Saturday, November 12, 2005

Fox Poll: Cheney Favorite in 2008

(Undisclosed Location) An extremely fair, balanced and intelligently-designed Fox News poll revealed that if the 2008 election were held today in some parts of patriotic and right-thinking Utah, Vice President Dick Cheney would seize the presidency in a landslide. The same poll also indicated that the vast majority of citizens believe, and rightly so, that President Bush’s visage should be added to Mt. Rushmore, even if it means detonating the face of non-Republican and Revolutionary War-dodger Thomas Jefferson.

“Clearly, this poll validates what I’ve said all along; we are living in the age of giants,” remarked the voice of this generation, the stately Sean Hannity. “Someday the people of this country will look back and realize the genius and vision of this administration. Jefferson? Please. The man slept with his slaves! At least Clinton’s interns were free to leave after the rapings.”

With Cheney’s nomination seemingly a given, both conservative and traitorous pundits speculated on whom the future president might select to be his running mate. “Frankly, I don’t see why he would even need a running mate,” opined the lovely Ann Coulter during a pause in the promotion of her latest masterpiece, “Hillary’s Sex Change: The Untold Story.” “I mean, with his mind, his energy, his vitality, why would he possibly need an underling. Plus, let’s be honest, the bar he set for future vee-pees is way too high for any man to follow.”

Al Franken, known America-hater and advocate of adoption rights for gay pedophiles, unpatriotically remarked that should Cheney win the White House, the obvious choice for a second-in-command would be Osama bin Laden, because “only he could make Dick look compassionate in comparison.”

The joke, as always, was on Mr. Funny-Pants-Franken, as the Fox News poll showed that bin Laden gained the support of only 1% of those questioned, and received that number only due to Mr. bin Laden’s belief in polygamy.

Mr. Cheney could not be reached for comment, as his newest chief of staff stated that the Vice President was busy “making America safe from terrorists and Democrats,” but the poll results speak for themselves:

Q: If the election were held today, who do you think would make the best President?

1) Jesus 88%*
2) Dick Cheney 5%
3) Karl Rove 3%
4) Condi Rice (if she weren’t black and female, of course) 2%
5) Osama bin Laden 1%
6) Anyone named “Bill Clinton” 1%

* Jesus has informed the President that he will not run
Q: When President Bush’s face graces Mt. Rushmore, who should be removed?
1) Slave-raping populist Thomas Jefferson 33%
2) Independent, possibly gay George Washington 12%
3) Republican slave-loving Abe Lincoln 8%
4) Republican blue-stater Teddy Roosevelt 5%
5) Who are these people? 32%

Q: Do you have more teeth or wives?

1) Teeth 51%
2) Wives 49%

(Teeth declared a “mandate”)


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