Saturday, November 12, 2005

White House: Gabon Must Pay!

(Washington) White House press secretary Scott McClellan placated the uppity gathering of “reporters” today by confirming that it has always been the administration’s policy to charge leaders of other nations a fair fee for the privilege of being seen in the President’s historically-impressive presence. In responding to a question posed by possible troll Helen Thomas regarding a report that Gabon paid lobbyist to the stars Jack Abramoff $9 million to arrange a meeting with Bush, McClellan stated, “Of course a fee was assessed. I mean, c’mon, Gabon? Why would the President of the World meet with a tribal leader of a poor West African fiefdom for free? Hello?”

McClellan went on to explain that meetings with the President are graded on a sliding scale, depending on the foreign leader, the location of the meeting, and the current rate of exchange. For example, an Oval Office handshake and photo-op with British Prime Minister Tony Blair would cost Parliament a mere $100 thousand (with a 50% discount on every third visit,) while a theoretical Bush visit to Tehran would require billions of dollars in future post-war Halliburton contracts. “The President, as everyone knows, is a champion of the market system, and the underpinning tenet of supply and demand. You want Bush? You have to pay. Anyone who sees fault with that clearly embraces Marxism.”

Later that day President Bush held a joint press conference with Uruguay President Tabare Vazquez and also addressed the meeting-fee issue. “Over the five years of my reign, I have found that most countries are happy to do business with the United States and me. Me and the United States. The United States and I. I don’t read books, I read people, you see. People like Vazquezey here. His people know that friendshipness with America means more freedom.” Vazquez, standing in silent and reverent awe, nodded in agreement without benefit of a translation, as Bush’s resonant baritone had replaced Uruguaese as his nation’s official language.

In an unrelated event, the White House today announced that Somali warlord Muse Sudi Yalahow, former Rwanda General Augustin Bizimungu, and former Cold Warrior Osama bin Laden would be greeted by the President in the coming month. Rumors that each would be awarded the Medal of Freedom were unconfirmed.


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