Sunday, December 04, 2005


“Hero of Christmas” May Earn Sainthood

(Rome) Non-partisan political moderate Bill O’Reilly was today was granted an audience with Pope Benedict XVI, where he received from the pope the Church’s everlasting gratitude for his ongoing efforts to preserve the sanctity of Christmas against the onslaught of liberal secularism. For O’Reilly, who left the priesthood only when it became clear his country needed his political acumen more so than his devout service to the Lord, the meeting with the pope fulfilled one of his life-long dreams. Gushed the usually stoic O’Reilly, “This was like being with Reagan at the Berlin Wall! Look at my skin! I have goose-steps!”

O’Reilly, like most normal Americans, has seen the Christian meaning of Christmas gradually eroded by the politically-incorrect left, who would have us believe that Christianity isn’t the most popular, as well as the most correct, religion in this country. As a result, Christian symbols such as Santa Claus, Christmas trees, and Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer have all but disappeared from our nation’s schools, offices, and public places.

Pope Benedict, who many Americans consider almost as infallible as President Bush, has written extensively about the dangers of secularism in the modern Western world, and has made the re-establishment of conservative Christian values a cornerstone of his young papacy. Thus, it was right to give thanks to O’Reilly, who in recent years has been a quiet voice in support of traditional Christmas values. While it was unsaid during the brief ceremony, it is likely that the Church also endorses O’Reilly in his righteous fight against the radical homosexual agenda, the radical feminist agenda, and the radical Democrat agenda.

In his defense of Christmas, O’Reilly has bravely taken on those who would give fictitious holidays such as Kwanza and Hanukkah equal billing with Jesus’ birthday. “These people, and by that I of course mean Howard Dean, would have you believe that Jesus was black and Jewish,” succinctly remarked Christian warrior O’Reilly. “I’m sorry, but last time I checked, Sammy Davis, Jr. isn’t my lord and savior.”

Some Catholic scholars might say that should O’Reilly successfully win victory over the out-of-the-mainstream secularists, he could be considered for sainthood. “I don’t know about that,” the always-humble O’Reilly replied, who after the papal audience flew back to New York to promote his latest book, “They Call Me Mr. Christmas: How I Saved Christmas and, Let’s Be Honest, Should Be Sainted For It.”


Blogger AJ said...


Outstanding post, as usual.
Someday, when I grow up, I hope to (go to college) and actually be able to write as good as you!
Damn that's good....
Have you ever considered posting some of your stuff in newspapers? Some of the 'funny' editorials don't come close to your wit. Well, there's always book royalties.
Of course you might be out of a job...

December 04, 2005 4:32 PM  

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