Wednesday, December 21, 2005

ENVIRONMENTALISTS WEAKEN HOMELAND SECURITY

Untapped ANWR Oil Holds Key To Nation’s Safety

(Kaktovik, Alaska) Patriotic Americans believe that bubbling near the surface of the barren and wildlife-free Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) lies the easily-accessible and environmentally-friendly solution to every problem facing our nation. “Think about it,” challenged friend of the caribou and Exxon CEO Lee Raymond. “If America merely had access to the never-ending supply of oil to be found in her own backyard, we’d be free once and for all from the easily-toppled Middle East brutal dictatorships that currently supply us with 99.99% of our energy needs.” Raymond warned that without a new infinite source of energy, the US would be forced to construct thousands of terrorist-target nuclear power plants, strip mine wetlands for coal, and slash-and-burn millions of acres of pristine national forests.

The ANWR is so oil rich that some say a child could squeeze enough crude to fuel a medium sized city for a year out of any given pebble. Government experts report that the area, roughly the size of Mars and completely devoid of any indigenous life, could produce enough oil to satisfy America’s energy needs for the next millennium, pay for the cost of Operation Enduring Freedom and any future war, as well as Hurricane-proof every coastal US city. “It’s a win-win-win-win situation,” accurately assessed Raymond. “It’s just a shame that some people hate America so much that they ruin certain utopia for the rest of us.”

Raymond was, of course, referring to the vast left wing conspiracy, whose well-financed propaganda has created the illusion that the hellish ANWR is some kind of polar bear garden of Eden. “Nothing could be further from the truth,” confidently reported Interior Secretary and baby seal-hugger Gale Norton. “The ANWR is not unlike the surface of the moon. Cold, dead, and lifeless with the exception of some lichen, which, if they fell into the wrong hands, could be used to create pandemic biotoxins." Norton surmised that unless patriotic oil companies were allowed to sensitively explore the area, these lichen could be used by ruthless killers that lurk amongst us. “Thankfully, our president has had the foresight to sign off on the interception of all telephone calls originating in Alaska. I mean, if you look at a map, Russia is only inches away.”

Despite the urgent calls by heroic experts such as Raymond and Norton, the Senate today rejected the common-sense call for delicate extraction of freedom-saving oil by kid-gloved minority-owned oil firms. The inexplicable defeat was led, predictably, by the Humvee-driving Hillary Clinton, who once again has allowed her hatred of America to cloud the needs of her constituents. “How long is America’s freedom to be held hostage by Senator Clinton’s political aspirations?” logically asked former NYC mayor and national hero Rudolph Giuliani. “If 9/11 taught us anything, it’s that this is a new world. A new world demands new thinking, and new energy. Clearly someone with first-hand knowledge of how much 9/11 changed everything needs to stand up to her, and maybe run against her in 2008.”

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sideswiping your thread to reply to your comment at Shakespeare's Sister:

Under normal conditions, I only purchase DVDs that contain gratuitous sex, mindless violence, or, if possible, scenes that contain both (as a secular liberal, I feel I must keep up the species' reputation.)

For gratutous sex and violence (yes, both in the same scene), the film for you is Silent Night, Deadly Night. "Santa Claus depicted as an axe murderer" -- bonus!

Do NOT get the sequel, which has the violence, but nowhere near the boobage.

December 21, 2005 9:47 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sweet. Without even checking it out, I can imagine the possible tag lines...

"He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake."

"Santa Claus is coming to town. Biyatch."

I'm off to Blockbuster.

December 21, 2005 9:54 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

you guys are really sick...

funny, but nonetheless..sick

December 21, 2005 11:53 PM  
Blogger James Aach said...

Energy fans might find the following of interest: a new techno-thriller novel about the American nuclear power industry. Written by a longtime nuclear engineer, it provides an entertaining and accurate portrait of a nuclear power plant and how an accident might be handled. “Rad Decision” is at RadDecision.blogspot.com, at no cost to readers.

December 22, 2005 12:55 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Wow Rex, you must be approaching the big time-you're getting commercial bites!
anyway,
If you get a knock on your door from a friendly NSA agent soon, it might because I (again) took the liberty to uphold your name alongside others in our mutual pursuit of democracy, (whatever that was).
aj

December 22, 2005 4:57 PM  

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