Thursday, December 29, 2005


Part Four: SG Celebrates Victory in the War on Christmas

Editor’s Note: In this final installment of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at October, November, and December, when the weather outside was frightful, but freedom was so delightful.

October 1: A bomb explodes outside of the University of Oklahoma’s football stadium, killing one. The brutal killer later admits he was too chicken to try that shit in Texas.

October 2: Astronomers who recently discovered a 10th planet-sized body in our solar system (“Planet Bush”) announce they have discovered the planet has a moon. Pending certain approval, the satellite is named “Condoleezza.”

October 3: Humble servant of the people Tom DeLay is indicted by an activist grand jury regarding one allegedly unpaid parking ticket, issued while DeLay stopped his hybrid vehicle in order to safely escort a row of ducklings across a busy Waco street.

October 5: The US Senate cowardly votes 90-9 to ban the use of torture by brave military personnel, thus tying the hands of those on the front lines in the War on Terror©.

October 6: NYC police increase their presence in the city’s subway system following a dubious threat of a terrorist attack. Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) later confesses she phoned in the faux threat after getting high with Rep. John Murtha (D-PA.)

October 7: The UN Atomic Energy Agency is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for their so-called effective efforts to limit the spread of nuclear energy. Iran responds by announcing it is donating ten suitcase-nukes to al Qaeda.

October 9: Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY,) on bail from her bomb threat call, is inducted into the Women’s Hall of Fame. Clinton is later ejected from the hall when it is discovered she is in fact a gay black man.

October 17: In Iraq, 70 insurgents, despite being cleverly disguised as innocent bystanders, are killed by US forces. The victory is accurately described by Vice President Cheney as “that last of the last throes.”

October 18: A credible terrorist threat (not called in by Hilary Clinton) necessitates the closure of Baltimore’s harbor tunnels, proving yet again that killers lurk among us.

October 19: The trial of former brutal dictator Saddam Hussein begins. His inevitable conviction and execution validates the sound and brave decision to bring freedom to the Iraqi people.

October 24: Trouble-maker Rosa Parks finally gives up her seat on the bus. On her deathbed, Parks apologizes for all the fuss she caused.

October 25: America mourns the loss of the 2,000th soldier who willingly gave his life in defense of sweet, rejuvenating Iraqi freedom. Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld accurately points out that 128,000 very-much-alive servicemen and women remain in Iraq to carry on the work of their martyred comrades.

October 26: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls for the destruction of Israel. In the same speech, he compares Americans to “fat, lazy pedophiles who worship that loser, Jesus.”

October 27: Legal titan Harriet Miers withdraws her nomination to the US Supreme Court after being denied an “up or down” vote by women-hating Democrats. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) later drunkenly admits that he opposed her nomination because Miers refused to “show him hers if he showed her his.”

October 28: I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby retires as Vice President Cheney’s chief of staff. Libby is later awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his life-long dedication to ethical and partisan-free politics.

October 31: President Bush nominates Samuel Alito for a seat on the US Supreme Court, thus becoming only the second white Christian male so honored by the president. Alito vows that, if confirmed, he will fight tirelessly to end the persecution of Christians.

November 1: Pathetic Senate Democrats pull lame political stunt, waste the people’s time and money by forcing a closed session in which Republicans are forced to watch Michael Moore’s latest film, I Never Got Laid in High School, So Now I Bash America.

November 2: The Washington Post, convicted killer Stanley “Tookie” Williams’ favorite paper, irresponsibly alleges the existence of “black ops” CIA prisons in Eastern Europe. The patently false slander is exposed when competent UN inspectors discover documents proving a link between Saddam Hussein’s regime and Osama bin Laden.

November 5: Pope Benedict XVI bans homosexual men from entering the priesthood, but allows them to seek political office as members of the Democratic Party. John Kerry (D-MA) finally comes out of the closet.

November 8: In what experts describe as isolated incidents of mass psychosis, voters in Virginia and New Jersey mistakenly elect Democrats over clearly-superior Republican candidates. In a completely unrelated story, all federal funding previously allocated to those states is eliminated due to President Bush’s herculean efforts to reduce government spending.

November 10: The craven US House drops a provision from a bill that would allow oil drilling in the lifeless hell known as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Venezuela responds by jacking the price of crude to $8,645 a barrel.

November 13: Iraqi President Jalal Talabani opines that Iraqi forces could replace British soldiers by the end of 2006. Talabani goes on to correctly surmise that there’s no way the Iraqi Army could ever replace American troops.

November 15: America-hating University of Tennessee students take a respite from raping their siblings long enough to heckle Vice President Cheney during a keynote speech. Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) apologizes for the students’ behavior, and reminds everyone that he in fact attended Princeton and Harvard.

November 16: The US government wins its’ fight to retain supervisory authority over the internet. NSA officials laud the decision as an important step in the war on terror.

November 18: The House of Representatives reject by a vote of 403-3 a measure supported by peacenik John Murtha (D-PA) that would have US forces “cut and run” in Iraq. This vote ultimately ends all debate over President Bush’s visionary War on Terror®.

November 19: In a speech to US troops in South Korea just miles away from their Axis-of-Evil neighbor, President Bush heroically rejects calls for a timetable for withdrawal in Iraq. The inspired 2nd Infantry Division then spontaneously invades North Korea and finds cowardly dictator Kim Jong II in a spider hole.

