Sunday, December 18, 2005


VP’s Military Acumen Brings Insurgency To Last Throes

(Baghdad) Inserted under cover of darkness into the front line in the war against Iraqi regressives, Vice President Dick Cheney today took command of US ground forces for their final push toward ultimate victory. Cheney, who as an active duty and reservist officer has fought in every US war since Korea, had until now resisted his own patriotic desires to again lead our brave soldiers in their most recent defense of our freedom. However, with the out-of-the-mainstream media’s goal of destroying American morale and giving aid and comfort to the enemy reminding him of our disgraceful cut and run in Vietnam, Cheney asked his commander-in-chief for one last command. “As a fellow Vietnam veteran, President Bush understands my need to close old wounds.

The wounds the vice president spoke of were both emotional and physical. He earned his seventh Purple Heart when then-Major Cheney called for a napalm drop on his own position after his battalion was overrun by Viet Cong that were to have been fended off by a young Lt. John Kerry. While Cheney’s heroic efforts won the day, the inflammable liquid he inhaled caused him heart problems that plague him to this day. “If we had more Major Dicks in our army in the fight for Vietnam, I have no doubt that today Hanoi would today be fighting by our side in Iraq,” tearfully expressed Lt. General Rush Limbaugh (Florida National Guard,) who served under Cheney during the last of his three Vietnam tours.

In the tradition of great Republican military men of the past, the unretired General Cheney hit the dusty ground running. With his first command he ordered all purple-fingered Iraqis armed, for a nominal fee, with M-16 rifles provided by the good people of Blackwater, as well as reasonably-priced ammunition supplied by a patriotic Halliburton subsidiary. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the trenches, it’s that freedom isn’t free.” The still eagle-eyed Cheney paused to take out a lurking terrorist 300 meters away with a short burst from his weapon before continuing. “Maybe some people back home think that just voting makes you a democracy, but not here. No, these folks know that to truly love freedom, you have to be willing to kill endlessly for it.”

Citing national security concerns, General Cheney would not discuss his plan for ultimate victory over those who hate our freedom, but did reveal that recent intelligence obtained by the NSA was instrumental in formulating his game plan. “The patriotic folks at the National Security Agency were able to intercept a communiqué, sent from a Fallujah Saddamist cell to their US backers, code-named ‘Hillary in 2008.’ Based on this intelligence, we believe the insurgents are in their last throes, and that they are almost ready to greet us as liberators.”

NSA officials would not, understandably, reveal the identity of the treasonous “Hillary in 2008,” but on the condition of anonymity did state that her existence would not have been known were it not for the eternal brilliance of the Patriot Act and the willingness of President Bush to do whatever it takes, within the boundaries of law and the Constitution, to save American lives.


Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Great to know that Major Dick is on the job. The war should be over by tomorrow.

December 19, 2005 6:05 AM  

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