EVANGELISTS SLAM “NARNIA”

Film Fails To Defend Christmas, “A Little Gay”

(Lynchburg, VA) It is a rare day that Rev. Jerry Falwell, a humble pastor of a small Virginia church, gets tricked by the devil, but that’s exactly what happened last week when the liberal secularists of the Disney Corporation convinced him to show their latest film at his modest Lynchburg house of worship. “These people swore up and down that their movie was family-friendly and a testament to the word of God,” harrumphed the meek shepherd of the Lord, “what they didn’t say that was their God was in fact, Satan.”

The film, “The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” has been widely publicized as a Christian allegory, but many Christians are finding it difficult to turn the other cheek regarding the studio’s false advertising. “What kind of Christian movie prominently features a witch?” rhetorically asked Biblical scholar Benny Hinn. “What kind of Christian movie glamorized child abuse? Clearly, the Hollywood liberal elite is once again thumbing their crooked noses at us.”

Timothy LaHaye, noted author and Moral Majority founder, warned readers of his newsletter of a possible sinister motivation of bringing this blasphemous story to the big screen. “If Michael Moore and Charles Darwin were able to breed, as many non-Christians believe they should have the right to, this movie would be the result.” LaHaye was particularly disturbed by the prominence of talking animals featured throughout the film. “Clearly, this is an attempt to convince the viewer that we are on an even level with the beats, and by extension, support the long-held liberal belief that Jesus Christ was descended from a red-assed baboon.”

Pat Robertson, in his weekly sermon televised via a small public-access station in the hills of North Carolina, testified that another ungodly group’s message was expressed in a positive manner by the film’s Christ-killing producers. “Why is it all the centaurs are bare-chested and muscular? And where are the female centaurs?” asked Robertson. “Obviously, the gay agenda is at work here. Don’t be surprised, people, if Disneyland is soon cast into a pit of fire!”

Even Bill O’Reilly, possibly the most fair and balanced man America has ever produced, found the film anti-Christian in the extreme. “Not once, not one single time, was the word ‘Christmas’ mentioned in the film,” observed the tolerant and very non-racist O’Reilly. “As a result, I will do everything within my power to bring horror upon the Disney Corporation.”

Disney executives would not comment, but speaking for the Hollywood set, actor and Christian soldier Mel Gibson said that while not overtly satanic, “Narnia” fell well short of past classics in delivering a positive image of Christ. “C’mon, a lion Christ-figure? Where’s the blood? Where’s the gore? Where’s the passion?”