Sunday, December 11, 2005


Loser To Step Down In Fox Event

(Miami) Florida governor Jeb Bush, a former Olympic-caliber wrestler and, prior to a devastating elbow injury, a NFL prospect with unlimited potential, knows a thing or two about staying in peak physical condition. The governor is a daily fixture on the early morning streets of Tallahassee, where he runs a brisk 10 kilometer run before attending to state business. Then, during lunchtime while most Democrat lawmakers are dining on foie gras and chocolate mousse with their special interest handlers, Bush submits to a brutal one-hour workout of weights, aerobics and yoga that is monitored via teleconference by fellow Republican governor and fitness guru, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Said neighbor and Bush admirer Bobby Bowden, coach of Florida State’s football team, “If I had ten guys like the governor, well dangummit, I’d never lose a game.”

Thus it came as a shock to all familiar with Bush’s ripped chest and six-pack abs when Fidel Castro, Cuban dictator and generous benefactor of the Democratic National Committee, recently called Bush “the president’s fat little brother.” Castro later amended his statement and inferred that he was only thinking of Bush’s health, and that he hoped the popular governor would “eat less decadent capitalist American food.”

Bush, who in a show of support for this country’s fighting soldiers has only eaten MREs (meals ready to eat) since the start of Operation Enduring Freedom, took the communist’s personal attacks in stride, but bristled at the baseless attack on America’s food. Rhetorically asked Bush, “This country feeds the world, and he has the nerve to question its’ nutritional value?” The governor then chugged a quart of pure Florida orange juice before continuing. “Bring it on, beard!”

Via the United Nations, which while needing extensive restructuring still enjoys the support of the United States, Bush issued a challenge for Castro to meet him in the “squared circle” of a boxing ring, where their physical fitness, as well as the superiority of free market-driven democracy over soul-sucking communism would be proven once and for all. To sweeten the deal, Bush vowed that if he lost the bout, he would not seek the White House in 2008 as the vast majority of Americans have urged him to do.

Castro, who won a silver medal for Cuba as a middleweight in the 1952 Helsinki Olympics, has accepted the challenge, and in a surprise move promised to step down from power and hold elections if he loses the high-stakes tilt. The fight, which will be aired by FOX, will be held on the day prior to the 2006 mid-term elections, immediately following the news conference in which President Bush is expected to announce that victory has been attained in Iraq.


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