Tuesday, December 27, 2005

2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Part Deux: SG Takes On Spring In Bushtopia

Editor’s Note: In this second of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at April, May and June, and can’t help but wonder why liberals hate America so much.




April 2: Pope John Paul II passes away. Secular forces take advantage by beginning their evil plans for the War on Christmas.

April 4: Paul Ray Smith is posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his defense of the Baghdad Airport. President Bush rightfully takes partial credit for Smith’s honor, as it would not have been possible without the president’s righteous war on terror.

April 5: ABC’s Peter Jennings announced he has lung cancer, possibly caused by being a liberal non-American.

April 9: Furiously patriotic Rex Kramer’s birthday. In lieu of gifts, please send donations to the Tom DeLay Defense Fund.

April 15: Tax return due date. Sadly, and despite the president’s best efforts, America’s highest achievers continue to pay a disproportionate amount of taxes to a Clintonesque oversized federal government.

April 19: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger elected pope, takes the name Benedict XVI. Immediately denounces both gay marriage and Ted Kennedy “immoral.”

April 22: Zacharias Moussaoui pleads guilty to terrorism charges. War on Terror completely justified.

April 26: Charles Duelfer, chief US weapons inspector and traitor beyond compare, states that the search for WMDs in Iraq has “gone as far as feasible.” Subsequent NSA intercepts of Duelfer’s e-mails reveal that he’s gay.

April 27: Bowing to ACLU pressure, the US House votes to rescind Republican ethics rules, opening the door for the blatantly-partisan persecution of patriot Tom DeLay.

April 27: Despite Gen. Richard Myers’ accurate proclamation that “we’re definitely winning” in Iraq, a small percentage of leftist “Americans” doubt the wisdom of liberating that country.



May 2: The US State Department issued a report indicating that terrorist attacks increased in 2004. Democrats respond with calls for cutting and running.

May 4: Firefighter Donald Herbert, blind and virtually silent due to a brain injury ten years earlier, recovers unexpectedly. US Supreme Court immediately regrets the Terri Schiavo decision.

May 5: School officials in Topeka begin to debate the weak evidence for so-called theory of evolution. Ultimately, Christian common sense prevails and Kansas becomes the 4th state to endorse the superior concept of intelligent design.

May 9: Iran admits to converting 37 tons of uranium to military use. US intelligence officials rightfully assume the uranium was imported from Niger.

May 11: The White House and Capitol building are evacuated when the credible threat of an incoming aircraft is reported. NSA wiretapping is later credited with foiling the terrorist plot.

May 15: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice visits Iraq, charms insurgents into submission.

May 18: Officials in Tbilisi, Georgia uncover a plot to assassinate President Bush during his visit. Senator John Kerry’s (D-MA) alibi falls apart during his interrogation.

May 20: Mr. and Mrs. Rex Kramer celebrate ten years of marriage between a man and woman, the only kind of union to which Jesus approves.

May 22: First Lady Laura Bush is rudely heckled by Palestinian thugs during a visit to the Wailing Wall. In an unrelated story, Israeli forces, acting entirely on their own, firebomb an Islamic orphanage in the West Bank.

May 24: Seven so-called Republican US Senators negotiate with their Democrat inferiors to avoid the “nuclear option” regarding the elimination of filibusters. Republicans, however, reserve the right to use conventional weapons in future deliberations.

May 31: Liberal rag Vanity Fair identifies traitor and former FBI agent W. Mark Felt as “Deep Throat,” the America-hating source for the Washington Post’s partisan attack on the Nixon presidency.

May 31: Vice President Cheney, in an uncanny assessment of the enemy’s imminent defeat, reports that the insurgency in Iraq is “in the last throes.” Victory parades are held throughout most of America.



June 2: Senator John Kerry calls for an investigation into the forged Downing Street Memo documents. As expected, no one listens.

June 5: A vaccine that prevents the ebola infection in monkeys fails in human trials, thus disproving once and for all evolutionary theory.

June 6: Liberal activist judges in Washington State appoint Democrat Christine Gregoire governor, despite the precedent set forth by the US Supreme Court in Bush v. Gore. That decision held that in the event of a close election, a tie “goes” to the Republican.

June 7: General Motors announces that due to insufficient tax cuts, 25,000 employees are to be downsized. The Pentagon, famous for its’ charity, offers the displaced workers immediate employment with free travel and clothing.

June 13: A California jury, influence by an activist judge, finds pedophile Michael Jackson not guilty on all counts in his child molestation trial. Bill and Hillary Clinton later host his Los Angeles “victory party,” attended en masse by the Hollywood liberal elite.

June 25: Suspected terrorist Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins the Iranian presidency. In his acceptance speech he calls America “a nation of pussies,” and states that George Bush is “too much of a mamma’s boy” to invade his nuclear-weapon possessing nation.

June 29: The US Capitol Building is evacuated when an aircraft enters restricted airspace. Democratic senators who have been briefed regarding NSA wiretaps credit the agency, and President Bush, for saving the day.

June 30: Caving into partisan hack Patrick Fitzgerald’s threat of eternal frivolous lawsuits, Time magazine releases the notes of reporter Matthew Cooper regarding his source’s lawful exposure of CIA “gofer” Valerie Plame.

Coming Soon: Part 3 of the series, where Spurious George looks at the "Summer of Freedom Loving"

7 Comments:

Blogger Ralph said...

Great blogging, well written. "I'll be baaaaack"

December 27, 2005 6:46 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Thanks, Ralph, and pop in anytime. By the way, I think you're the first "Ralph" I've met outside of the Danger-Seeking family. No shortage of Ralph Danger-Seekers, you see. I guess you could say we're Ralph-friendly.

December 27, 2005 7:43 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

May 20: Mr. and Mrs. Rex Kramer celebrate ten years of marriage between a man and woman, the only kind of union to which Jesus approves.

On our tenth, the little frogette and I got married again. Our feeling is that marriage is the like the army, you need to "re-up" every ten years. That said, it's a wonderful milestone for you and the misses.

Congratulations to you and Mrs. Danger Seeker

December 27, 2005 9:59 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Thank you, my friend. Mrs. Danger-Seeker initially signed up for a 10-year hitch (with promises of college tuition assistance and world travel,) but due to "stop-loss" measures necessitated by the war on terror, her enlistment has been extended. As a freedom-loving American, she's willing to make such sacrifices.

December 27, 2005 10:51 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

On May 31st Dick Head Cheney also said he expected the war would end during President Bush's second term. Does that include the impeachment?

The Blue Republic

December 28, 2005 1:03 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Cheney, as President of the Senate and in the interests of national security, will in fact vote to impeach himself on January 19, 2008. According to a little-known clause found on page 11,219 of the Patriot Act, this will extend the current administration's stay in office for the duration of the trial, and posibly beyond.

December 28, 2005 8:11 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Term marriages ... 10 years, then you renegotiate ... sounds like an MTA contract.

December 28, 2005 10:55 AM  

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