November 20: President Bush visits China, and through the sheer brilliance of his being, converts the nation to Christianity.

November 22: An outlandishly-forged document leaked to London’s Daily Mirror alleges that Tony Blair dissuaded President Bush from bombing Al Jazeera’s freedom-hating headquarters. The slanderous accusation cannot be confirmed or denied by Al Jazeera officials, as their headquarters inexplicably exploded moments after the report.

November 30: The US military reports that it has been forced to pay Iraqi newspapers to print stories written by military journalists, but only because Iraqi journalists are too busy enjoying their new-found freedom to write their own America-loving reports.

December 3: Pakistan announces its’ forces have killed al Qaeda operational commander Abu Hamza Rabia. War on Terror© once again completely justified.

December 6: Saddam Hussein refuses to attend his trial for crimes against humanity. The ACLU files a suit claiming the former brutal dictator’s accommodations at the Baghdad Waldorf-Astoria lacks acceptable number of loofahs.

December 8: A six-year-old boy is killed when Southwest Airlines flight 1248 skids off a snowy runway at Chicago’s Midway Airport. Captain Ted Kennedy flees the scene, escapes prosecution thanks to family connections.

December 12: Crips founder and brutal killer Stanley “Tookie” Williams is patriotically denied clemency by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Executed the following day, Williams is laid to rest by his common-law wife and ardent supporter, Hillary Clinton (D-NY.)

December 13: President Bush announces that only 30,000 Iraqis were fortunate enough to willfully sacrifice their lives in defense of their shiny new freedom, but pledges that many more will have the opportunity to do so in the coming war with Iran.

December 14: As a strong believer in personal responsibility, President Bush admits that pre-war intelligence provided by Clinton-appointed CIA officials was faulty, but presents new evidence that proves Iraq possessed WMDs, Hussein’s government gave sanctuary to al Queada, and that freedom isn’t free.

December 15: Purple-stained fingers are all the rage throughout Iraq as freedom-starved citizens there vote in Parliamentary elections. Despite rampant Democrat-like efforts to commit voter fraud, the US-reformed UN declares the election “the third greatest event in the history of humanity” after Christ’s birth and President Bush’s election.

December 16: In an act of treason not seen since the Clinton administration, the New York Times irresponsibly reports that President Bush, in keeping his pledge to defend the American people from attack, ordered the NSA to spy on terrorists that lurk among us. The vast majority of Americans wonder what all the fuss is about.

December 18: In a historic and inspiring address from the Oval Office, President Bush states the obvious when he announces, “We are winning the war in Iraq.” Defeatists, unable to argue with Bush’s unassailable statement of fact, cut and run to Canada.

December 20: Transit workers in New York City begin an illegal strike, a move vocally supported by local terrorist cells. The strike ends days later, thankfully bringing an end to the communist union movement in this country.

December 21: The US Senate, possibly influenced by the powerful solar-power lobby, inexplicably blocks oil drilling in the inaccurately-named Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Untapped crude continues to bubble uncontrolled to the surface, and threatens to spill into baby seal drinking water.

December 25: The War on Christmas is defeated. Patriot and Christian solider Bill O’Reilly’s heroic actions in defense of Jesus is later commemorated on a US postage stamp.

This ends the patriotic four-part series that looked back on 2005 and determined that, despite what the Michael Moore-sect of the Democratic Party would have you believe, America is the greatest nation in the universe.


Blogger Cairo The Boxer said...

woof woof

December 30, 2005 2:44 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I like that 'Planet Bush' stuff. that's a great idea. Perhaps one of those newly-found moons around Uranus. Or Hisanus...

December 30, 2005 6:44 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Clearly, a man as magnificent as the president needs his own planet, someplace he can maybe relax after 8 years of keeping the world safe for freedom. Lots of room on Planet Bush, you see, and that damn bubble keeps getting smaller and smaller.

December 30, 2005 7:50 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Hey man. I'm discovering those perfume ads in the VF's. Christ, I'm getting nauseous...the dog won't let me pet her...these dogdarn VF magazines are dangerous, I tell you!

December 30, 2005 3:51 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Oh, those bastards at Vanity Fair are not only dangerous, they've subversive. I, of course, only read it to keep abreast of what the America-haters are up to. Oh, and for the ads featuring bulemic eastern European models scantily clad in fish parts (advertsing cologne, naturally.)

December 30, 2005 4:11 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Excellent end, O wise one.
I hear tell that the powers that be are so impressed with your logic and wit that Hannity and Coulter are having their New Years bash in your honor.

Happy New Year!

December 30, 2005 5:03 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Coulter (or as I like to call her, "Pookie Bear") throws the last parties. Last year things got way out of hand, however. Ann got so whacked on crank and fumes from a burning book that she called up W on his private line and told him to, get this, authorize wiretaps on American citizens! Sweet Jesus, that was good, conservative fun!

December 30, 2005 6:06 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

I really need to start proof-reading my posts. I meant, of course, that Ann throws the BEST parties, not the "last" ones. The last party, held shortly before the rapture, is already scheduled at Timothy LaHayes' place.

December 30, 2005 6:08 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

If Hillary Clinton actually looked as good as her picture...I would do, I mean vote for her.

January 01, 2006 12:56 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

C'mon, Dude. As every patriot knows, if you're a "dude" you have the wrong equipment for Hillary's taste.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

January 01, 2006 11:16 AM  

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