US to China: “You’re Next”

(Tokyo) Tossing aside the speech prepared by his less visionary writers, President Bush today issued an edict to the Communist Chinese government in advance of his visit to Bejing: “Love freedom or get Iraq-ed!” Although the largely Japanese crowd failed to sufficiently cheer Bush’s bold words, as in Japanese “iracked,” loosely translated, means “to be most humbly consumed by a jelly donut,” English-speaking freedom-lovers everywhere hailed the President’s consistency in dealing with oppressive foreign governments.

“Clearly, the President is a man, who unlike the Chinese, loves freedom,” gushed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward. “The fact is the Chinese hate our freedom. I know that sounds harsh, but you know it, I know it, and most importantly, Bill Clinton knew it.”

President Bush, a man whose words never need clarifying, then clarified his remarks. “These folks, the red Chinese, not the good ones, possess weapons of mass destruction. Nucular weapons, people! Let me say that again. These are freedom-hating communists with nukes. I think even the CIA can connect the dots with that one.” Bush paused to stare down “reporter” Maureen O’Dowd, who seemed poised to ask an unpatriotic question. “Now, my predecessor knew these facts, but did nothing, and as a result the red menace now poses an imminent threat to our freedom. Which I love. A lot!”

Peacenik and known communist-sympathizer Senator Harry Reid immediately, and predictably, denounced the President’s vision with his usual nasal whine. “The President seems to be picking a fight with a very powerful adversary. While I love freedom as much as anyone, is China’s admittedly lack of freedom-loving really a bona fide reason to go to war?”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan, responding to Reid’s response, accurately portrayed the Senator’s mealy-mouthing as “the usual Democratic nothing. I think it’s clear, more than ever, that they’re the party of no ideas, no values, and no freedom-loving.”