Thursday, December 08, 2005


Student Hecklers Won Over By Pure Intellect, Classic Looks

(Storrs, CT) Connecticut native and conservatism’s sexiest pinup girl Ann Coulter knew she would be facing a hostile crowd when she agreed to speak at the historically-liberal University of Connecticut. “This is the same state that produced Joe Lieberman, America’s pre-eminent dyed-in-the-wool hippy,” remarked the statuesque blonde upon her arrival in a state only slightly less blue than neighboring Massachusetts. “I’d fear for my safety, if every man in this state wasn’t such a thumb-sucking, limp-wristed pacifist.”

Soon after the former supermodel stepped to the dais to thunderous applause, a small group smelling of clove cigarettes and seated near the rear of the packed assembly hall and who evidently formed their moral and ethical core during the Clinton years began a sophomoric chant, the lyrics of which offended the majority of God-fearing attendees and which will not be repeated here.

Despite being shouted down by the freedom-loving College Republicans in attendance, Coulter exhibited the patience of Job and the teaching style of our Lord when she quietly, in a voice fit for the angel that she is, challenged the tie-dyed pack of leftist unemployed welfare cheats to a series of contests. “If,” cooed the national icon of American femininity, “you defeat me in any of three contests, I will not only leave this state forever, I will register as a Democrat, and with Dick Cheney as my witness, publicly apologize to Bill Clinton.”

A collective gasp issued forth from the gathered “Coulter Heads,” but with a wink their heroine assured them that they need not worry. “First, send me your strongest!” Placing his water bong down in the aisle, a tattoo-festooned, goateed and obviously “alternatively-oriented” young man sashayed to the stage. Coulter, ever the gracious host, smiled the same smile that has won over President and peanut farmer alike, before knocking in the vast majority of the punk’s front teeth in with what was later described as “a swift sword of justice of a left jab.” Once the rude sodomite stumbled from the stage and Miss Coulter deftly wiped the blood from her delicate hand onto a fashionable handkerchief bequeathed to her by Margaret Thatcher, she issued her next challenge.

“Now, send me your prettiest!” With that, some poor man’s daughter, Doc Martin-footed and bra-free, lumbered down to face off with America’s Princess of Propriety. Even with her mannish costume, it was clear to many that the feminist fascist was pretty, her genes like most things in her life given to her. Coulter took the lesbian’s left hand in her right and asked the crowd, “Now, who is prettier? Me, or her?” With that, Alluring Ann raised her challenger’s arm, revealing that in each recessed pit she had cultivated more hair in 19 years than John Kerry had in a lifetime.

Coulter picked a stray ancillary hair from her smart suit before continuing. “Finally,” she commanded, “send me your smartest.” Seconds passed, and no one stepped forward. Coulter sighed prettily and again asked, “Is there no one in the bastion of liberal learning even worthy of challenging me?” Again the call went unheeded, and it was clear to all that once again strength, beauty and intelligence had won the day.

Coulter, magnanimous as ever, refused to gloat over yet another victory over ill-conceived liberal elitism. Following her speech, which many in the bi-partisan audience compared to Martin Luther’s “I Have a Dream” for its’ passion and Luther’s theses for its’ intellectual resonance, Coulter met with her earlier foes and offered workout hints, makeup tips, and grammar lessons. Summed up America’s sweetheart, “Just doing what I can for America’s bright, freedom-loving future.”


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