Bush Champions Church-State Separation

(Raleigh, NC) With an unseemly foray into politics, 95 bishops of the United Methodist Church today announced their repentance for “complicity in the unjust and immoral” invasion of Iraq. Retired bishop and liberal-bastion Duke University professor Kenneth Carder announced in the document he authored, “We consider George W. Bush a brother, and like all brothers, we were willing to lend him support for what we assumed was a humanitarian effort. Turns out, not so much. In fact, it was kind of the opposite of that. So, you know, we’re sorry. Really.”

John R. Schol, bishop of the President’s Washington church and a man clearly with an eye on public office, also cowardly signed the document. Whimpered Schol, “We stood by silently while this atrocity occurred. Truly, we’re no better than the Catholics. Well, except that we don’t perform human sacrifices.” Schol then attempted to mitigate his cowardice by stating that he was late for an abortion clinic bombing.

President Bush was brushing up on his Cantonese for his upcoming Asian trip, and could not be reached for comment. However, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, taking a break from making Iraq safe for freedom-loving democracy, took the bishops to task. “I feel it’s deplorable than so-called men of God are attempting to blur the lines between church and state. Last time I checked, this is America, and the Constitution I learned made no mention of having to consult the pastor when preparing to invade, liberate, whatever, a dictatorship. A bloody, bloody dictatorship. You do remember 9/11, don’t you?”

Thus far, only the left-leaning Methodists have issued any kind of Iraq-specific mea culpa, something some senior administration officials cite as an indicator that the church’s view are “far outside the mainstream.” Said one official, identified only as “the architect,” “Much like John Kerry, these people are flip-floppers extrodinaire. They were for the war before they were against it? Gee, where have we heard that one before?”