Tuesday, December 13, 2005

EVANGELISTS SLAM “NARNIA”

Film Fails To Defend Christmas, “A Little Gay”

(Lynchburg, VA) It is a rare day that Rev. Jerry Falwell, a humble pastor of a small Virginia church, gets tricked by the devil, but that’s exactly what happened last week when the liberal secularists of the Disney Corporation convinced him to show their latest film at his modest Lynchburg house of worship. “These people swore up and down that their movie was family-friendly and a testament to the word of God,” harrumphed the meek shepherd of the Lord, “what they didn’t say that was their God was in fact, Satan.”

The film, “The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” has been widely publicized as a Christian allegory, but many Christians are finding it difficult to turn the other cheek regarding the studio’s false advertising. “What kind of Christian movie prominently features a witch?” rhetorically asked Biblical scholar Benny Hinn. “What kind of Christian movie glamorized child abuse? Clearly, the Hollywood liberal elite is once again thumbing their crooked noses at us.”

Timothy LaHaye, noted author and Moral Majority founder, warned readers of his newsletter of a possible sinister motivation of bringing this blasphemous story to the big screen. “If Michael Moore and Charles Darwin were able to breed, as many non-Christians believe they should have the right to, this movie would be the result.” LaHaye was particularly disturbed by the prominence of talking animals featured throughout the film. “Clearly, this is an attempt to convince the viewer that we are on an even level with the beats, and by extension, support the long-held liberal belief that Jesus Christ was descended from a red-assed baboon.”

Pat Robertson, in his weekly sermon televised via a small public-access station in the hills of North Carolina, testified that another ungodly group’s message was expressed in a positive manner by the film’s Christ-killing producers. “Why is it all the centaurs are bare-chested and muscular? And where are the female centaurs?” asked Robertson. “Obviously, the gay agenda is at work here. Don’t be surprised, people, if Disneyland is soon cast into a pit of fire!”

Even Bill O’Reilly, possibly the most fair and balanced man America has ever produced, found the film anti-Christian in the extreme. “Not once, not one single time, was the word ‘Christmas’ mentioned in the film,” observed the tolerant and very non-racist O’Reilly. “As a result, I will do everything within my power to bring horror upon the Disney Corporation.”

Disney executives would not comment, but speaking for the Hollywood set, actor and Christian soldier Mel Gibson said that while not overtly satanic, “Narnia” fell well short of past classics in delivering a positive image of Christ. “C’mon, a lion Christ-figure? Where’s the blood? Where’s the gore? Where’s the passion?”

10 Comments:

Blogger AJ said...

Rex,

Once again you hit a home run!
But isn't Pat Robertson's "small public media facilities" located in Virginia Beach VA?
aj

December 13, 2005 10:48 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Yeah, I think you're right about that, but why let facts get in the way of a good story?

In any event, I apologize to the good people of NC. As for the Virginians, seriously, what's wrong with these people? Ollie North, George Allen, Jerry Falwell, AND Pat Robertson?

December 14, 2005 8:45 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

and me!
(Hampton Roads)

But if you want to get really weird
don't forget this is also home to A.R.E. (Edgar Cayce),Regent Law University (Robertson), CBN(Robertson) and P.E.T.A.
A few years back in Reston (near Alexandria), they had an outbreak or EBOLA from exported monkeys shipped overseas for testing purposes.
It killed lots of monkeys-and was passed through the air, which would have been the end of times as we know it, but it did not effect humans. No one knows why.
This area is also about 50 miles from the 'lost coloney' that disapeared without a trace years back..
I am beginning to think this place rivals Roswell, or Mt. Shasta in really strange things.

O, I almost forgot. Your tax dollars support the largest Atlantic Sea military warfare group, located in.... beautiful Norfolk, VA.
(NAS Norfok), as well as the very secretive space platform they are building on the Eastern Shores (VA).

Finally and recently, you might remember the General* from Ft. Monroe(Hampton VA) who, months away from retirement, was fired by Bush, for no given reason, and has given rise to the theory that there is more trouble in the ranks than what FOX or CNN are saying...
*firing of high brass is very, very rare.
aj

December 14, 2005 10:00 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rex,
Sorry to be a pest. Found the name of the 4 star general:
from Dogspot.com.uk

The cover story for the abrupt firing of 4 star general Kevin P. Byrnes was "sexual misconduct". Byrnes was an expert on simulation of battle situations using the latest technology. His publications in military journals have served to explain the future direction of the US Military. There are indications that he had become disenchanted with the direction "virtual reality" had taken, and that his severence from the military may have been for reasons far more profound than a sex scandal.

Yea, sexual misconduct. Bullshit.

December 14, 2005 5:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sheesh

December 14, 2005 9:02 PM  
Anonymous Michael said...

Just last week, LaHaye and Jenkins were comparing their own movies to the Narnia Chronicles. How things quickly change in LaHaye land.

December 14, 2005 9:05 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I think LaHaye was best described as a man who not only "wants to roll back the New Deal, he wants to roll back the Enlightenment."

aj, you don't need to prove to me some Virginians are sipping the Kool Aid. Mrs. Danger Seeker went to college in Lynchburg. I've met the locals.

December 14, 2005 9:33 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rex,

Lynchburg?? OMG.
you better get a big dog.
A big

(dangerous)

dog...
aj

December 15, 2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Virginia is where all the Right Wing wackos from DC hang out- Bill Kristol, Fred Barnes, Chief Justice William Rhenquist (when he was alive) and every other neocon wingnut hand their racist hats in Virginia.

On another note- I saw the Narnia movie yesterday- good CGI- the lion really looked real. I think just for fun, since there is a witch in the movie, Disney should have thrown some Harry Potter characters in for good measure because the Fundies loooooove Harry Potter!

December 15, 2005 5:18 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Thank goodness Mrs. Danger Seeker escaped Lynchburg with her free will intact (for the record, she's a LC grad, not a Liberty drone.)

As for Narnia, I'm taking the eldest Danger Daughter to see it this weekend, and she's really looking forward to it (she's also frightened by the Harry Potter movies...I fear I may be raising a Fundie.)

December 15, 2005 7:52 PM  

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