Sunday, December 25, 2005

“WAR ON CHRISTMAS” DEFEATED

Birth of Christ Celebrated, Secularists Pout

(East Port, Maine) The midnight church bells that echoed through the cold air of the US’s easternmost city celebrated not only the birth of Christ, but also the defeat of the liberal secularist conspiracy to destroy Christmas. Freedom-loving East Porters emerged from their hardened bunkers and, for the first time in recent memory, exchanged greetings of “Merry Christmas” without fear of being the target of frivolous ACLU lawsuits.

“Those secularists put of a heckuva fight, I’ll give em’ that,” remarked General Bill O’Reilly, referring to a small but determined cell of former Howard Dean volunteers who incessantly bombarded O’Reilly’s position with guided Kwanza candles and cat-calls of “Happy Holidays.” “In the end, however, Christianity, as it always has and always will, was proven superior. I’m happy, nay, proud to wish everyone, yes, even our enemies, a very merry Christmas!”

Casualty and damage reports from the front lines have been sketchy and conflicting. Brutal insurgent gangs under the leadership of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) were rumored to have used incendiary devices on several Boston-area churches. The fate of Kerry is uncertain, as several prisoners of war claim he was fragged by members of his swift boat crew.

Damage to the enemy has been described as both shocking and awesome, with several blue state WalMart stores reduced to smoldering rubble. Christian soldiers Jenna and Barbara Bush reported that a Washington area nightclub that exhibited a “Happy Holidays” sign was burned to the ground shortly after closing time. “They, like, soooo deserved it,” reported an obviously drunk-with-the-spirit-of-Jesus Jenna. “I mean, ‘happy holidays?” That’s, like, so frigging gay! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

Meanwhile, in areas west of the excruciatingly liberal Eastern Time zone, the battle continues. In California the fighting is especially intense; outnumbered 9 to 1 by the secularist horde, all looked lost until Governor Schwarzenegger joined the fray. With his quiver full of media-friendly one-liners and surplus of armored Humvees, the tide was turned in such liberal bastions as Sacramento and Berkeley. “Jee-zus may have dayed on da cross, ja, but dees lib-a-rels will die where dey stahnd,” bellowed the Governator, as he nobly mowed down a platoon of freedom-hating hippies with a single burst from his NRA-protected .50 caliber machine gun.

With their defeat seemingly imminent, out-of-the-mainstream Democrats have already begun to focus their limited imaginations on the next unrealistic battle. “I have no doubt that in 2006 Bush and Cheney will be impeached, Alito’s nomination will be defeated, and Republicans will lose both the House and the Senate,” a deluded Howard Dean screamed into the disconnected microphone at the former, now flaming, home of Air America Radio. “I mean, it’s the holidays, right? It’s a time for miracles!”

2 Comments:

Blogger Blogenfreude said...

I have never been near a Wal-Mart, nor would I ever go near one. Not even to bomb it. Send your worst, NSA ... you'll never take me ALIVE!

December 25, 2005 5:52 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Your dedication to the cause is admirable, my friend. And yet, how can you refuse such great selection at such low, low prices? Simply put, why do you hate America so?

December 25, 2005 11:10 PM  

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