2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Part Three: SG Recaps the Summer of Freedom-Love

Editor’s Note: In this third installment of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at July, August and September, the summer when the tender buds of flirting with freedom blossomed into the fragrant flower of freedom-lust.

July 1: US Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announces her intended retirement. In her farewell address, she begs President Bush to replace her with a white, Christian male who believes life begins at conception.

July 4: America celebrates 229 years of sweet, juicy freedom, celebrates by destroying a comet. U-S-A! U-S-A!

July 5: The United Church of Christ announces support for same-sex marriages. The Justice Department files a friend-of-the-court motion on behalf of Jesus to have his name removed from the church’s title.

July 6: New York Times reporter/patriot Judith Miller is jailed by an activist partisan judge for her defense of First Amendment rights. Congress passes a bill proclaiming her birthday a national holiday.

July 7: Terrorists detonate four bombs in London, killing 50. The US, with Tony Blair’s knowledge and consent, justifiably responds by bombing al-Jazeera’s Qatar headquarters.

July 9: CIA director Porter Goss announces his agency has an “excellent idea” of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts. Freedom-loving Americans, ever-trusting of the CIA’s abilities, breathe a sigh of relief.

July 10: Hurricane Dennis makes landfall in the Florida panhandle. FEMA Michael Brown does a heck of a job in relief efforts.

July 12: London police arrest four British subjects for the July 7th bombings, proving once again that terrorists lurk among us.

July 12: White House press secretary Scott McClellan takes the high road and refuses to address the salacious rumors that Karl Rove leaked the identity of CIA coffee-maker Valerie Plame.

July 17: Time reporter Matthew Cooper slanderously reports that patriot Karl Rove leaked to him the identity of CIA housekeeper Valerie Plame. NSA intercepts of Cooper’s e-mail later reveal that Cooper hates America.

July 18: General William Westmoreland passes away. Senator Jon Kerry (D-MA) attends the hero’s funeral, and is photographed throwing Purple Hearts at the grave.

July 19: Honoring Sandra Day O’Connor’s wish, President Bush nominates John Roberts as her replacement on the US Supreme Court. Roberts becomes the first white male selected by Bush to sit on the nation’s highest court.

July 24: Lance Armstrong wins his seventh Tour de France, dedicates the victory to his close friend, President Bush.

July 26: The space shuttle Discovery lifts off, once again proving that America kicks ass.

July 27: Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari calls on US troops to be removed “soon.” Jaafari, under no pressure whatsoever from the US, later defines “soon” as “whenever our kind and benevolent guests and partners in the quest for sweet, succulent freedom see fit to sadly depart.”

July 29: Astronomers announce the discovery a large trans-Neptunian object larger than Pluto. The object, described as “brilliant and god-like,” is named “Planet Bush.”

August 2: President Bush endorses the morally-superior truth of intelligent design over the liberal secularist theory of evolution. In his daily conversation with the president, Jesus gives Bush his props.

August 3: Sprint acquires Nextel, NBC merges with DreamWorks, and Adidas synergizes with Reebok. In an unrelated story, the FBI announces they can watch you through your TV, but only with a court order.

August 6: Liberal tool Cindy Sheehan begins her unlawful stalking of President Bush during his rare and well-earned vacation in Crawford, Texas. Sheehan, whose son Casey willingly died bringing sweet, sugar-free freedom to democracy-starved Iraqis, was nevertheless graciously served iced tea daily by members of the Bush clan.

August 7: Former ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings dies. An autopsy determines the cause of death as “liberal mainstream mediaitis.”

August 8: Iran resumes its’ uranium-enrichment program. An Iranian spokesman asks the US, “So, what are you going to do about it?”

August 12: The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is launched from Cape Canaveral. The US, in a partnership with Sprint-Nextel, NBC-DreamWorks, and Adidas-Reebok, later claims Mars as a free-trade zone.

August 17: The governors of Arizona and New Mexico declare a state of emergency along their borders with Mexico. Cutting-and-running Congressional Democrats call for ceding both states to our southern neighbor.

August 22: Iraq’s parliament receives a draft of it’s constitution, which while not as kick-ass as the real Constitution, is the most freedom-loving document Iraqis have ever seen.

August 23: Christian soldier Pat Robertson rightfully calls for the assassination of America-hating Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Through a spokesman, Jesus gives his OK to the plan.

August 24: American traitor Pat Robertson apologizes for his patriotic call for Chavez’s death. God responds by smiting the 700 Club.

August 27: 1,000 prisoners are released from the Abu Ghraib prison; not one complains of abusive treatment, and in fact most ask to be re-detained.

