RICE SECURES EUROPEAN ALLIES

Germany, Romania, Russia Agree To Stay The Course

(Bucharest) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who recently negotiated peace in the Middle East and whose blackness and femaleness speaks volumes about the Republican Party’s inclusiveness, today announced breakthrough agreements with several European nations that will ensure that the never-ending war on terror will be fought on shores other than our own. Rice, who during her tour of European capitals has been openly welcomed as a liberator, has already enraptured the freedom-loving people of Germany, Romania, and Russia, and next moves onto Belgium, where she is worshipped by many as a god.

Thanks to the Secretary and possible future vice presidential candidate, the Germans have pledged to be less uptight about their citizens who may or may not have been mistakenly detained and, in accordance with the Geneva Convention, proactively interviewed. Said Rice, “The Germans, more so than most people, know the importance of not looking back on past mistakes, if in fact mistakes were made, which, in fact, they probably weren’t.”

Rice also reached an accord with Romanian leaders, who agreed to host several processing sites for terror suspects. These freedom-hating thugs would be humanely housed at former Romanian youth hostels prior to their repatriation to their native, or relatively similar, land. “Some would have you believe that these Welcome Centers are some kind of sinister, secret CIA ‘black prisons,” commented Rice. “In fact, these facilities are merely transitional centers, where enemies of freedom take their first steps toward a newfound appreciation of American values.” Rice went on to explain that guests of these facilities soon find themselves transported, without cost, to finishing schools in places such as Saudi Arabia, where their re-introduction to socially-acceptable behavior is completed.

During her last stop in Kiev, Rice reminded Russian leaders of that nation’s historical dedication to sweet freedom and inalienable human rights. There she announced a joint effort between American and Russian intelligence agencies in which US agents would be taught traditional Russian interview techniques. “As most people are unaware, since the end of WW I, Russia has been relatively free of terrorist activity,” astutely observed Rice, who has studied Russian history since attending a prestigious grade school via a voucher. “We, as well as our Russian allies, believe this is due to that great democracy’s effective and humane interview techniques.”

As Rice wraps up her visit in Brussels, it is expected that, despite being a French-speaking nation, the Belgians will welcome her in much the same way Allied forces were greeted during that nation’s liberation. Her popularity has not gone unnoticed stateside, as well. Taking a break from attending a military funeral today, President Bush observed that Rice’s success in Eastern Europe and the lowland country means that next time he sends her to Europe she may be asked to “invade France, Poland and Czechoslovakia with her infectious grin and her indomitable human spirit.”