FEDERAL JUDGE OUTLAWS GOD

Legislating Jurist Rules Jesus “Son of Monkeys”

(Harrisburg, PA) In a completely out of the mainstream decision that brought immediate presidential ire and almost certain eternal damnation, US District Judge John E. Jones today ruled that not only did God not create man in His image, but also that He doesn't exist. In his decision the hell-bound jurist wrote, “It is the decision of this court, and thus the solemn belief of every Democrat, that man was not created by a higher being, but rather, beyond any reasonable doubt, from the south-bound end of a north-bound red-assed baboon.”

At issue was whether or not the Godless children of Dover, Pennsylvania, should be instructed in the scientifically-sound ideas of intellectual design in addition to the evolutionary theories embraced by those almost certain to be left behind when the Rapture arrived. Judge Jones, however, overstepped the issue, and thus his authority, when he ruled that God is, “a myth, not unlike the Easter Bunny or intelligent Bush voters.”

“Once again, we have an activist judge, foisted upon God-fearing Americans by the liberal elite, who thinks his way of thinking is superior to the majority’s,” heroically summarized Richard Thompson, Christian soldier and chief counsel for the defendant school board. “Who is he to decide what science is? Excuse me, but the last time I checked, ‘intelligent’ and ‘design’ were both scientific terms.”

Judge Jones’ power-grabbing heresy did not go unnoticed in Washington, where each and every member of the superior majority power has a deep and everlasting relationship with God. “I find Judge Jones’ ruling both irresponsible and troubling,” remarked President Bush, who credits God for helping him, and thus America, stay the course in Iraq. “But then, what can you expect from a judge who insists on legislating from the bench, which as you know, violates the Constitution.” Bush held up Judge Jones’ dubious legal qualifications as an example of why America needs more judges who will strictly interpret the Constitution, and urged those who believe in God to demand the immediate confirmation of Judge Alito.”

Pat Robertson, who months ago announced a “War on Pennsylvania,” cited the Jones ruling as yet another example of Keystone Staters thumbing their noses at the Lord. “First, voters their tried to oust Jesus’ anointed president. Then, John Murtha dared doubt the wisdom of defeating the heathens. Now, a federal judge, clearly an agent of Satan, gives glory to monkeys instead of the Lord. Truly, I say unto you, do not be surprised if Pennsylvania is wiped off the map, possibly during the second Tuesday of November in 2006.”