Thursday, December 22, 2005

SUNNIS CRY AND POUT

Saddam Loyalists Whine, Claim Election Fraud

(Baghdad) Stealing a page from the Democratic Party playbook, Sunni leaders today refused the accept the mandate of the Iraqi people, who in record numbers voted to give the former Baathists only a small minority in Iraq’s new and improved parliament. Without a hint of irony, the Saddam loyalists who for decades denied millions of freedom-craving Iraqis a vote, now baselessly complain of “voter irregularities” and spin wild conspiracy theories that have found traction on countless liberal American blog sites.

Sound familiar?

Adnan Dulaimi, suspected terrorist and leader of the Sunni’s Tawafaq Front, claims to have anecdotal evidence that butterfly ballots confused tribal elders, impenetrable electronic voting machines were hacked by Israeli intelligence, and long lines at many Sunnis strongholds interfered with the mandatory terrorist training for future martyrs. Dulaimi, known throughout Iraq as the “Sunni Al Gore,” also falsely asserted that his party’s sound defeat was assisted by intelligence provided to the opposing parties by the US National Security Agency (NSA.) “It is clear now that our strategy conference calls with American friends such as Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore were intercepted by the Great Satan, and passed along to the Shiite bastards,” ranted Dulaimi. “We fully intend to bring a case to the Iraqi Supreme Court, when and if that court is established.”

Dulaimi also made empty threats to increase insurgent violence if he and his party do not get their way, something administration officials with recent experience on the “Iraqi Street” dismiss as the tantrums of a sore loser. “Please, spare me the lame threats,” laughed Vice President Cheney, who only yesterday cut the ribbon at the opening of Fallujah’s newest Starbucks. “The Sunnis are so yesterday’s news. Trust me, the insurgency, which to be honest was always overblown by the liberal media, is indeed in its’ last throes.”

Cheney’s justified optimism was echoed throughout Iraq, where millions who worship Americans as liberating gods refuse to wash their purple-stained fingers. Prime Minister Ibrahim Jafari, a peace-loving Shiite who understands the importance of staying the course, pooh-poohed the out-of-the-mainstream Sunnis. “The people have voted, with their hearts and purple fingers, and have delivered freedom a resounding victory.” Jafari, whom US officials believe is a “good Shiite” as opposed to the bad Shiites that dominate al Qaeda, went on to give proper thanks to President Bush for delivering democracy to a land where a brutal, bloody dictatorship once ruled. “Thank Allah for America. Now, Iraq can be ruled in the way it was intended; with hard but fair Islamic law.”

2 Comments:

Blogger Kvatch said...

Rex, Blognonymous salutes you.

You came in second in the "Shrub Needs a Better Nickname Contest". Been trying to find a way to get in touch but couldn't locate an email. Don't have much to offer in the way of a prize, but thought I'd offer to "whore" a favorite post of your choosing, current or future. Interested? Let me know. Cheers.

K.

December 23, 2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

K, thanks for the props. Getting an honorable mention link was enough, so no need to whore yourself.

Wait, that came out all wrong. You know what I mean.

Thanks again, and Merry Christm-, er, I mean, Happy Holidays.

December 23, 2005 2:46 PM  

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