August 29: Hurricane Katrina makes landfall near New Orleans. FEMA head Michael Brown does a heck of a job, but the Democratic mayor of the city and Democratic senator from Louisiana make a Democratic mess, Democratically leading to hundreds of death.

August 30: Oil reaches $70 per barrel, boosting the US sagging petroleum industry and its’ tax-burdened shareholders.

August 31: 965 Iraqi Muslims are crushed to death during a march to an Islamic shrine (or temple, or whatever those pagans call it.) In an unrelated story, no Christians are reported killed on their way to church.

September 1: The uber-liberal California Senate passes a bill that allows same-sex marriages. Very heterosexual governor Schwarzenegger convinces the in-the-mainstream House to reject the Jesus-hating proposition.

September 2: President Bush tours areas ravaged by the ably-managed Hurricane Katrina. Inspired Gulf Coast citizens urge their brave leader to stay the course in Iraq.

September 3: US Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist moves onto God’s highest court. On his deathbed, Rehnquist receives a solemn promise from President Bush that the jurist’s successor will be a white, Christian male who believes life begins at conception.

September 5: Keeping his promise to a dying man, Bush nominates John Roberts to be the next Chief Justice. In heaven, Rehnquist smiles and wipes away a happy tear.

September 6: First Mother Barbara Bush, visiting temporarily-displaced freedom-loving Americans enjoying Houston’s famous hospitality, honestly remarks that the clean, dry Astrodome is infinitely preferable to the flooded by quickly-rebuilding New Orleans. Grandmother-hating liberals attack her as, if you can believe this, insensitive.

September 8: Rescue officials in Louisiana mistakenly requisition 25,000 body bags. However, thanks to FEMA hero Michael Brown no one dies as a result of the heroically-managed natural disaster, and the superfluous bags are flown to Iraq to be used as windsocks.

September 11: On the anniversary of the most cowardly, barbaric attack on American soil, al Qaeda warns of future attacks on New York and Los Angeles. Still, many Democrats call for a policy of “cut and run” in Iraq. Unbelievable.

September 12: Los Angeles experiences a massive electrical blackout. Republican patriots correctly point out that the disaster could have been avoided by opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration.

September 13: Despite your humble journalist Rex Kramer’s presence at the Waldorf-Astoria (danger-seeking has its’ rewards,) he is unable to disrupt the Chinese delegation’s efforts to get a good night’s sleep prior to the 60th anniversary “celebration” of the UN’s founding. That night, Kramer kicked back with Bush and John Bolton at the piano bar and discussed much-needed reform of the corrupt world body.

September 14: Delta and Northwest Airlines file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Excessive union demands and John Kerry are accurately blamed for the industry’s woes.

September 17: Addressing the UN General Assembly, terrorist and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defies calls for his nation to halt its’ nuclear program, calls Tony Blair a “buck-toothed sheep-raper,” and inferred that he has had sexual relations with Barbara Bush.

September 19: Convicted liar Bill Clinton dares to criticize President Bush on issues such as Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and budget deficits. The intern dress-stainer also infers that he has had sexual relations with both of Bush’s daughters, and offers clearly-doctored panties as “proof.”

September 22: John Roberts is confirmed in a mandate as the next Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court. Jesus, as well as unborn children everywhere, rejoice.

September 24: Hurricane Rita makes landfall near the Texas-Louisiana border. Despite the retirement of beloved head Michael Brown, FEMA continues to kick ass.

September 25: Liberal blogs exaggerate the crowd at an America-hating anti-war dope-fest in Washington, DC to be 100,000. Official counts indicate only presidential stalker Cindy Sheehan is in attendance.

September 28: American hero Tom DeLay is indicted for one minor city ordinance violation by a clearly partisan and possibly gay prosecutor. In a show of almost super-human restraint, DeLay promises to not seek “too much “vengeance when he is vindicated.

September 29: American heroine and New York Times double-agent Judith Miller is released from jail following an impassioned plea by good friend and mentor I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Miller pledges eternal devotion and allegiance to Libby, and to the righteous path of Republican conservatism.

September 30: American traitor and closet-lesbian Judith Miller commits perjury when she “testifies” to a grand jury that her benefactor “Scooter” Libby provided her with the name of CIA janitor Valerie Plame. During her testimony, Miller blinks a message that CIA cryptologists later decipher as meaning, “I did what you ordered, Bill Clinton, now please, burn those pictures!”

Coming Soon: In the final installment of the series, Rex Kramer looks back on the final months of 2005, and reminisces warmly about the victory over Christmas-hating secularists.