Bush Pardons Those Who Sinned Against Him

(Crawford, TX) A kind and forgiving President Bush today took time from his well-earned Thanksgiving break today to issue unmerited pardons to those who in the past failed to accept his infallibility. Bush, in a moment of decided understatement, called these unworthy few “confused,” and called upon all right-thinking Americans to heap pity, and not scorn, upon them.

Among those pardoned was media sponge Cindy Sheehan, the decidedly unpatriotic mother whose son would most likely have spit upon had he not willingly gave up his life defending her freedom. The President correctly identified her as a “stooge of those outside the mainstream,” but also characterized her as “possibly mentally unstable, much like PMS” following the heroic death of her son.

President Bush also issued pardons for all of the so-called allies who withdrew from the Coalition of the Willing, although he admitted that true forgiveness may be beyond even his awesome power. “While I pardon the trespasses made by nations such as Spain, ultimately, they must answer to God for their sins against Christ.” Bush, whose favorite humble crucifix dangled from his strong neck, continued. “For when the infidels build their mosques in Madrid and Barcelona, I can assure you the Big C ain’t gonna be happy.”

Others who received magnanimous pardons included Sen. John Kerry (for making the president’s hard-working base donate a portion of their tax cuts to the re-election fund,) Rep. John Murtha (for letting the effects of advanced age cloud his patriotism,) and even that amorphous lump of America-hating Michael Moore (too many sins to list.)

Even the president’s compassion has its’ limits, however. Bush would not, however, offer a pardon to Osama bin Laden or France. In fact, Bush revealed that the latest intelligence clearly shows that the wanted figurehead of the terrorist group that once enjoyed a symbiotic relationship with Iraq is now being coddled in Paris. The president, citing the spirit of the holiday season, would not commit to military action against Chirac’s government, but did state that all options were on the table.