Friday, December 30, 2005


FEMA’s Name Besmirched by Secular Organization

(Sacramento) Recently, the International Red Cross and International Red Crescent announced the approval of a third banner, the Red Crystal. After the latest disgrace to befall the so-called relief organization, however, a fourth, more-appropriate symbol, the Red Dollar-Sign, may not be far behind.

In a news conference today, the US Attorneys’ Sacramento and New Orleans offices announced that 19 Red Cross workers assigned to alleviate the unforeseeable Hurricane Katrina disaster in fact stole $200 thousand dollars from a fund designated for relief efforts. Attorneys from both offices charge that the criminal loss of funds, and not any alleged FEMA incompetence, directly caused every death attributed to the much-exaggerated storm.

“Were it not for the greed of a few, so many would not have suffered,” correctly surmised Assistant US Attorney Stanley Boone. “And while we can not bring back those who perished due to the Red Cross’ criminal actions, we can finally clear the good name of the federal government.”

Boone was referring to FEMA, the heroic agency once headed by the very-able Michael Brown, which was unfairly blamed for the Red Cross’ shortcomings in the days following Katrina’s completely unexpected landfall near “America’s Sodom,” New Orleans. “While $200 thousand dollars may not seem like a lot of money to the average American taxpayer, it would have surely covered the costs of re-enforcing the levee system, constructed on the cheap by the Clinton administration, that was designed to keep black folks from drowning,” accurately reported FEMA (acting) director R. David Paulison. Paulison went on to decry the Red Cross for unfairly staining the name of his competent predecessor, and expressed his sincerest patriotic hope that Americans would finally stop questioning the judgment of their government.

President Bush interrupted his rare Crawford vacation to comment on the developing story of institutional Red Cross corruption. “Once again, my vision to ebnableate faith-based initiativeness has been redeemed. You see, Christians don’t steal. That is to say, it’s against Christianity. And I believe in that.” Bush advised reporters that he would not pass judgment on those accused in an ongoing investigation, but accurately concluded that those accused were “probably guilty.”


Blogger AJ said...

“Once again, my vision to ebnableate faith-based initiativeness has been redeemed...

ha ha! excellent Rex!

*(of course the nice men in black suits & ties will probably not think so when they come knocking...)*

December 30, 2005 10:06 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Those guys in the black suits are from the NSA, so there's nothing to fear. You see, they just want you to love America as much as they do.

However, from their wiretaps, they now know that you don't.

December 31, 2005 1:40 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said... would have surely covered the costs of re-enforcing the levee system,

...with popsicle sticks.

December 31, 2005 3:41 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Christians don't steal with guns ... usually a pen will do.

December 31, 2005 11:39 AM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Happy New Year.

December 31, 2005 1:46 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Guns don't kill people. Christians with guns kill people.

Great post, dude! Thanks for the laugh, and best to you and yours in the new one...

December 31, 2005 1:56 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Posting slow today. Head hurts. Celebrated New Year's early last night. Drank too much. Talking in fragments. Blinking, breathing painful. Can hear skull expanding.

Happy New Year.

December 31, 2005 3:36 PM  

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