Saturday, November 19, 2005

Cheney Asks Where Do “Lies” Lie?

(Undisclosed Location) Vice President Dick Cheney, defender of all that is American and pure, today defended his administration’s decision to bring freedom to the previously freedom-hating Iraqi people. “There are those who treacherously say that this glorious battle of liberation was based on, if you can believe it, lies,” reported the Vice President to a stunned audience of Halliburton stockholders. “Some call these people traitors, others refer to them as enemy-comforters, while most define them as Democrats. Irregardless, their argument is technically and grammatically incorrect. I suppose who you believe, me or those who would have insurgents running their local school board, on where the definition of “lie” lies.”

Cheney then placed on the podium something he referred to as a “book”; specifically, this book was titled “dictionary” (note: this reporter lacked, at the time of this writing, any type of reference guide that would possibly provide a definition of that word.) “According to Webster, ‘lie’ is defined as ‘to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position.’ Are we to believe the President sent the brave sons and daughters into harm’s way while taking a nap? I think not.”

Cheney, a veteran of WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Panama, and the Gulf War (but who has always been too humble to discuss the resulting Medal of Honor, seven silver stars, eleven bronze stars, and eighty-five Purple Hearts,) also addressed how the namby-pamby bickering stateside affects those on the front lines of freedom. “I remember vividly being hunkered down during Tet. Zips were in the wire, and Charlie was hovering over us like Ted Kennedy over a drunk co-ed. Single-handedly I was holding off the offensive, when I happened to glance down at the muddy bottom of my foxhole. What did I see?” The always-stoic VP wiped away a tear before continuing. “Why, a copy of Stars and Stripes with a front-page photo of John Kerry freedom-kissing Jane Fonda. That’s when I lost my will to fight and, well, Saigon fell soon after.”

Senator Kerry (D-MA) could not be reached for comment, as he was in San Francisco berating military recruiters who were attempting to enlist patriotic members of the local Young Republicans chapter. His ideological counterpart, Saddam Hussein, however, said through a look-alike that he agreed with the argument put forth by those who would have Osama bin Laden waltzing down the streets of Crawford; that the war was based on lies, and that the imperial bastards should go home. Those later polled found Kerry/Hussein’s statement to be highly treasonous, and called for Bill Clinton’s impeachment.


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