action committee, a naked and Texas crude-slathered Tom Coburn (R-OK) scolded those who view Big Oil as short-sighted greed vacuums. “Oil folks have to feed their families, too. Are liberals in favor of spreading hunger? Go ask Ted Kennedy.”

Attempts to the America-hating Kennedy (D-MA) were unsuccessful; a spokesman reported that the Senator was busy sulking about not being invited to the party.


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