RUMSFELD: “DON’T CALL THEM INSURGENTS”

Defense Secretary Issues New, Improved Iraq Lexicon

(Washington) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today issued to a nattering press corps military-approved terms to be used when describing Operation Enduring Freedom. Primary amongst the new, more reality-based terms is a replacement for the inaccurate “insurgents,” who henceforth will be referred to as “Freedom-Abhorring Guerrillas,” or “FAGs.”

“We feels America can easily get behind hating FAGs,” explained Rumsfeld. “Our focus groups have determined that ‘insurgent’ invokes an underdog type of image amongst Americans, and we can’t have America cheering for the underdogs, as they are wont do to.” The Defense Secretary went on to explain that Webster defines “insurgent” as “rising up against established authority,” and thus was an inappropriate description for the godless terrorists who have killed more babies than the Supreme Court. “The Iraqi government, while getting stronger each day, is hardly an established authority,” wisely commented Rumsfeld. “The only thing they’re rising up against is freedom, people.”

Other misused terms that the DOD has officially stricken from the English language are “improvised explosive device,”“roadside bomb,” and “suicide bomb.” These will now collectively, under pain of Patriot Act enforcement, be called “minor setbacks.” The Secretary rightly issued an executive order that such incidents involving minor setbacks will be reported in an “it is what it is” context. “For example, you might report that “the inevitable crusade toward freedom suffered only a minor setback today,” advised Rumsfeld, who quickly corrected himself. “Actually, ‘crusade’ will no longer be used as of today. The new term is ‘journey.”
In addition, US soldiers who are killed heroically in action will now be said to have been “martyred on the altar of sweet freedom.” However, Rumsfeld warned that our brave soldiers should never be reported as having been “martyred by FAGs.” “Reporting that Americans have been martyred by FAGs gives aid and comfort to the FAGs,” admonished Rumsfeld, often referred to as the greatest fighting American since Patton. “Besides, Americans will never, ever, be beaten by FAGs.”