Monday, December 05, 2005

TEXAS, USC TO MEET IN ROSE BOWL

Game To Decide Championship, 2008 Mid-Term Elections

(Austin, TX) The University of Texas Longhorns, with their 70-3 landslide victory over Colorado, have earned the right to represent Texas, as well as the vast majority of America, in this year’s Rose Bowl. The game, which will decide the national championship, will match the God-fearing Longhorns against the Southern California Trojans, who slipped into the title game after narrowly defeating the UCLA Bruins, 66-19. While the politically-naïve may see the game as merely a football skirmish, many pundits are considering the match-up the first contest of the 2008 mid-term elections.

“Please, a football game?” Rhetorically asked Bill O’Reilly, America’s pre-eminent scholar of cultural trends. “This has all the elements of great drama, and thus great politics.” O’Reilly, who has no connection to Texas but nevertheless confessed to being a life-long Longhorns admirer, went on to describe the game’s importance. “You have the bluest of blue states taking on the President’s favorite team. You have USC, the school of OJ Simpson, against Texas, the school of Jeb Bush, Laura Bush, and Jenna Bush. Clearly, all freedom-loving Americans have a stake in this game.”

While most polls have ranked USC the #1 team in the nation throughout the season, the most advanced computer ever designed (the Diebold Prognosticator v 2008) has recently revealed that not only is Texas the best team in 2005, but were also the best team in 2004 and 2000. Still, while victory seems assured, most Texans aren’t taking the Trojans lightly.

“They may be tree-hugging, gay-marrying, America-hating Californians,” observed House majority leader (on sabbatical) Tom DeLay, “ but that Bush kid they got, like all Bushes, sure is one helluva athlete.”

Some former USC grads, understanding the importance of the outcome, have switched allegiances. Dr. James Dobson, hero of the unborn and second only to the president on Jesus’ speed-dial, today renounced his affiliation with his alma mater. “While it’s true I attended USC some time ago, I did so only to better understand Satan. Of course, like all Americans, I’ll be rooting for Texas. I should also point out that the Lord this morning asked me to pass along a message to y’all…’Hook Em’ Horns!”

4 Comments:

Blogger AJ said...

O Wise & (tobe) Famous One,

Another excellent one!
"....observed House majority leader (on sabbatical)..."

O Christ, that's good!

December 05, 2005 2:48 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rumor has it he's using the time off to truly, deeply, and madly love America.

December 05, 2005 3:58 PM  
Blogger andante said...

Did you know it stings when you snort Pepsi out your nose? I learn something new every day.

I knew I was pulling for USC for some reason.

December 05, 2005 4:20 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rex,

Yea...and I've got some valuable Enron Stock I want you to have , real cheap.
God-** bastards.

December 06, 2005 3:24 PM  

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