NSA: TRUE AMERICANS NOT SPIED ON

Only Terrorists, Pedophiles, Democrats Being Watched

(Washington) National Security Agency chief Lt. General Keith Alexander in a rare public appearance today denied the conspiracy-theorist allegations flung at his agency recently by the New York Times. “The NSA, as the New York Times would have you believe, does not spy on normal Americans.” Alexander, whose agency is taxed with the patriotic duty of protecting innocent American lives, both born and unborn, was accused of doing just that in the slanderous Times piece, read daily by enemies from Basra to Beijing. “Besides, why would normal Americans care if we did? What would normal Americans have to hide from their government?”

In the article, already cited on many radical Islamic website as the “most comforting and aiding story of the year,” President Bush is treasonously accused of authorizing surveillance on everyday Americans, such as policemen and doctors, without benefit of a warrant. “Patently untrue,” asserted the President, who took time away from attending a brave soldier’s funeral to address the latest invented crisis spun from whole liberal cloth. “But you have to understand as the chief executive it is my job, and not the judiciary’s, to protect this country. They’re already legislating. I’m not going to let them execute.”

Stephen Hadley, the President’s national security advisor, patriotically echoed Bush’s statements. “This administration has no interest in the lives of everyday, freedom-loving Americans. That said, we are committed to taking on the radical terrorists here at home, so that we won’t have to fight them over there again.”

Citing national security concerns, Hadley would not identify what elements of society are considered especially radical, but suspicion has been focused on such groups as sex offenders, leaders of the Democratic party, and the editorial board of the New York Times. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales revealed that it is the last of these “usual suspects” that concerns him the most.

“I fear that the editors of the New York Times, upon learning that they have been the focus of a lawful investigation for some time, ordered their reporters to fabricate this story for the purpose of discrediting the United States government.” Gonzales did not directly accuse the Times of treason, as some rightly have, but asserted that another lawful investigation is warranted. “I have directed Assistant Attorney General Patrick Fitzgerald to set aside whatever minor investigations he’s overseeing, and to immediately open an investigation of the New York Times’ actions.”