DELAY CLEARED OF BOGUS CHARGE

Non-Partisan Judge Drops Case Against Texas Hero

(Austin) Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX,) House majority leader in exile and moral compass of the nation, today took one step closer to the political redemption that is clearly inevitable when a Texas judge not directly affiliated with the Democratic Party dismissed the heart of the case against him. This event, in the eyes of most right-thinking Americans, clears the way for DeLay to resume his rightful leadership role, from which DeLay promises he will not smite his enemies.

Although DeLay’s humble country lawyers were unable to have the entire case dismissed, DeLay spokesman Kevin Madden stated that such a move is inevitable. “The charge of money-laundering is, of course, laughable. I mean, why would Congressman DeLay take money from a colleague such as Congressman Cunningham, if he had money of his own to launder?” While logic such as that is obvious to most Americans, the Harris County prosecutor’s office seems impervious to any argument that doesn’t further the America-hating cause of Democrats. “These people, these Democrats, they refuse to even entertain the idea that they might be wrong about anything,” remarked Madden. “I mean, to them, dissent equals treason, and I’m sorry, but that’s not the America Republicans believe in.”

Despite the pathetic partisan legal attack, DeLay’s popularity in the 22nd district remains solid and unimpeachable. A recent poll indicated that DeLay is as popular, or perhaps even more so, than fellow Texan and current President, George W. Bush. The poll results were echoed by Vice President Cheney, who recently spoke on DeLay’s behalf during a local fundraiser. “I predict that, in that not too distant future, both President Bush and Congressman DeLay will be welcomed in Texas as conquering heroes.” Cheney went on to say that he believed the Democratic insurgency was in “its’ last throes.”